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Key points
- Making friends as we get older can be challenging.
- Shifting your perspective on friendship can make it easier to make new friends as your life changes.
- New relationships need time to develop into meaningful friendships.
You know that friendships are important. You probably have seen research showing that strong social connections can lower our risk of a variety of emotional and physical illnesses, such as depression and high blood pressure. Yet research also shows that once you’re out of college, it becomes increasingly hard to make new friends.
But don't give up. It's actually not as hard as it seems to make new friends. It does, however, require a slight shift in perspective. And to make that shift, it's useful to understand the problem itself.
Why is it hard to make new friends as an adult?
The reasons are pretty basic. In college, there are lots of people your age all around you. You have a wide range of peers to choose from, and simple, straightforward ways to connect. When you graduate, you and your friends tend to go in different directions, but even when you stay in touch, it’s harder to find time to hang out or connect when you’re all taking on new jobs, a new apartment, new roommates, and new relationships.
Busy schedules also make it hard for adults to develop new friendships. You might have found some work buddies, but getting together for anything other than a drink after work is often complicated. You have other things going on in your life, and so do they. Personal relationships, children, and other commitments can interfere with the easy camaraderie of school friendships. My PT colleague Beverly Flaxington has written about this problem and has some great suggestions about what you can do about it.
But there’s something else going on, too
One of the problems for many of us is our definition of friendship. Often, we think that friends should be soulmates. We’re looking for someone who understands us, who shares our values and ways of being in the world, who stimulates our thinking, joins us in having fun, and makes us feel better when we’re down. Most adult friendships, however, offer some, but not all of these functions.
Gary* had been out of college for about five years. He had never felt like a particularly popular guy, but in college, he’d had a group of friends that he did things with. Although they’d said they would stay in touch after graduation, it was hard, with their new jobs, new lives, and in some cases, new girlfriends or boyfriends.
“I think of myself as an independent person,” he told me. “But I’m feeling really lonely these days. And it’s hard to find new friends.”
Gary had tried. He went out for a beer with someone from work and invited someone else to go to a hockey game with him.
“It was fine,” he said. “But it just seemed to end there. The guy who went with me to the hockey game invited me to go to another one. I did, and it was fun. But then another time I suggested we go to a movie, and he wasn’t interested. That’s not good. I’m looking for someone who I can do different things with.”
Different kinds of friends
I asked Gary if he preferred to stay home and feel lonely over going with this friend to sports events. He said that he liked being home, sometimes, but if he were lonely, he’d rather go with this guy.
“So maybe he can be a friend for certain activities,” I said.
Gary was intrigued by that idea. “Are you saying that it could be good to have different kinds of friends?” he asked. “Like for different activities?”
It turned out that he already had some categories of new acquaintances. There was a woman at work who liked jazz, which Gary had been interested in for years. “She has a boyfriend who also likes that kind of music. Maybe they would go to concerts with me from time to time,” he said.
A tennis player, it hadn’t occurred to him that one of the people he frequently played against could also be a friend. “We don’t have a lot in common,” Gary said, “but we’re well-matched tennis opponents. And we talk sometimes between sets. I like him.”
As Gary broadened his definition of friendship, he also opened himself up to connecting with different kinds of people.
Changing expectations
As we go through different life stages, we often find that old friends are less available for a variety of reasons. Marjorie*, for instance, retired at the age of 65, but some of her friends were still working full-time and weren’t available to join her in her new, more relaxed life. She was still getting together with a group of friends for dinner or a glass of wine, but they couldn’t take a walk or go to the movies in the middle of the day.
She had always been a busy woman who was engaged in many different activities. Retirement gave her an opportunity to do more volunteer work, play tennis, take pilates more regularly, and read all of the books on her very long reading list. She also took a pottery class, which she enjoyed so much that she became a regular at the pottery studio.
One day she told me, “You know, the other day I realized that even though I’m not spending more time with my old friends, I’m never lonely. I’ve met all kinds of interesting people through my activities, and I go out for coffee or lunch with some of them on occasion. In the past, I don’t think I would have called these new acquaintances friends, because I don’t share deep thoughts or feelings with them, which is what I always expect to do with friends. But maybe I expect something different from friends these days.”
I asked Marjorie if she could explain what that might be. “I think I expect some friends to be able to share the deeper stuff with me,” she said after thinking for a few moments. “But I think other qualities can also be what makes a person a friend. Like enjoying an activity together or sharing ideas about future activities. We don’t always have to be talking about feelings, which is what I’ve usually expected. I realized that that kind of relationship takes time to develop. Maybe eventually some of these newer connections will deepen into what I have with my old friends, but it isn’t necessary.”
Changing both your definition and your expectations of friendship can make it easier to find and develop new relationships as you get older. Understanding that new friendships will have a different texture and quality from old ones, and giving new relationships time and space to develop, can make it easier to find new friends.
