13 Ways to Temper a Harsh Inner Critic

Do you often experience self-critical thoughts such as:

• What’s wrong with you?
• How could you be so stupid?
• You’ll never amount to anything.
• Who do you think you are?

These are classic messages from your inner critic.

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Negative thinking is part of being human. However, for some of us, self-critical thoughts may be especially loud or harsh.

Psychology theorists have conceived of our critical inner voice in various ways. Sigmund Freud called it the superego, designed to suppress impulses that violate societal and parental norms and prohibitions.

Object relations theorists such as Melanie Klein and William Fairbairn described it as a self-blaming response to internalized “bad objects.”

Internal family systems theorists such as Richard Schwartz view the inner critic as a wounded aspect of ourselves that can be learned from and integrated.

A harsh inner critic may emerge in response to attachment traumas such as rejection, abandonment, or neglect. It can develop in a dysfunctional, unsafe family environment. It can even arise from witnessing others, such as a parent or sibling, being criticized or shamed.

The inner critic is designed to protect you from pain. Born in an environment of unhealthy control, lack of trust, dysfunctional interactions, and even trauma, the inner critic still lives in that world and thinks you do, too.

The problem is that inner critics tend to overestimate danger and underestimate you. Their incessant drumbeat can activate your fight-flight-freeze response. This can lead to increased anxiety, which can overpower good judgment and a healthy perspective.

While the inner critic may be trying to protect you, a harsh one can imprison rather than protect you. The more you absorb your inner critic’s messages, the more you may feel incapable, unworthy, and prone to failure.

Given that your inner critic is with you for life, trying to fight or banish it is not helpful. Instead, here are 13 ways to temper a harsh inner critic:

1. Spot the Inner Critic’s Playbook

Write your inner critic's messages in your journal or voice-type them on your phone. Then look at your list. You may spot manipulative tactics such as minimizing, catastrophizing, ridiculing, and gaslighting.

2. Refuse to Live in Its World

One way to cope with difficult people is to identify their rules for living. For example, with bullies, we can summon compassion but set firm boundaries. With passive-aggressive people, it helps to be direct and not accept evasions or indirect answers. With narcissists, you can refuse to collude with entitled, non-empathic thinking and behaviors. Similarly, recognize your inner critic’s distorted assumptions and invalidating messages and set them aside.

3. Reject Its Harsh Tone

If you had a friend who was suffering, you would probably not say to them, “You’re not doing it right. Stop wallowing.” Give yourself the compassionate voice you’d use with a friend or loved one.

4. Look Behind the Curtain

To convince you how unlovable, incapable, unattractive, weak, or defective you are, the inner critic glosses over your strengths and triumphs. Rather than succumbing to its selective thinking, ask, If I am such a failure, how was I able to (complete college/ raise a child/ buy a house/ have such great friends) and so on?

5. Keep a Sense of Humor

Sometimes, we have to laugh at the inner critic. It can be so illogical or hypocritical, such as when it berates you for not having compassion for yourself. Try approaching this prickly part with a knowing smile, like a tolerant parent.

6. Occasionally, Admire Its Work

Even though self-critical thinking can inflict pain and most of us are loathe to find good in the inner critic, from time to time step back and admire an especially clever line of criticism. Your inner critic is, after all, part of you. It can be quite creative. An occasional compliment will likely defuse, not embolden, your inner critic. It may also help integrate this wounded aspect of yourself.

7. Keep Score

Sometimes the inner critic’s dire predictions do come true. But to assess its overall accuracy, keep a list of all the warnings and predictions it gives in an hour or day. Then see how many materialized. You will likely find your inner critic has a horrible batting average.

8. Mine for Gold

Sometimes there are nuggets of wisdom in your inner critic’s messages. Ask yourself what might be a valuable perspective or question in what your inner critic says. Look past the harsh tone and you may find guidance.

9. Notice Its Timing

Inner critics may become especially active or strident when you are considering going against old prohibitions to take a risk. While the inner critic may be doing its job by trying to wave you off, you cannot grow without risk.

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10. Look for the Loss

If you hear shaming inner critic messages, notice if you are experiencing or anticipating a loss. Inner critics try to shield you from painful emotions and realizations by distracting you, often with shame. I find in my clinical work that this is especially true when we're facing grief. By allowing yourself to grieve, you may feel more in touch with yourself and also quiet your inner critic.

11. Draw the Line

Sometimes sidestepping the inner critic can be as simple as saying, “What I am doing helps me. Stop trying to make me second-guess myself.”

12. Beat It to the Punch

When considering a big step or a novel experience, predict what your inner critic is likely to say. You know your inner critic better than anyone else does. When you predict its criticisms (“You’re too sensitive,” You're not good enough to succeed," “You’re too full of yourself.”), you dilute the impact of self-criticism by preempting it.

13. Be Discerning

Your inner critic is not your true voice. A healthy inner voice doesn’t seek to make you feel small. It seeks to awaken you, help you see the truth, and honor who you are. That is the voice to cultivate.