How to Manage Your Comparison-Prone Mind

As I sat in the front seat of mom’s car, I looked out the window at my fellow 9 year-old Little Leaguers. “All of them are way better than me,” I thought to myself. “I suck at baseball and I’m going to drop it again and look like a loser.”

I then pitched a holy hell crying fit there in the front seat until my perplexed and frustrated mom, much to my relief, took me home.

It didn’t end there. My runaway mental train habit of negative comparison continued for many years. Imagine my simultaneous regret and relief when I learn in college social psych class that “my” issue of over-comparing to others (and coming up feeling less-than) turns out to be a near-universal phenomenon.

The Origins of Social Comparison

The word “compare”derives from the Latin roots “com” and “par” meaning “with” and “equal.” We compare to see if things are roughly equal or diverge in some way from the group.

As psychologist and author, Dr. Ron Siegel, discusses in his book, The Extraordinary Gift of Being Ordinary, scientists suggest that social comparison is a universal aspect of our neurobiology – that it evolved to help our forebears survive by having us sort ourselves (via comparison) into dominance hierarchies.

We compare ourselves with one another because it serves a purpose much older than the medieval roots of the word itself; we’ve done so since time primeval to see how we’re faring relative to others in our group. Our ancestors compared themselves with each other in order to figure out who did and got what (in terms of mates and resources). To diverge too far from the group was to risk expulsion in our ancient past. Without the group (structured by social comparison), survival was impossible.

Research on Social Comparison

President Theodore Roosevelt is credited with having said that “comparison is the thief of joy.” And the research literature suggests that in our modern, less survival-focused world, our ancient comparison wiring may be tripping us up. While comparison can be beneficial in some situations (such as depressed individuals experiencing an up-tick in mood when exposed to recovering depressed patients), it can also lead to increased suffering and poor performance around issues such as body image, anxiety-related avoidance (think my Little League history), and our willingness to risk new endeavors.

Findings suggest that with the advent of social media, our comparison neurology gets hijacked and can exacerbate anxiety and depressive symptoms for people. When comparing to others leads to a further solidifying of negative thought-stories we have about ourselves, others, and the world around us, this survival-spawned pattern of “looking outward” leads us away from the potential for connecting and creating that we carry within.

When we gather up social information, the way we use it to relate to ourselves seems to be the key.

The Thief of Your Joy at Home and at Work

How many times have you thought:

* They make more than me
* Their ideas are better
* They look better
* They have what I want

Here’s the thing: Even President Roosevelt had a “comparing brain.” In an address at the University of Cambridge in 1910 Roosevelt said:

“I don’t think any President ever enjoyed himself more than I did. Moreover, I don’t think any ex-President ever enjoyed himself more.”

We all compare! Even if we are known for denouncing it! Roosevelt, famous for his willingness to take bold action (perhaps too bold if you asked his family at the time when he decided to trek off into the unexplored Amazon River in the years following his presidency), may have used comparison to others to bolster his intentions, ideas, and willingness to act.

Me, I got stuck in a pattern of unexamined, unchallenged thought-looping about myself as less than via comparing. Now, I (imperfectly) attempt a more flexible, and at times daring, approach of noticing these thoughts of what others are doing as cues to connect with what matters within me. How might I use this moment to fuel myself creatively? How might I give something? How might I reach out to someone who needs connecting? There’s something “Rough Rider”-esque about this. Something that uses comparison instead of feeling used by it.

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Don’t Should on Yourself About Comparing to Others

Instead of responding to the “thief of joy” quote by beating yourself up for comparing all the time, how about this:

• Accept the fact that you have a brain, and that having a brain means you will compare to orient yourself in this life “thing” we’re all doing

• Instead of adding another "should" to your self-improvement list, let go of trying to quit comparing cold turkey. Notice any comparing and smile at yourself thinking, “Well of course I am comparing, I have a comparing brain!”

• Compare away, but only if you really want to, so long as you’re fully aware while you’re doing so!
• Right now, what happens if you mindfully notice any comparing you’ve done recently (or 10 seconds ago) and cut yourself the slack of acknowledging your brain is doing its job of trying to protect you? Instead of trying to cold-turkey-quit from any comparing, what if you rewired and put comparing to work in service of your highest, most valuable, and meaningful intentions?

How might your comparing be a cue to, as Dr. Siegel suggests in his book, turn toward other brain circuits we humans evolved for cooperation, creativity, and giving. How might this comparison moment cue you toward creating, connecting, and building with and for the greater good?

The present moment, however, is where the magic happens. It is a space filled with opportunities and nuances waiting to be owned — noticed and leveraged in the moment you’re in. The challenge lies in breaking free from the broken record replay of inner comparison stories and redirecting our attention towards the vibrant potential of the now.

You can either sit around for millennia waiting for evolutionary pressures to possibly forge such a non-comparing neural situation, or you can take your neurology by the hand and go, comparably, higher.