10 Things an Abusive Partner May Coerce You Into Believing

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While emotional abuse can be obvious and overt, it can also be more covert—meaning it's much more likely to go undetected, at least for a while. In a subtly abusive relationship, the abusive partner will sometimes use tactics like coercion to assert power and control. Think of coercion as a form of manipulation that is used to control and influence how you, as the abused partner, perceive and make sense of events, behaviors, and circumstances that you wouldn’t generally agree to or be OK with.

Coercion in Action

Through the use of guilt and shame, evoking feelings of hope, or appealing to your empathy, coercion can wear you down and make you doubt yourself and your intuition or gut feeling.

Coercion through guilt and shame: When your partner uses shame and guilt to get you to accept their problematic or abusive behavior or acquiesce to something you don’t feel comfortable with.

Examples:

• Your partner blames you for them cheating because their needs weren’t being met in the relationship.
• Your partner faults you for their anger outburst because you did something to upset them.

Coercion through hope: When your partner tries to evoke hope by making false or empty promises to keep you in the abusive relationship.

Examples:

• Your partner tells you that they will change or that things will be “different” but do not make any real, lasting changes.
• Your partner convinces you that they will "go to therapy” to improve themselves and their mental health but only go to therapy once or twice or find reasons to delay starting and continue to put it off.

Coercion through empathy: When your partner appeals to your empathy to avoid accountability and excuse their unhealthy or toxic patterns of behavior.

Example:

• Your partner attributes their volatility and verbal aggression to their past trauma and being “hurt."
• Your partner uses their mental health challenges (such as depression or anxiety) to explain away some of their abusive tendencies.

Distorted Reality

Coercion can keep you stuck in an abusive dynamic because it ultimately distorts your reality. It’s used to undermine you, your perception, and how you think—thus, influencing your beliefs and how you respond to the abuse. As a result, coercion can lead you to assume responsibility for the abuse you have been subjected to, forgive or excuse abusive behaviors, or make you more tolerant and accepting of the abuse.

Below are 10 things your emotionally abusive partner may coerce you into believing:

1. “Relationships are supposed to be hard. This is just the hard part and 'the work' that people talk about. It’s not abuse."
2. ”It’s not my partner's fault; they just have a lot of trauma."
3. “Nobody is perfect—I know I’m not. Who am I to judge my partner or expect them to change?"
4. “It’s my fault, I shouldn’t have upset them. I know better"
5. “They’re just insecure. Jealousy isn’t a big deal."
6. “My partner didn’t mean to hurt me, they were just triggered."
7. “It’s going to get better. They said they would change, so I just need to give them some time."
8. “They’re just passionate and love me so much."
9. “There’s enough ‘good’ to outweigh all the ‘bad.’"
10. “I’m being too sensitive. They didn’t mean to hurt my feelings."

Counter Coercion

While coercion can be sneaky and difficult to detect, you have what it takes to counter it—your intuition or gut feeling. Take a moment to turn inward and focus on how you are feeling and what your body is communicating to you. Here are three self-reflection questions to help you tune in and access the inner knowing.

1. How do I feel about my partner and this relationship? Do I feel safe, seen, and secure?
2. Am I honoring my core values in this relationship or am I compromising them? Am I living authentically and in a way that reflects my beliefs and what matters to me?
3. Am I having to change myself, shrink myself down, or hide parts of myself to be in this relationship?

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You know yourself more than anyone, trust yourself and how you are feeling. You know what feels good and right for you.

If you or someone you love is in an abusive relationship, get help 24/7 by calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline at (800) 799-7233. Find mental health support near you by visiting the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.