Are You in Denial About a Narcissist's Unhealthy Behavior?

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Many narcissists can be charming, entertaining, and seductive. They can make you feel as though you are the only person who matters, even in a crowded room. At least initially.

Over time, however, relationships with narcissists tend to become increasingly one-sided. You give. Narcissists take.

By the time you realize the relationship has turned sour, it can be difficult to disentangle yourself.

By “narcissist,” I mean individuals who meet the diagnostic criteria for narcissistic personality disorder or who display especially strong narcissistic personality traits.

A 2020 study asked a structured set of questions of 436 adults in current or past close relationships with a narcissistic partner or family member. Participants described narcissistic relatives as lacking empathy, displaying arrogant behavior, requiring excessive admiration, and devaluing others. They also described the relatives as hypersensitive, vengeful, cold, exploitative, and acting like victims.

We can have compassion for a narcissistic person's psychological wounds. Many narcissists experienced early trauma or loss.

At the same time, if you are in a relationship with a narcissist, it is essential to have self-compassion. There are powerful yet hard-to-see influences that can lead us to minimize or deny painful truths about being in an unhealthy relationship with a narcissist.

Getting clarity about unhealthy elements of a narcissistic relationship has three steps.

Step 1: Identify how you may be in denial

Recognize any ways in which you ignore or collude with relationship dysfunction. For example:

• You take great steps to avoid making the narcissist angry.
• You focus only on good things about the relationship.
• You attend to the narcissist’s feelings and needs more than your own.
• You don’t bring up problems or concerns about the relationship.
• You don’t trust yourself to set effective boundaries.
• You do things you don’t feel good about.
• You play along with a narcissist’s obsession with their image.
• You ignore or sidestep a narcissist’s lies.
• You tolerate a narcissist’s shaming, demeaning, or dismissive behavior.
• You justify or make excuses for the narcissist’s actions.
• You don’t discuss your concerns with trusted friends.
• You distance yourself from friends who raise questions about your relationship.
• You minimize the dysfunction or think it is normal.
• You blame yourself.

Step 2: Understand why you may be in denial

Several reasons can lead us to fall into denial in relationships with narcissists. For example:

1. Things narcissists do simply don't "compute."

We try to make sense of others’ motives based on our own worldview. But narcissists and others with personality disorders function with a set of rules for living that may seem so foreign or extreme that we find it hard to believe.

It may take several damaging experiences before we finally accept that narcissists tend to be transactional rather than relational; competitive rather than cooperative; self-centered instead of concerned for the greater good; and disingenuous instead of transparent.

2. Acknowledging the truth can be painful.

It can hurt to admit that someone you care about repeatedly mistreats you. It can also be sobering to realize that you have allowed someone to mistreat you. Either realization can shatter illusions about others or ourselves. Although giving up illusions can ultimately be freeing, our illusions help us overlook or deny unpleasant truths.

3. Narcissists facilitate our denial.

Narcissists are experts at avoiding responsibility and shifting blame. They often project, deny, and gaslight, which can lead you to question yourself, not them.

4. We think we can change them.

Like a co-dependent to an alcoholic, we may assume the role of trying to save or rescue a narcissist from themselves, overlooking the dysfunction and costs of a pattern of narcissistic behavior.

5. Seeing the truth creates a dilemma.

Recognizing the costs of having a destructive narcissist in your life may leave you with a difficult choice: Leave, but forfeit a connection that you value; or stay, but lose self-respect.

6. Speaking the truth can be risky.

Speaking the truth to a narcissist can trigger attacks, manipulation, rejection, and put-downs.

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Step 3: Recognize the costs of denial

Even though denial can happen for understandable reasons, it brings painful costs. These costs may include feeling:

• Isolated.
• Dissociated.
• Devalued.
• Anxiety-ridden.
• Empty or numb.
• Shameful.
• Irritable or angry.
• Depressed.
• Ill-at-ease or unsafe around a narcissist.
• Guilt-ridden.
• Like you are walking on eggshells.

An unhealthy relationship with a narcissist can have a lasting effect. You may feel guilt or shame, second-guess yourself, lose confidence, struggle with intimacy, and have difficulty trusting future partners. All the more reason to identify if you are in denial or colluding with an unhealthy relationship.

These three steps to accurately assess a potentially unhealthy relationship—identifying how, and why, you may be in denial, and acknowledging the price you pay—can take work and time. But doing this work can help you set better boundaries or potentially remove yourself from a destructive relationship.

As feminist pioneer Gloria Steinem once said, “The truth will set you free—but first, it will piss you off.”