When Rudeness Meets You

People were less civil during the pandemic, according to reported accounts of road rage, violence, and rude interpersonal transgressions (Li et al., 2021). However, we may not have returned to normal after the pandemic subsided. The surge in such behaviors during that period may have left some prolongated effects that continue to this day.

Incivility rising

Source: "Joaquin Corbalan/Adobe Photo Stock", "A man filled with anger/Licensed for use".

A 2019 survey conducted by the firms Weber Shandwick and Powell Tate revealed that people encounter some aspect of incivility, such as rudeness, at least 10.2 times a week. Christine Porath, a professor of management at Georgetown University who has studied the incivility phenomenon, found that such acts continue to be on the rise (Porath, 2022).

A slice of incivility in the form of “rudeness”

Defining “rudeness” is challenging because of a lack of detailed lexical-semantic analysis that could help establish a better understanding of the term. However, research by Waters (2012) does provide us with a tentative working definition that should suffice in the following statement,

Rudeness is a kind of prototypically non-cooperative or competitive communicative behavior which destabilizes personal relationships.

The internal pathos of those engaging in rude behaviors is typically guided by a motivated form of emotional reasoning. If we take a moment to qualify such a person's internal state, more often than not, the x-factor in those who act out rudely may emanate from deeper perceived injustices the person is experiencing (or has experienced) well before they crossed your path. They may seek personal validation of their own inherent “rightness” in this circumstance. To this end, these “flash-point” behaviors of rudeness serve as maladaptive attempts to right some misperceived wrong.

How we determine and shape reality

Naturally, our brains respond to perceived rudeness or insults defensively and instinctually. It makes sense because what I hear most often from people who have been met by rudeness are words like “attacked” and “unprovoked.” But there is more going on in the experience that is often missed because our brains tend to code information that stands out dramatically against the context of things. In other words, rude behaviors, as we are confronted by them, call for our attention with a limited set of information. Thus, we respond either internally or externally to what is in front of us with only what has unexpectedly presented itself.

The automaticity in our neurobehavioral responses is based on what we see and experience, trying to quickly decode and encode the experience while assessing the threat. The bigger factors of uncertainty and discrepancy in such instances put many at odds with what to do or how to react (Lilly, 2017). So, let's look at a few ways we can productively meet a rude antagonist.

Pragmatic thinking

Source: "annamaria/Adobe Photo Stock", "Human brain lifting/Licensed for use".

Bring “pragmatic competence" to the front

You can think of rudeness as a "semantic meta-language" all its own, with degrees of meaning, conveyance, and variabilities contained within. Although we may not always understand the “why” behind such acts, we can develop our own pragmatic competence when it comes to meeting rude actions, meaning we can quickly apply practical processes that serve to buffer, deflect, and counter rudeness in healthier ways. Here’s how:

Step 1: Stop and think before reacting (this may be hard to learn, but is a key rule for staying rational). The limbic area of the brain is the launchpad for much of the "feeling state" energy we might experience when rude behavior crosses our paths. We must remain in control, staying front-brain, where logic allows us to assess, stay focused, and manage the situation. As noted by sociologist W. I. Thomas, in his concept of Thomas Theorem, he concludes that reality in its initial stages is malleable but always hard-set in its consequences. This means that we can shape the outcomes. Stop and think before acting on impulse because you may regret the immediate, impulsive reactions you can’t change.

Step 2: Use cognitive appraisal to help evaluate encounters. (Folkman et al., 1986). Your brain wants to quickly appraise things. Typically thrown off guard by the rude antagonist, internal questions occur in a rapid, three-point process of what -> why -> how. The first question your brain will seek to address is what is happening, rapidly shifting to why, which is looking for the other’s motivation, then quickly assessing the level of threat by the rude behavior and how to address it. Our first step of stopping to think (Thomas Theorem) allows us to weigh the imposition, or the costs, of reacting (appraisal) and engage in more pragmatic options like the following:

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• The choice of “no response.” When we are confronted with rude behavior, the offender seeks to convey something and readies for a response. They want to know they have affected you, and at a subconscious level, it rewards them with a dopamine spike. The rude player is affirmed if you respond in an uncontrolled manner, a signaling device that conveys a relinquishing of one’s self-control. Not responding to their behavior seriously undermines their intentions. You don't have to respond, and in fact, challenging your desire to respond or act impulsively can be a healthy and powerful exercise in self-control.
• Deploy mitigation devices that counter rudeness, such as interpersonal stance and prosodic strategies like downward inflection of voice and tone (Vergis et al., 2020). This will require some practice. Knowing and practicing strategic ways you can respond is always helpful in binding confidence to your approach.

A good example of these strategies comes from a video of actor Tom Cruise, in which he encounters an unexpected action perpetrated by an interviewer that catches him off guard. Instead of allowing ego or pride to take hold, he impressively stays focused, engaging emotional regulation (control), downward inflection (lowered voice), and emotional prosody (concerned countenance, desire to understand) to address what happens. His posture isn’t defensive but counter-intuitive, as he holds the person’s hands, encouraging them to stay in the moment (forced opposites approach) while also establishing a human connection. Although not necessarily a perfect end, it is a way to observe some psychological devices articulated proactively.

In the end, keep in mind that rude behavior is a pretense to other things that have gone wrong in someone’s world. It is you, however, who holds the most powerful choice. Be strong. Choose wisely.