Hang Up the Phone

Sometimes when it comes to confiscating a cell phone as a consequence for poor behavior, it is needed. But not always. Cell phones are here to stay, and we need to think about other ways to shape adolescent behaviors. By doing so, hopefully you can step away from un-needed power struggles over cell phones.

A common complaint that I hear from teenagers is that when parents take away their phone, it often feels to the teen as if their lifeline to socialization has been taken. When the teen goes on to share the circumstances in which their phone was taken away, there is usually reason for a consequence; however, phone revocation rarely fits as an appropriate consequence.

The Goal of Consequences
When thinking about consequences, think about what your child responds well to. Remember the last time you took your child’s phone away as a consequence and mentally note what the chain of events was for yourself and the child. Oftentimes, if the outcome was negative, it’s because the consequence is not justified, being overused, and/or not consistently implemented.

It is important to shift the narrative and explore what we mean by consequences. The true definition of consequences is “a result or effect of an action or condition (Oxford Dictionary).” In my view, a consequence is akin to ripple effects that can keep behavior around or stop the behavior altogether.

When considering consequences for your child, ask yourself the question, What can I do to encourage or discourage the behavior at hand? For example, if your child did not study for their exam during your previously discussed evening routine, which will they respond to better: a listening ear as to what’s getting in the way, a problem-solving conversation, having their phone taken away, or being hovered over until they make up their grades?

Please keep in mind our responses should be guided by what behavior we as a parent want to see, not based on our frustration. As another example, if they did study for their exam during your previously discussed evening routine, will they respond best to: verbal praise immediately after, extra time on the phone, or simply being left alone? They might notice that when they perform tasks as agreed upon, they do not get bothered by you.

DBT and Consequences
Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) can be helpful for parents and their children in exploring behavioral change and consequences. DBT helps break down consequences by explaining negative, positive, and intermittent reinforcement. In DBT, many concepts are taught to help adolescents and adults understand the cause and effect of emotions, thoughts, urges, and behaviors as a way to locate helpful and unhelpful patterns individually and as a family.

You do not always have to think of a reinforcement. Sometimes it happens naturally. Examples of natural consequences for behavior fueled by unregulated thoughts and/or emotions can include damaged relationships, poor grades, lack of sleep, impulsive behavior, and more.

The Phone as a Consequence
To be clear, appropriate scenarios to using the phone as a consequence include inappropriate behavior as it directly relates to cell phone use. For example, cyber bullying, sexually acting out via cell phone, not returning the cell phone, and not following parental limits on cell phone use would call for a consequence with cell phone usage. At the same time, using this intervention requires justification, time-limited parameters, and consistency of implementation.

7 Tips for Effective Consequences

1. Have clear rules and enforce them consistently—and be willing to negotiate on some issues. Also don’t overuse consequences.
2. Clearly outline timelines. Examples:

• You will not have your phone for the next 24 hours.
• You get an extra 30 minutes of screen time.
• You cannot go out with your friends until next Saturday.

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3. Do your best to have the consequence fit the circumstance. Examples:

• Not turning in their phone on time—having that equal amount of time taken from their tech window the next day.
• Going out without permission—recommunicating appropriate communication within the family and not permitting social outing for 24 hours.
• Incomplete school assignments—daily structure for task completion adding in studying time and setting boundaries around socialization time (in person, extracurricular, or electronically).

4. Diversify the types of reinforcement you use. Examples:

• Quality time together.
• Social freedoms (going to the mall or movies independently).
• The family unit putting all cell phones away at mealtime.
• Sticker chart.
• Saying “no” to social events or extracurricular activities.
• Lecture/don’t lecture.

5. Reinforce positive behaviors, paying them more attention. When negative behaviors occur, acknowledge the behavior, clearly explain the consequence, and follow through with the consequence.

6. If a new problem behavior arises, use another consequence to avoid overuse.

7. Use punishment sparingly, as it is least effective in teaching new or wanted behaviors (as referenced in DBT).

About the Author—Aloura Alcantar, LCSW, is a staff clinician on Menninger’s Adolescent Treatment Program. She has experience working with adolescents as well as their parents, providing individual, family, and group therapy. Alcantar also has received foundational training in Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) and has a special interest in using emotion-focused and attachment-based interventions while providing family therapy.