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Key points
- When a person takes time to think about qualities they want in a partner, they can date with more intention.
- Having a “list” of qualities one wants in a partner and relationship can help hold one accountable.
- People should consider how they want to feel and what they want their day-to-day to look like with a partner.
If you’re single or have been single, I’m sure that at some point in your life, you have been advised to “write a list” of the qualities you want in a future partner. I’m also confident that if you have written a list, you have either A) misplaced said list or B) rarely referenced this list. But having a list to refer to as you date can be incredibly valuable, and in my practice, I always advise my clients to write their own lists, and here is why.
In today’s dating world, it can be difficult to date slowly and with discernment. I’ve seen it happen time and time again in my work in which a client gets so swept up in all the excitement of a new person or “situationship” that they lose sight of the things they really want in a relationship or know are good for them. It’s easy to become blinded when there is intense chemistry or a new person seemingly “checks all the boxes.”
When you take the time to really think about the qualities or traits you’re looking for in a prospective partner or relationship, it helps you to date with more intention. Having a list helps you to be more thoughtful and strategic throughout your process and also holds you accountable when you begin to stray from the list (which, of course, many people do). So, think of your list as a guiding force, a best friend who is there to encourage you and remind you of what you want and deserve.
If not a physical list, you probably already have a mental list going. But I encourage you to take your time and think a little more deeply—to go beyond the basics. Consider what you would like your future relationship to look and feel like. What do you want your day-to-day life to be like with your future partner? To help you out, here are four things to consider including on your list:
1. How you want to feel
Consider how you would like to feel in a relationship. While no relationship is perfect, and they do require some work, you should generally feel good in your relationship. In a healthy relationship, you should feel like you can be yourself and express your feelings and needs. You should feel seen and heard. You should feel confident that you can work through conflict and have difficult conversations. You should also feel secure.
Taking this into consideration, how do you want to feel? Write this down.
2. Flexibility
In a healthy, mutually respectful relationship dynamic, flexibility is key. When there are two people in a relationship coming from different backgrounds and walks of life, it’s likely that there will be differences in preferences, ways of doing things, and perspectives. That being said, there will be times that require compromise and some level of flexibility.
Think about some of the healthy relationships you have observed or couples you admire. Is there an element of flexibility and open-mindedness? This might be something to include on your list.
3. Shared core values
Knowing your core values (the things that are most important to you) and honoring them is important. Our core values help us to live authentically and make decisions that reflect who we are and what we believe in. And when our partner’s core values are at odds with our own, there is a greater likelihood of conflict due to a clash in worldviews and morals.
For example, if “family” is a core value of yours and your partner does not share this core value, this could manifest in different expectations for the holidays or how much time you want to spend with family and invest in these relationships in general. Another example of a core value is financial stability. If financial stability and being financially savvy are important to you, it may be difficult to be on the same page about money and finances with a partner who does not share these core values. Shared core values are helpful in sustaining a long-term and meaningful relationship.
4. Personal accountability of one’s mental health.
Whether it’s struggling with anxiety or a mood disorder, recovering from a traumatic event, experiencing grief or loss, or dealing with addiction—mental health challenges are not uncommon. And while it is important for us to have compassion and empathy for our partners who struggle with their mental health, it is also important for us to recognize that it is their responsibility to address their mental health needs and any problematic behaviors that are related to these challenges. We can be understanding and provide support and also hold our partner accountable to assess and manage their symptoms and seek professional help. This expectation helps to avoid a codependent relationship and reinforces both you and your partner’s autonomy.
