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Imagine that you have come to the realization that you no longer wish to continue a relationship. Now comes the often-dreaded part; having to inform the other person. Nobody enjoys this part or looks forward to this type of conversation, yet an alarmingly large number of people are now choosing to cut off communication abruptly and ghost their partner instead of having a conversation explaining their decision to the person they’re dating.
Despite the fact that it has become easier than ever to respond to someone via social media or text, ghosting has been on the rise. Ghosting has become so common that dating apps have started to implement anti-ghosting features to combat the issue. A survey of 4,860 adults in the U.S. conducted by Pew Research Center indicated that approximately 29% of respondents had experienced ghosting and young adults (ages 18-29) experienced the most ghosting of all age groups at 42%.
Ghosting can have detrimental effects on one’s self-esteem, as it’s not unusual for the recipient of ghosting to blame themselves. The person who is ghosted often has a lot of questions with no answers in sight and becomes a romantic detective of sorts, trying to piece together their last moments with their significant other and endlessly searching for clues or reasons why they seemingly just disappeared out of their lives overnight.
If you’re wondering what may possess someone to engage in a behavior that can have such a negative impact on others, consider some of the most common reasons why someone may ghost others in a romantic context:
1. They’re not ready for accountability. Somebody who regularly ghosts their dating partners may be a person who has difficulty taking accountability for their actions. If they did something that hurt their partner or that they know their partner will disapprove of, or if they feel they cannot meet their partner’s needs and they are not ready to take accountability, they may decide to ghost instead of dealing with the situation directly.
2. They have poor conflict resolution skills. People who ghost others may have a negative association with conflict and incorrectly assume the interaction will go poorly because they lack emotional regulation and conflict resolution skills. As a result, ghosters have a tendency to avoid processing what they are experiencing or communicating their feelings. Instead, they are more likely to start internally detaching from their partner and avoid the situation altogether.
3. They are leading a double life or hiding something. If a ghoster is leading a double life or has multiple relationships unbeknownst to their partner, they may decide to ghost and pull the trigger if the pressure is mounting before they get caught and they have to explain their actions or deal with the consequences.
4. They are avoiding getting closer to their partner. If someone is afraid of intimacy and they find themselves growing closer to someone they care about, they may feel scared and self-sabotage by pushing the other person away instead of opening up about their fears. One of the ways in which they may push the other person away is by ghosting. Those who lean towards avoidant attachment are more likely to engage in ghosting due to their discomfort with processing their emotions and expressing their feelings directly.
5. They are trying to protect their safety. If one partner is physically or emotionally abusive and typically exhibits volatile reactions, their partner may choose to ghost in order to protect themselves and avoid a hostile situation.
6. They don’t want to hurt the other person’s feelings. The ghoster may rationalize in their mind that by having a discussion, it will only be more hurtful for the other person and won’t change the outcome, so it’s best to cut off communication without notice. Many people who ghost may have difficulty holding space for their loved one’s emotions, particularly if the other person is upset with them.
If someone is ghosting in an attempt to protect their safety, their actions are understandable and make sense given the context of the situation. Aside from safety concerns, all of the other reasons noted above provide useful information regarding the other person’s current capacity to be in an honest and close romantic relationship. If you’ve experienced ghosting, you may have found yourself getting caught up in the reasons why someone chose to ghost you, but it is important to remember that regardless of the reasons they chose to ghost, their actions are showing you they are not capable of being in the type of relationship that requires direct and honest communication.
Disclaimer: This post is for informational purposes only. This is not intended to be a substitute for professional or psychological advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your mental health professional or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding your condition or well-being.
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References
Pew Research Center, August 2020, “Nearly Half of U.S. Adults Say Dating Has Gotten Harder for Most People in the Last 10 Years”
