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Key points
- Avoidance is a fairly common but often ineffective coping tool.
- Approaching rather than avoiding begins the process of resolution.
- Metaphors can provide a tool to shift one's perspective.
Facing hard things is, well, hard. Sometimes we are forced to simply shift, such as with a loss or a pandemic; however, much of the time, we may be aware of the difficulties lurking underneath that might need attention but feel too overwhelming to contemplate. And humans are masters of avoidance and denial. The difficulty might be a behavior pattern or habit we know is no longer serving us well, a relationship that is unsatisfying or unsafe, even a memory or conflict that burdens but has been ignored for far too long.
The decision to make a change or a pivot in one’s life is a complicated process. Even if the change is more internal rather than an externally visible change, it can still be challenging. There are various metaphors one might use to consider the avoidance of change, and the three highlighted here involve mice, weeds, and wires. By contemplating your possible way out of your hesitation, you can then plan your way forward.
Metaphor 1: Releasing mice under the rug
Some individuals seem to attempt to fool themselves into thinking that there really is not a problem and everything is just fine. They are often not deceiving others around them but are scared, worried, or unsure of how to make changes in their life. I sometimes reference this as being like someone working actively to hold active mice under a rug by continuously holding down the edges of the moving rug. We all see the bumps and the movements under the rug, but the individual is nervous to let go. When called out by others who see creatures lurking underneath, the person may just smile, argue or deny that there is anything going on. Pulling back the rug and letting the mice out so that they can be dealt with openly and effectively is what is needed, despite the fact this can be intimidating or even terrifying. Once the mice are released, there may be other complications of how to cope with getting them out of the house; however, they cannot be faced if they are not first recognized.
Metaphor 2: Pulling the root of the weeds
Some individuals find themselves facing the same problems again and again but struggle to get to the root of the problem. The parent whose child misbehaves repeatedly when out in public, the teen who gets panicky in social situations, or the worker who keeps getting fired from jobs. Avoiding or leaving the situation may seem like it has fixed the problem, but this really hasn’t gotten to the root of the problem. Rather than repeatedly weed whacking, getting down on the ground and actually pulling the root of the weed is often much more effective in the long run. Some weed roots are deep and ingrained, others are shallower and simpler. The process of facing our fears, worries or issues is the process of getting to the roots so new beginnings can bloom. Quick fixes might provide relief in the short term but often not in the long term. The work might feel messy to start, but the overall benefits allow flourishing.
Metaphor 3: Untangling wires
Making changes in one’s life is hard and complicated. It can sometimes look like a balled-up mess of wires of all types that are difficult to untangle. But pulling hard at only one wire actually tightens the knot rather than loosens it. In order to untangle the wires, we often have to take a closer, calmer look at the different parts and slowly pull apart each of the wires one at a time. We don’t need (and often can’t) expect the wires to loosen or untangle themselves. They are there and part of the tangle; however, once they have been freed from the cluster, they can then sometimes be separated, organized, put aside, and used as needed. Individuals with difficult childhoods, traumas, long-standing behavioral habits or mental health challenges often have very tangled wires. Other well-meaning family, friends or even the individual themselves may see a loose wire and think that simply pulling this one wire will be the solution to all problems. Sadly, the difficulty often worsens when we approach it with anger, contempt, or impulsivity. Instead, we need to slowly and carefully sort through the mess with more direct compassion in order to make better sense of the mess.
Considering figurative methods of facing difficulties doesn’t necessarily lessen the impact of actually addressing the issues but can assist in expanding our perspective, increasing our optimism, and inspiring the decision to finally face changes.
Self-reflection questions
- Is there something you have been sweeping under the rug for much too long that might deserve some more direct acknowledgment?
- Are there problems in your life that have been dealt with in a more quick-fix type of approach that really need longer-term solutions?
- Do you have a mixed-up mess in an area of your life that warrants more mindful consideration?
