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Key points
- Conflict keeps escalating in today’s world. Can psychology help us approach aggression differently?
- We can learn to manage the normal, sometimes painful, conflicts of childhood, adolescence, and adulthood.
- Letting go of a power struggle can make a difference.
It seems that conflict keeps escalating in today’s world, and clients and students keep asking how psychology might help us approach aggression differently.
One parent, for example, captured the struggle by saying, “I want my daughters to be strong and my sons to be empathic; but I also want it the other way around. I want my daughters to also be empathic and my sons also to be strong. That’s not what they’re learning in the world, though.”
A young graduate student talked about aggressive, distressing arguments among classmates: “Everyone is so convinced that they’re right,” she said. “They want to make their point, and they aren’t interested in anyone else’s perspective.”
And a rabbi told me sadly, “I hear it in my congregants. It’s that old trope ‘If you aren’t with me, you’re against me.’ There’s no room for meaningful discussion of differences. And certainly no room for compromise or managing those differences in a healthy way.”
How can we manage conflict in a world that promotes anger, hostility, and aggression?
In a world like this, how can we teach our children to manage the normal, but sometimes painful, conflicts of childhood, adolescence, and adulthood?
How do a brother and sister, who differ in opinion about the care of an elderly parent, come together to make sure that the parent doesn’t suffer?
How can a couple manage differences about bringing up their children, dealing with their parents and in-laws, decorating their home, spending their money, planning for retirement, or even planning a vacation and having sex?
How can an employee deal with a hostile or insensitive colleague or boss? How can a manager teach a hostile or insensitive employee to be a better team player?
The concept of peaceful nonengagement
I was intrigued when a friend, who had been part of the first generation of women to become an executive in a large, competitive, still mostly all-male industry, said to me that one of her go-to techniques in the face of hostility and aggression was what she called “peaceful nonengagement.”
“But wait,” I said. “Isn’t that just simple avoidance? Isn’t that what women have been trying to stop doing all these years?”
“Not at all,” she said. “There are times when you absolutely stand up for yourself and your beliefs. But, sometimes, the best thing is to zone out. And then, later, you can come back and negotiate, when the person sees that they’re not going to get you riled up.”
She told me of a time that she had been the only woman in a board room filled with male colleagues, and
“one guy just kept trying to get me, although in a veiled kind of way. He would make subtle putdowns and veiled insults. I’m not sure any of the other men in the room picked up on it. Certainly no one called him on it. So I just plastered a peaceful look on my face and thought about what I was going to have for dinner, how I was going to prepare it, where I needed to stop after work to get the ingredients. I basically stopped listening to him—I disengaged.”
My friend wasn’t sure where she was going to get with this colleague, but after the meeting, he came over to her and said, “Wow. You are unflappable.” He asked her if she would be willing to work on a project with him. At that point, she said, very unemotionally, “I will if you can refrain from making all those obnoxious comments.” He started to deny that he had done anything wrong, but she just put on that peaceful look again, and he laughed and said, “OK.”
Not a one-size-fits-all solution
Of course, this approach doesn’t work in every situation. One problem is that your antagonist might get even more angry when they feel that you’re ignoring them. If that happens, it might be worthwhile to say something like, “I’d actually like to listen to what you have to say, but not when you’re being so hostile and hurtful.”
The important point is that you’re not, in that moment, trying to make them listen to what you have to say. You’re simply defining the rules of engagement.
Define your rules of engagement
When my husband and I first got together, we actually did something like this. We were arguing about something, I have no idea what, and one of us made a hurtful comment to the other—again, neither he nor I remember what it was or who said it. But, in that moment, we stopped and agreed that we could argue about anything, we could be mad at each other, and we could pause an argument when it got too heated or was threatening to move into hurtful territory. But we couldn’t be mean or intentionally hurtful.
Strike when the iron is cool
That isn’t to say that we didn’t (and don’t) talk about hurtful things but that, as the saying goes, we try to “strike when the iron is cool,” waiting till we’re calmer to get into the painful stuff, so that we don’t run the risk of doing serious damage to our relationship in the heat of the moment.
This approach seems to be behind the ideas of organizations attempting to promote meaningful dialogue between people with conflicting or antagonistic beliefs. One, Braver Angels, writes on their webpage, “As we separate into groups that increasingly do not even know, or interact with, people of differing opinions, we lose trust in our institutions, eroding the ability to govern ourselves and lowering the caliber of citizenship.” They describe their mission as fueled by a belief that “the American Experiment can survive and thrive for every American who contributes to the effort.”
Seeds of Peace is an organization that describes itself as striving “to tackle difficult truths, challenge conventional thinking, and ask hard questions. We strive to provide individuals and communities safe spaces to listen, learn, and grow and provide platforms where multiple truths and perspectives can be held simultaneously when tackling today’s most pressing issues.”
In a community, a family, a couple, and even within each of us, conflicts always exist. Differences are part of human nature. Disagreements are normal. Psychology offers many tools for listening, learning, and growing. Finding ways to listen to and respect differences is not always easy. But, as we make room for nonhostile, nonhateful expressions of difference, we will also make room for the development of each of our relationships—within ourselves as well as with loved ones, colleagues, and strangers.
