Supporting Siblings of a Neurodivergent Child

The other night, two of my daughters were arguing in public. They called my husband to referee, and he has yet to learn not to get involved. My middle daughter, let's call her T, was in complete meltdown mode, and her little sister, we'll call her P, was not in the mood to deal with it.

While these two are besties, this fight went on a little longer than usual, and P lamented how everyone always gives in to T and said “everyone loves her more.” Part of this is because P is a teenage drama queen and has attention-seeking behavior. However, another part was her expressing years of frustration at always playing second fiddle and tiptoeing around T, her neurodivergent sister, to help prevent her from having panic attacks and meltdowns. While being T's mother at times is exhausting, I never realized how challenging it is to be her sibling, and in this case, her little sister.

I always worried about our oldest daughter, A, the second parent in the home. Yes, I said second and not third! A took on a lot of responsibility. She was the one to navigate school and camp with T, holding her in her arms when she sobbed because she was scared when mommy was not around. Having a neurodivergent sister pushed A to become a special educator, and I could not be prouder.

In worrying about A and ensuring she had a childhood, I never considered P's perspective. As the youngest child, she followed T in school and teachers assumed she would have attention problems, learning issues, or behavioral challenges. Well, P had none. I felt guilt for P because she grew up in a problematic shadow, as T always demanded a lot of attention and help with homework. T required me to talk with teachers and school administrators. T needed me a lot. But what did T’s sisters need? And did I always give it to them? Did I even ask?

Rick Lavoie, a famous educator, says in his movie FAT City that being fair doesn't mean doing the same for every person. He likens it to performing CPR; you can't speak to someone lying on the ground. It’s true. I can't give chest compressions to all my children at once – I don’t have the bandwidth or time, especially when only one person needs CPR in that moment. The same is true for a parent or educator. It’s OK to give each child what they need as long as you can look at all your children and say, “I would do it for you if you needed it.” So yes, I have spent more hours with T on school work, shuffling to therapy, and speaking to teachers. Luckily, I didn't have to do it for the others. But I would because I love them all. I need to give each one of them what they need when they need it!

Does T know how to push my buttons? Of course. Does she know what I feel guilty about? Well, that's on me. I can't let her see my guilt. So, I need to give myself a break, and so do you. You don't have to feel guilty as long as you support and love each of your kids and give them the tools they need to build healthy relationships with one another.

As parents, we do our best. Is our best always good enough? Maybe, maybe not. But it's all we can do! We can certainly try to be wonderful parents to all of our children.

Here are five helpful reminders to support the siblings of a neurodivergent child:

1. Share age-appropriate information with your neurotypical child. It's important they understand a sibling's challenges, why they think differently, and how they can support one another.
2. Validate your child's feelings when they’re upset about something their neurodivergent sibling has done or how they are acting. Yes, sometimes, the public meltdowns are embarrassing. Acknowledge it. Let them feel that sharing their feelings with you is safe, and don't judge them.
3. Spend special time with each child. Every single one of your children is special. They should all have a special time with you.
4. Identify a sibling support group. Your children can share their feelings with other siblings, which might remove some of the resentment.
5. Encourage your children to do things together. Let them bond and remind them that they love each other.