The Difficulties of Making a Big Life Decision

You want better for yourself. You’re ready to initiate a big life change because you deserve to be fulfilled and live a better life. One of the things standing in the way of you and “better” is the difficulty of deciding to make the change. Making big decisions is hard. It can often feel like you are signing your life away with a decision. However, most things in life are not and don’t have to be, permanent. It’s common to get stuck on the thought about whether or not a certain decision is “right” for you. If you just think of “right” in a broad way, though, you are ultimately speaking on behalf of yourself at age 20, 40, 60, 80, and so on. How do you know what all those versions of yourself are going to want or need?

The truth is, you don’t know. When thinking about what is “right,” it is important to add “at this time” to complete the sentence. “What is the right decision for me at this time?” While you can, of course, bear in mind what you’ve been through in the past and what you hope for your future, only the present-day version of yourself can answer this question. The “wrong” decision is very feared. Typically, people define the “wrong” decision by an outcome that would make them feel like a failure. Are you really a failure, though, if you made a decision at one time in your life, using the information you had at hand then, and at another time in your life, it doesn’t fit anymore? Perhaps this is just indicative of the ever-changing relationship between humans and life. The pressure to experience a particular outcome really adds to the difficulty of decision-making. You can alleviate this pressure by recognizing that a decision is not a commitment to an outcome; it’s a commitment to a trial.

It is important to make changes in your life. Change is the vehicle for learning, evolving, growing, meeting new people, and gaining new experiences, which make up what it means to live. It’s easy to get caught up in the idea of things lasting “forever.” The reality is that “forever” is the exception to life experiences, not the norm. You don’t need to stay in a situation forever if it isn’t serving you. You also don’t need to have the change last forever if it no longer fulfills you down the road.

Life is like a mountain with different trails you can hike. Each trail will show you something different along the way, and you will navigate them at varying levels of difficulty. However, they are all part of the same mountain, and some of them may lead to the same view at the top. You can also switch trails along your hike. The blue-marked trail you started on may converge with a red-marked trail, and you decide you’d prefer to see what that one is about.

Even though flexibility in how you move through life is important for mitigating some of the hardships of decision-making, another barrier exists: when the heart and mind don’t agree. The heart and mind not being aligned is an agonizing experience. It can completely throw off your internal equilibrium, disrupting your nervous system. You may still be in love with your partner and know in your head that this person cannot meet your fundamental needs long-term. You may feel really comfortable at your current job and know that you deserve and need a higher salary or more flexibility in your schedule, which another company is offering you. You may feel guilty cutting off a family member and know that you will move through life more peacefully if they are not a part of it.

Humans possess a unique complexity of thoughts and feelings compared to other species. The mind and heart have a lot more nuance and, therefore, communicate a lot more to you, especially at one time. In doing so, they sometimes communicate completely different messages.

Often, you are in a position where you can follow your heart when what you want doesn’t compromise what you need. However, when a big decision is a matter of meeting a significant, large-scale need, your brain might be the one to listen to. Decision-making is a complicated cognitive process. There are so many factors to consider for one big life decision; that’s a pretty unfair ratio.

Listening to your heart requires less work because it’s less information to sift through. Your emotional experience is so important, and there is such a place for leading with your heart as a decision-making method. It’s just that when it comes to making certain kinds of big decisions, listening to your heart may only lead to short-term benefits. Logic and reason deserve to be listened to when it comes to making a change that benefits your overall well-being long-term, even if it means trudging through short-term discomfort to get there. Because listening to the brain can cause decision-making fatigue, it is important to show yourself compassion, take breaks, and engage in safe and healthy self-care throughout the decision-making process.

It is valid to struggle with the decision to make a big life change. Though decision-making is hard, it is an important mental muscle to stretch and practice using so that you can navigate the inevitable, constant big shifts of life more effectively. You are capable of determining where you step next in your life; you have already done so with various past experiences.