Common Reasons for Relapse

With summer soon upon us, there will be ample opportunities to quench our thirst with a variety of alcoholic beverages. For those of us in recovery, those opportunities may feel especially treacherous. It may seem that chilled beer cans are throwing themselves at us. Meanwhile, the pina coladas and margaritas have launched a frontal assault. The hard lemonades and ciders are propaganda machines, trying to convince us they are just harmless juice drinks. Add in some holiday gatherings with friends and family, and some people are at a higher risk for relapse.

There are no formulae, questionnaires, or predictors about when a relapse may happen. Contrary to popular belief, relapse is not inevitable when someone is in recovery. An effective form of protection against relapse is self-knowledge about the reasons why someone wants to pick up that first drink.

Why does having a drink seem more appealing than not?

Knowing these reasons may enable people to make a choice not to do it. Here are some of the more common reasons why people take a drink after an intentional period of sobriety.

Reward:

People believe they deserve or have earned a drink for all their hard work or for navigating stressful situations or dealing with difficult people. A reward is equated with fun and fun with alcohol. Every advertisement sends that message loudly and clearly.

Resentment:

People begin to cultivate a grievance about not being able to drink rather than cultivating gratitude for all they can do when not drinking. The resentment may be directed at those who do drink, especially if they can drink “normally.” The resentment may also stem from feeling as if one is missing out on the fun.

Retaliation:

People often lash out at others with an attitude of “I’ll show you,” especially when they have been hurt. After a breakup, a poor performance review from a boss, or a negative comment from a spouse or sibling, people may harbor a desire to prove everyone is wrong about them. They drink to spite others.

Rosiness:

People begin to misremember the past as not being all that bad, especially if their drinking days are dots in their rear-view mirrors. They fail to heed the warning on the mirrors that “objects are closer than they appear.” People may also project into the future. They imagine it as having everything good stay the same but with the added joy of drinking.

Resignation:

People are often told that relapse is inevitable because it is a part of the disease. The common claim is that people will relapse. Since it is going to happen anyway, why not make it happen now? Oddly enough, it gives people some semblance or illusion of control.

Rigidity:

Many people believe there is only one way to be sober and so are not willing to try new methods when the old ones start to work less well. They may tell themselves, “AA isn’t working for me anymore, so nothing else can.” Or they may have become sober all on their own and can’t imagine reaching out to other people.

Reduction:

In the worst throes of addiction, many of us lost or believed ourselves to have lost people whom we loved. We may have felt completely alone in the world. This feeling of loneliness and alienation from others often goes dormant when we are sober. But it can crop up, especially when we start to think about drinking again. We may tell ourselves that no one else cares about us, so we’ll only be hurting ourselves. Hurting ourselves doesn’t really count in the grand scheme of things.

Relapses don’t just happen; they often involve a choice to pick up a drink. Unpacking the reasons why drinking seems a better option can lead to a different choice. Many of the reasons above are tricksters, seeming plausible when we are perhaps at our most vulnerable. One way not to be swept away by these reasons is to take a pause or institute a waiting period. What in a particular moment may seem like a good idea can—five minutes or five hours later—seem like the worst idea ever.