Adult ADHD and Coping With Rejection Sensitivity

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This is a follow-up to a previous post on adult ADHD and rejection sensitivity (RS), the overwhelming emotional reactivity and even shutdown at perceived slights and criticisms.¹ This post focuses on coping with and hopefully transcending RS.

For starters, most adults with ADHD have had more than their fair share of public-facing difficulties in social settings and relationships. Add to the mix that emotional dyscontrol is a core feature of ADHD² and one can see why adults with ADHD can be easily hurt by even seemingly innocuous comments and are on the lookout for signs of disapproval.

Coping With Rejection Sensitivity

Managing RS requires discernment of whether one's reactions are disproportionate to the trigger and overgeneralized, like a drop of ink clouding a full glass of water. Here are some questions to consider to better process RS feelings and keep them in perspective to move forward in productive ways:³

• What situation/event triggered my rejection sensitivity, defined in behavioral (versus emotional) terms? (What was said, done, or not done, by me and/or the other person?)

• What are my thoughts about this situation? Are these thoughts accurate and/or helpful and proportionate?

• How can I reevaluate my thoughts?

• What are my feelings about this situation? (Labeling feelings and layered feelings helps modulate them.)

• What are my feelings telling me and how can I manage them? (Social emotions help us judge situations and relationships. They can be accurate, such as if we made a mistake but can also be magnified or distorted, such as strong guilt/shame described by adults with ADHD.)

• What am I doing or not doing to handle this situation? (Is there something I need to address? Is there something I expect the other person to address?)

• What is my implementation plan for this situation? (What specifically do I need to do, including advocating for myself or practicing self-compassion?)

• How do I wield my social capital in this situation? (What influence do I have to either make amends or advocate for my needs in this relationship?)

Coping With ADHD Within Relationships

The RS management template above addresses dealing with rejection events as they occur. Many coping strategies for managing ADHD in daily life benefit relationships, such as time management, frustration management, and improved follow-through on commitments and reduce misunderstandings.

In terms of a coping framework, one can think of interpersonal bonds and connections as composed of a variety of tasks that represent deposits in these relationship accounts. Being on time might be an overarching goal for someone with ADHD but targeted coping efforts are made to arrive to work on time, be timely with rent payments with roommates, or other matters valued in relationships.

Discussions of ADHD and relationships can seem to place the bulk of responsibility on the shoulders of adults with ADHD. Relationships aren’t 50/50, they’re 100/100, as the saying goes. Coping strategies for adult ADHD include assertiveness and self-advocacy and ensuring that relationship accounts are balanced and fulfilling.³ Self-advocacy includes asking for (and accepting) help from others, or advocating for forbearance, such as “I often get stuck wrapping up details at work, so I might be a little late.” Moreover, adults with ADHD can propose regular check-ins with spouses/partners, roommates, teachers, or work supervisors to collaborate to ensure plans and expectations are aligned.

Below are some additional coping considerations for navigating and fostering relationships, which can be challenging for many adults with ADHD.³

Reading Social Cues/Norms. Picking up on non-verbal cues in conversations and unspoken, unwritten social rules are the sorts of information missed due to inattention and impulsivity and are sources of criticism and potential rejection events faced by adults with ADHD.⁴ An example of an unspoken but understood social norm is that if you are at an office party with your spouse, you might pick some food off their plate, but you would not take food off your boss’s plate.

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An underutilized coping skill is simply asking about norms, such as the office dress code or if attendance is taken in a college class. With difficult-to-read social cues, entering situations with a specific coping plan to avoid trouble is helpful. Such plans may include specific actions, such as “I’ll talk for about three sentences and then pause to let the other person talk,” or inactions like “I’ll only share work-related ideas or questions during the meeting and won't crack jokes.”

Managing Relationship Settings. Many adults with ADHD adopt a “one down” position with others and hold back on expressing their needs or preferences to avoid potential mistakes and rejections.³ This may lead to self-fulfilling prophecies in which trying to appease others sets them up for failure. An example of more effectively managing relationship settings is proposing “bounded interactions.”

For example, if a friend suggests a get-together for a leisurely dinner but you know you’ll get antsy halfway through, propose getting together for lunch or a coffee to play to your strengths. Similarly, to better pay attention to a spouse/partner or friend in a conversation, find or move to a reduced-distraction location. You will not lose points if you justify the move by saying “I want to focus on you and our chat.”

Effective Communication. This is one of those skills that makes sense, and we all want to do, but it is difficult to carry out. One useful skill for anyone but especially for adults with ADHD who experience RS and feel on the defensive is to listen non-defensively and for understanding rather than to succumb impulsively to dispute a point or make a counterargument. A next step is disarming or finding some truth in what the other person said, even if you disagree with some facts or attributions. You can use thought and feeling empathy by imagining and giving voice to the other person's experience (“I imagine you were frustrated and thought I forgot to pick you up after work”). You then have the leverage to share your viewpoint and simply have a more productive discussion.⁵

Making (Proportional) Amends. There will be times you mess up. Even when you are in the wrong, consider the severity of your “offense” when making amends. Was your mistake a felony like murder? Was it a misdemeanor? Maybe a speeding ticket? Was it more like a parking ticket or jaywalking? Maintain perspective in the way you would likely do for someone else, especially someone with ADHD, which is a facet of self-compassion.

Supportive Groups. No surprise, but having supportive, mutually respectful relationships with people who recognize your strengths and roll with any ADHD-related issues is a positive and boosts self-compassion for adults with ADHD.⁴

There are many opportunities within the ADHD community to get together with other adults with ADHD who “get it.” CHADD and ADDA host various national, regional, and local meetings and webinars. There are adult ADHD support group meetings, still predominantly virtual but in-person ADHD meetings and conferences are slowly resuming and are resources for connections.

Summary

In addition to finding supportive groups and connections, strategies listed here and others for coping with ADHD help adults with ADHD manifest their many strengths and positive qualities and be self-compassionate with imperfections along the way. These are among the characteristics that make adults with ADHD good and creative friends, partners, co-workers, and other bonds that are only enhanced by elementary awareness and understanding of the features of ADHD by others.