The Agony and Ecstasy of Victimhood

Source: Photo by form PxHere

I begin this post with an important disclaimer. There is such a thing as real victimhood, someone or some group who has/have been unfairly discriminated against, attacked, reviled, abused or mistreated. It is right for us to become conscious of the ways in which this can occur, and to take steps to protect these people or groups of people from it happening. It is right for us to become aware of the ways in which we can mistreat others because of prejudice, power and privilege.

If we are part of such a group, or have been individually mistreated, it is right for us to speak up about it.

Having said that, I don’t want to dwell there, because I think too many people do. What do I mean by “victim mentality”? I think there are many ways we can define this, but let me suggest a few to get the wheels turning:

1. Seeing ourselves as being powerless in a situation where we actually have resources and options to do more than we are doing;
2. Seeing ourselves as innocent parties on the receiving end of someone else's misbehavior without recognizing our contribution to the struggle we're engaged in;
3. Developing an identity that is based upon grievance and complaint, which may indeed be true in part, but which also serves to define us through a sense of limitation, lack, and injustice.

These are just a few of the ways we can fall prey to that seductive pull toward self pity and grievance, nursing perceived slights and wounds while the rest of the world moves past us.

I can’t speak with authority on the collective level, though I must say I don’t see a lot of forward progress for groups that seem stuck in the victim mentality. But I can definitely say what I see in my practice with individuals. There is a time in an individual’s work for them to recognize the ways in which they have been mistreated, either by parents or by life. And then there is a time to move past it. I tell my clients: “I don’t do victim.” Not because I’m heartless or insensitive. But because I find that looking at someone as a victim is deeply disrespectful. “Poor you,” it suggests. “You can’t move forward in life because of what happened to you.”

I prefer the following stance: “What happened to you is awful. I get it. Now what are you going to do about it? How are you going to move on with your life? How are you going to become the person God created you to be?” To stay in the victim stance is akin to staying in bed when it’s cold and rainy outside rather than getting up, getting dressed and getting to the gym. One way certainly is more comfortable and soothing, but adopted as a way of life, it’s like psychological thumb sucking.

There are some things that are so awful they really can derail people. And there are some people who are so fragile they are more easily derailed. But there’s a whole lot of people — most of us — who need to get on with our life and take responsibility for what we do with it. Staying stuck in the victim role completely undermines that process.

If you sometimes feel yourself prone to the victim pull, what are your options?

The first thing is to recognize you're doing it. I tell my clients to "turn off the history channel" — those reruns of old history we play endlessly, tapes which reinforce our beliefs about ourselves as helpless, the world as hopeless, or other people as heartless.

The second thing you can do is to focus on your strengths. Energy follows attention, and if you focus on your strengths you get stronger, just like focusing on your weaknesses makes you weaker.

The third thing to do is to let yourself dream. Our day dreams and fantasies contain the seeds of our potential. Yes, seeds need to be planted, watered, fertilized and tended, but if you don't let yourself dream your biggest dream, you are stunting your growth before you even start.

The fourth thing you can do is practice not being a victim. There are a gazillion ways to practice new skills and strengths, whether it's learning to speak more assertively to say what you want (instead of complaining about what you don't have), or learning to apologize and accept responsibility for when you've messed up.

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The final thing I will recommend — and it's the final thing only because of space, not because these are the only things one can do — is to practice gratitude. There is no surer way to turn off your sense of what you think you lack or what you think you haven't received than to focus on all the things you have. For instance, those of us who have never known the physical insecurity of war or hunger, we have a duty to those less fortunate to appreciate just how lucky we are.