Gift Giving Is Not a Perfect Love Language

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“I’m so excited to give my husband his presents,” Lily* said. “I’ve got the kids involved, so the presents are from all of us. They’re so cute. It’s really hard for them to keep a secret, but they’re all helping each other do it.” She stopped for a minute and then said, “But you know, even if they tell him ahead of time, it won’t matter a whole lot. He’s going to love what he’s getting.”

I asked her how she knew he would love these gifts. She said, “Because I have a knack for gift giving. I spend the entire year listening carefully to things people say for hints about what everyone I love would like, and I buy some of the things long before the holidays. I can’t always do that with my children, because what they want changes so quickly as they grow, but with my husband and friends and the rest of my family, I have a reputation for being amazing at knowing exactly what they want – even things they don’t have any idea that they’d like.”

Lily knows favorite colors and foods and likes and dislikes of all the people she loves. “I enjoy thinking about these things and finding the exact right thing for everyone. It’s how I show my love. Gift giving truly is my love language,” she said.

“Sadly,” she said, “it’s not my husband’s.”

Gift giving can be complicated

The idea of gift giving as a love language comes from Gary Chapman’s popular book The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate.

As my Psychology Today colleague Gary Lewandowski points out, while the idea of love languages can be useful, it doesn’t always take into account the complexity of actual relationships. In my experience, for example, when it comes to gift giving, it’s very important to take nuance into account.

A gift lets us know that someone cares about us

Chapman tells us that gifts let us know that someone cares about us. When we look at or touch the gift, we know that person was thinking about us.

Although some offerings don’t take the recipient into account, in my experience, mismatches occur because most people simply are not as talented at giving gifts as Lily is.

We have multiple ways of giving and receiving love

What’s important is that romantic partners, friends, and family find ways to let one another know that you love each other. Most of us have multiple ways of giving and receiving love. Gifts are only one of those ways.

Of course, as with many things in life, the gift-giving season might be easier to navigate when you and your loved ones “speak the same language.” But with just a little work, and without a translator, you can navigate different giving styles in a way that lets you both feel loved and appreciated. As Lewandowski writes, rather than worrying about a love language, you will do much better by learning “as much about relationships as possible so you can set your relationship up for success.”

What do you need to know about relationships to make gift giving and gift receiving feel loving for both of you?

1. Don't beat yourself up if you're not great at picking out gifts. If your partner gives and receives love through gifts, you can work at doing a better job with your gift giving. But remember that you show your love in other ways as well. Rather than beating yourself up for not speaking this love language, try to show your love in other ways this season. Chapman tells us that spending quality time together, expressing your appreciation, offering acts of service, and touching physically are other love languages. There are other ways of loving as well, ranging from acts of kindness to picking up a loved one’s laundry and running other errands they don’t have time for this holiday season.
2. Don’t take it personally if you are a gift giver but your loved one isn’t. Pay attention to other ways that she expresses love. Maybe she gives you a back rub or reminds you to call the doctor; or maybe she takes out the garbage or does the grocery shopping. All of these small, daily behaviors may be part of her love language, even if giving a gift isn’t. Lily, a very wise woman, told me that she knows her husband loves her because he tries to find the perfect present for her every year. “He almost always gets it wrong,” she said, “but the trying is his love language. And whatever he gives me, I love, because it came from him, and because he put energy and thought into it.”
3. If, unlike Lily, you need gifts to be exactly what you want, give your loved ones a detailed list. I learned to do this from my sister-in-law, another very wise woman. These days, my children, husband, and I all create a list of gifts in various price ranges and categories that we’d like. The surprise is in which ones we receive, as well as small unrequested gifts. And the love is, as Lily said, in knowing that our loved ones tried.
4. Be a good receiver. Try to appreciate and express your gratitude for the thought that went into the present, even if it's not exactly what you wanted. Remember that even a "wrong" gift may have taken a lot of effort. Sometimes it's helpful to point out what made it not work, so that the gift giver can do better in the future. But that information can usually be taken in more easily if the person doesn't feel bad about themselves for what they've offered.
5. Find other ways to share special moments during the holidays. Some of us love this time of year, while others find it irritating, sad, lonely, and overwhelming. Don’t demand that your loved ones feel the way you do about these days, but look for ways that all of you can enjoy the season. If you love the Christmas lights but don’t celebrate the holiday or don’t want them in your house, walk or drive around your area and admire your neighbors’ decorations. Find one of the many beautiful non-religious sound and light shows that pop up locally. Go to a candlelight service. These activities don’t have to be seasonal; non-holiday candlelight concerts honoring the music of pop, jazz, and country singers take place all over the country and at all times of the year.
6. If you want to be pampered but your partner isn’t the pampering type, don’t fret waiting for this person to change. Remind yourself of the reasons you love your partner and of the ways you know that your partner loves you. And then do something to pamper yourself.

A gift is an attempt to capture a feeling, and like all expressions of feelings, it doesn’t always work. As presents are opened at your house this year, keep in mind that love is more than whatever is inside a gift wrapped box, more than a single moment in time, and more than a single language.

*Names and identifying info changed for privacy.