Interpersonal Insecurities: 3 Metaphors for Mediation

Relationships are complex and can be confusing, especially if we are feeling insecure and apprehensive about how best to approach someone with whom we are having some interpersonal struggle. The types of issues that come up are, of course, as varied as individuals in our world, but a few metaphors can be a helpful way to approach some such situations. When we reframe our position and aim to be more mindful in how we choose to approach the conflict, we can often mediate through difficulties more effectively.

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Metaphor 1: Don’t Eat the Moldy Sandwich

Communication with others can be confusing and overwhelming, especially in moments of conflict or disagreement. When we are given information, feedback, or a command by another individual, it can be difficult to know what to accept, incorporate, or believe. If the person is a trusted family, friend, or co-worker, we might be more prone to trust the information; however, there are times when even those we trust or others not in our inner circle communicate something perplexing to us. We might be told we've made a terrible decision with that last relationship, that we should have tried harder with a task recently completed, or that we needed to focus on a different sort of personal goal. All of this is particularly more difficult if the receiver/listener is someone who is prone to self-doubt and insecurity.

In cases where information being shared really doesn't fit with our understanding of the situation, we might consider this similar to being given a brown bag lunch wherein the giver suggests it to be a gourmet lunch. When we peek inside, we see that the sandwich is old, rotting, and quite disgusting. This is not a gourmet lunch, no matter what the giver may have said or how forceful they were in trying to convince you of their way of thinking. It is possible that the apple or the cookies in the lunch bag are still good and edible, just as information provided by someone else might indeed have some pieces of truth or value, but all information is not necessarily accurate or worthy of absorption. Individuals often do well to slowly, calmly, and thoughtfully examine information (or brown bag lunches) given to them to mindfully decide what sort of feedback deserves further consideration or which is simply rubbish.

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Metaphor 2: Be a Lake Instead of a Puddle

Some people or situations may lead us to feel like a puddle. We may feel small, unimportant, insignificant, or fragile. Just as when a rock or a branch falls or is thrown into a puddle, the entire puddle is affected and even the shape can be changed. But if a rock or a branch falls into a lake, there may be some ripple effects created, but the general content and shape of the lake is not changed.

Figuring out ways to be more solid and take up space is important. We deserve to feel grounded, have a voice, and speak up about issues of concern. This does not mean we are always right or infallible, but individuals who are feeling consistently insecure, either with certain people or situations, may need to step back to develop their convictions and examine ways to build stamina in the face of interpersonal adversity. As individuals build their skills and trust in themselves, their footprint often enlarges. This allows a person to be more solid in their beliefs and clear in their needs. When disagreements occur, there may be periodic impact to the lake from various internal or external sources, but a dependably firm stance assists in continued forward progress from a place of strength. This journey toward becoming a beautiful lake can be tough—and so are humans.

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Metaphor 3: Remember Concentric Circles of a Target

As social beings, we humans often have to navigate among a sea of acquaintances, colleagues, bosses, classmates, friends, neighbors, relatives, and maybe even some enemies. It can get confusing to know how much time, effort, and energy to give to individuals in our world, but the process of grouping our relationships into loosely organized concentric circles can sometimes help us determine priorities more effectively. Positioning also can change over time, such as an acquaintance moving closer to the inner circle as deeper connection is made or a friend moving to more of an outer circle when there have been frequent ruptures, ghosting, or strife.

Individuals who struggle with knowing how to determine the next best step in a disagreement, how to prioritize needs, or how often to let negative interactions with a friend go might be assisted by categorizing the social world to create a better understanding about ourselves and our relationships. For people in the inner circle, we are more likely to drop anything to help them or to enjoy multiple social gatherings more regularly; however, for those in further-out circles, we might find ourselves needing to pace ourselves and consider the next best step with requests or invitations. When conflicts or insecurities arise, those in our inner circles are likely to know us better and would ideally be those to whom we place greater trust; this translates to conflicts or miscommunications with inner-circle people likely being given higher priority and belief than those in outer circles.

Reflection questions:

• Is there an interpersonal insecurity situation that comes up repeatedly for you with a certain person or in certain types of situations regularly?
• Are you aware of times when you might be munching on a “moldy sandwich” even though the content of feedback from another might be completely misunderstood or not applicable to your situation?
• Do you have a sense of who are the more trusted confidantes in your inner circle and what might distinguish them from others who are less attuned to you?