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Key points
- Do you take care of your own needs when doing so creates a problem for others you love?
- Do you sacrifice yourself and give others what they need, no matter the cost to you?
- Is there a way to care for others without being a martyr?
Do you take care of your own needs even if it creates a problem for loved ones? Or do you sacrifice yourself and give them what they need?
Here are a few common examples of tough questions and no easy answers.
Research shows that numerous women struggle with some levels of depression in the months after childbirth. In some cases, medication and psychotherapy solve the problem, but in others, going back to work helps the mom feel more like herself. Unfortunately, cultural and social pressure to stay home sometimes reinforces the feeling that she is being selfish by leaving her baby with someone else. In recent years some men have worked hard to be more supportive of women in the workplace. Some recognize that this allyship can mean losing ground in their own career tracks and giving up power positions to women. Yet some men have begun to wonder if they are being too selfless, especially when they are passed over for promotion in favor of less qualified women.
Public school teachers, another example, often love their students but feel burned out by the job. They want to move to the private sector, to have more support and fewer students in each class, but they feel bad about leaving their current students to meet their own needs. A further example, many couples struggle with the holidays every year. Their respective parents remind them annually about how lonely one parent is, how sad another is, and how hard it is not to see the grandchildren or share special traditions with them. Unable to please everyone, they dread the holidays, which are inevitably exhausting and miserable instead of joyous.
There are no easy answers to any of these questions. But there are possible solutions.
Steps to solve these dilemmas:
Practice self-care. Self-care involves taking care of your physical, emotional, and mental health. Getting enough sleep, exercising, and eating well are part of self-care. As is recognizing your emotional needs, finding ways to express those needs to others who respond to them, and finding ways to cope when others don’t meet your needs.
Use your support network. Sometimes even the most well-meaning partner, loved one, or friend won’t be able to see your side of a difficulty. That’s when it’s useful to turn to other members of your support group. While being careful not to set one person against another, you can get different opinions about what’s happening. Validation of your feelings helps, but it’s also helpful to hear from people who love you but don’t completely agree with your perspective. Listen to and think about what they have to say. They might make some good points.
Talk with the other person. Find a comfortable, quiet place where you can each share your point of view. I have found that, in working with couples, when both people’s feelings are respected, disagreements are often far more resolvable than anyone imagined. The key is to acknowledge that, while you don’t like or maybe even understand the other person’s position, each of you probably has good reasons for taking that stance. If you can listen to one another without insisting that yours is the only right or logical position, your conflict might cool down. This is true at work as well. Ask your boss or manager to tell you his or her perspective, and then try to share your own. And ask if there is any way that you each can shift the envelope, just a little, to take your wishes into account.
Try to find a compromise that makes room for different needs and desires. The author and Israeli political commentator Amos Oz has said that there is no such thing as a compromise that makes everyone happy. By definition, compromise requires that each party gives up something to get something else. But that is what makes relationships work. Unless we’re involved with our own clones, we’re going to have to navigate different desires and needs—our own and others’—in every relationship at some point. A conversation that takes into account different wishes will recognize that each participant is going to make some sort of sacrifice. The goal is to make sure that each person feels that the sacrifice is worth it, which means that each person gets something meaningful in return. When it comes to holidays and family, often the hardest part of the solution is accepting a compromise that works but doesn't meet everyone's vision of a perfect holiday.
A poignant story
I was recently asked my opinion about a 17-year-old who had been wearing a wig for seven years because of congenital baldness that struck when she was 10 years old. The teen decided to stop wearing her wig and make peace with her baldness but was stymied when her older sister, who was getting married, asked her not to go bald for the wedding. The teen’s parents and sister wanted to know why she couldn’t just do what her sister wanted. It was, after all, a special day for her sister.
She, on the other hand, wanted to know why they couldn’t respect her desire to be accepted for herself. Were they ashamed of her for being bald? She was worried that she was being selfish, but she was also upset that they were being self-centered. I don’t know how the sister finally resolved the problem.
In such a situation, two people can acknowledge that they love one another and understand each other's perspective. A compromise would mean that two people can take care of one another while protecting their individual selves.
Resolution doesn't always happen as smoothly as it does in my fantasy. Sometimes the only solution to a problem at work, after talking with your employers, is to find another job. Sometimes, you may need to do what feels right to you despite criticism from others. This happens for some mothers who go back to work notwithstanding cultural pressure to stay home because they believe that being competent at work will make them feel more competent at home. Finding a loving caregiver for your child can, of course, make a big difference.
Sometimes we choose to take care of others’ needs to be the person we want to be. But sometimes, even when it looks selfish, self-care can make it possible to be more caring for others.
