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Sexual Abuse
The Silent Shame of Sexual Abuse
When your body is aroused during sexual abuse, that shame can seem unforgivable.
Posted August 28, 2023 Reviewed by Michelle Quirk
Key points
- The irrational belief that you were to blame may stem from a need to regain a sense of control.
- If your body became aroused during an act of sexual abuse, you must realize that arousal is not consent.
- Healing can come from realizing you were never to blame, no matter how your body responded.
Note: If you've been sexually abused, this article may trigger a response—memories, anxiety, nightmares. Please read with care.
I can't count the times that a patient has been looking out the window, their eyes unable to meet mine, as they quietly say, "I'm so embarrassed...I've never told anyone this.” And I begin to hear about their sexual abuse. It's usually not the first session—perhaps not even the third or fourth. But, slowly, feeling safe and understood, they share their story and the shame they carry.
You fear what others might think if they knew. The rational side of you fights with the side that almost needs to believe that you had some sort of control. Because if you did? Maybe you could stop it in the future.
Blaming yourself can be a way to feel more in control now. Why doesn't it work long-term? Because it stops you from working through your other feelings.
Three far-too-real stories
John was 12 when his aunt and uncle took him to a camp in Missouri. The brochure he'd seen showed a big, husky man, grinning as he taught young boys how to ride horses, feed chickens, and learn about life on the farm. It looked so fun, and John couldn't wait to get there.
With a dead look on his face, the now-25-year-old John described the horror of what had actually happened on that farm. It was the cover for a pornography factory. He and the other boys had been drugged, videoed, and made to do every kind of sexual act imaginable. He thought his aunt and uncle had known—and when they picked him up a week later, John never said a word.
Shannon had been at home, alone. It was a hot Wednesday afternoon. She lived out from town, with neighbors fairly close, but not close enough to get their attention easily. Her husband had left hours ago for work. She heard something, looked up, and saw a strange man standing in the door frame. He looked wild, like he was high on something.
Shannon was viciously raped.
Carly was five when her mother remarried. She adored her new stepfather, her own dad having disappeared long before. So when he offered to help her with her bath, she held his hand and followed happily. Bath time slowly became something she hated. The fondling didn't begin all at once, but slowly evolved as part of her bath ritual.
Her mom would thank her stepfather every night for helping.
These are real stories. They join the many others of dates gone terribly wrong, older brothers or sisters being abusive while you were in their care, or coaches threatening to take you off the team if you didn't go along.
And somehow, all three individuals carried a sense of strong sense of shame. And had carried that shame for years.
Another form of shame that is often kept silent
But there can be another secret that racks a victim's soul. In fact, all three victims—John, Shannon, and Carly—revealed that their bodies had responded. They'd experienced arousal.
John hated his pubescent body for responding, irrationally believing that if it hadn't, he could have achieved some control. Shannon was horrified that she'd experienced something close to orgasm, even though she'd tried to fight off her attacker, and had been badly cut and bruised. Carly, a woman now, remembered "liking it," but feeling "confused and bad."
During what was the most awful experience of their lives, their nerve endings had acted as if what was happening was normal.
And they felt horribly ashamed.
It doesn't happen all the time. But it does happen, and you in no way should feel ashamed of how your body physiologically responded.
Arousal is not consent—pure and simple
The confusion lies in the fact that the abuse was horrific. So, why is my body aroused? You're not enjoying what's happening. Every part of your mind is screaming for it to stop.
Unfortunately, the body responding can create a shame that lingers far longer than the shame of the abuse itself, permanently entrenching itself in your gut and your soul. You may never tell anyone, feeling as if your body betrayed you and that you have even more to hide.
Abuse itself is hard enough to reveal, if it's revealed at all.
Healing from sexual abuse
Healing requires getting unhooked from any resulting shame you carry around with you. The process often involves identifying how being abused changed you, and how the abuse may still be affecting the choices you're making in your life. You want to create a nurturing and respectful relationship with your body as well as recognize that being a victim of sexual abuse doesn't define you.
Healing is having compassion and understanding for yourself and internalizing that, whether your body responded or not, it wasn’t consent.
Healing is recognizing that "fighting" and "fleeing" are only two of the responses to assault. "Freeze" and "fawn" are two other common responses that often are the only (and even perhaps best) way to protect yourself.
Healing is realizing that carrying shame prolongs the power your perpetrator had over you.
Healing takes embracing that none of it was your fault.
If you've been sexually abused, please seek help. You can get immediate help online at the RAINN hotline. Other hotlines and resources can be found by clicking here.
