Sometimes We Disappoint Others. Here's Why That's OK.

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Do you spend a lot of time living in fear of disappointing others? Maybe you worry about not meeting your parents' or family's expectations.

Perhaps you have difficulty setting boundaries because of the potential pushback or possibility of upsetting others. Or maybe you say "yes" to everything (plans, favors, etc.) to avoid possible judgment or scrutiny.

Here is the hard truth: You can't make everyone happy. It's just not humanly possible.

At some point in all our lives, we will most likely (if we haven't already) unintentionally disappoint someone we care about or hurt their feelings.

And this doesn't make us "bad" or uncaring. This is because we cannot give and show up for everyone in the way that they might need or want at all times. We are human and have limits—limited energy, resources, time, and emotion.

While most of us, deep down, know this truth, so much of what we do is motivated or informed by our desire to please and appease others, as well as to avoid conflict. Additionally, when we have experienced relational trauma, there is sometimes an even stronger desire to be liked, valued, and validated by others.

So, how do we come to accept this truth? How do we have more realistic expectations for ourselves in our interpersonal relationships and interactions? How do we live more authentically and with less fear of the potential disappointment of others?

4 Ideas to Help You

1. Practice more self-compassion. Remind yourself of your humanness. You will make mistakes and decisions that not everyone will love or understand. Try to give yourself more grace when there is conflict or misunderstanding. We are all doing our best with what we have and know.
2. Don't take everything personally. When people react negatively or respond to something you do or say, it's not always about you. Like you, everyone in your orbit (your friends, family, neighbors, etc.) has their baggage. Past experiences influence how they perceive and respond to specific events or situations. You can have the very best intentions, and someone might still be triggered or react irrationally because of their own past and unique understanding of the world. For example, if a close friend believes that "people always disappoint me," they will likely experience most situations from this lens.
3. Relinquish control. Remember that you can't control other people's perceptions and how they feel. While we can take accountability if we make a mistake or mess up and practice humility, we can't control the receptivity of others. All we can do is our best—the one thing we can control.
4. Be intentional and honor your core values. Focus on living your life in a way that reflects your values and morals. Suppose you are navigating day-to-day experiences in a way that is authentic and reflective of your value system. In that case, you will notice yourself feeling more confident and secure in your decisions and less distressed when other people express dissent or feelings of disappointment.

The reality is living your life with unrealistic expectations of being able to avoid disappointing others is not sustainable. The chances of you disappointing others are high.

Whether it's you getting sick and taking time off work, missing a friend's milestone event or celebration, or deciding to move across the country, people will have their feelings and reactions (reasonable or not), which is their right. Therefore, we need to live our lives in a meaningful way that reflects our values and inherent self-worth.

Our quality of life and mental health depends on this.

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