Verified by 
Key points
- People-pleasers often find that their people-pleasing tendencies conflict with their parenting duties.
- Sometimes, to be a present parent, we need to say no to others' requests.
- Identifying triggers and setting boundaries can help parents let go of people-pleasing behaviors.
I was always a people-pleaser. If someone around me was upset, I would get anxious. I was so concerned about outside approval that I would set aside my own needs and desires. I found it almost impossible to say no when asked to do things.
When my oldest was born, I was still very much a people-pleaser but it became harder and harder to fill that role. I finally started to re-evaluate my priorities when I was asked to go on a work trip several months after my first was born. The trip was not necessary, but I knew my superior wanted me to go to showcase her work. Deep down, I knew that I wasn't ready to be away from my daughter for a week—but I also knew that traveling and working with a six-month-old was going to be difficult.
Still, I didn’t have it in me at the time to say no. So I brought my six-month-old and attended the conference. I was fortunate to have a family that could watch her during the day while I attended symposia—but there was no easy place to pump, and she was having trouble with bottle feeding.
The trip ended with me developing severe mastitis that sent me to the hospital—and for her, an ear infection. It was then that I realized that to be the present mother I wanted to be, I was going to have to leave the people-pleaser behind. This was not easy; for more than 30 years, I had been someone extremely concerned about others’ happiness and attitudes and fearful of upsetting others.
Why People-Pleasing and Parenting Don't Mix
In order to support our children, parents may, at times, not please others, and we have to be OK with that. For example, one’s child might need to go to sleep earlier than the extended family wants during a family gathering.
The research bears out that people-pleasing and parenting often don’t mix. People-pleasing is linked to less present and sensitive parenting. For example, it is related to inconsistent discipline and challenges navigating conflict, as well as difficulty enforcing boundaries. These are all skills we need to provide safe and secure environments for our children.
People-pleasing can also hinder one’s efforts to communicate honestly due to fear of disapproval by one’s child. Such inhibition may limit the amount of intimacy one has with one’s child, and their willingness to be open in their communication.
Further, people-pleasing is often associated with a lack of self-care. Research shows us the importance of self-care for parenting as consistently putting others' needs above our own can lead to difficulty maintaining a healthy emotional relationship due to resentment and burnout.
Additionally, people-pleasing is linked to parental anxiety based on not being able to always please others. Anxiety is, in turn, related to lower levels of parental responsivity and sensitivity.
How People-Pleasing Affects Children
Being a people-pleasing parent has also been linked to child outcomes. Not surprisingly, children whose parents are people-pleasers tend to develop those tendencies themselves as a result of a variety of factors—including pressure to behave in a specific way to please others.
Further, being raised by a people-pleasing parent is related to lower levels of emotional awareness and regulation. Children may be hindered in learning to handle their own emotions well if they must focus on meeting the needs and expectations of others consistently.
How Parents Can Be More Present
How can those of us with people-pleasing tendencies temper them to be more present parents?
First, one needs to let go of the notion that one can please everyone, including one’s children, at all times. Next, going back and identifying things that trigger one’s people-pleasing tendencies can help break the cycle; so can identifying negative thoughts and countering those thoughts with affirmations of one’s own self-worth.
Boundary setting can be one of the most difficult things to do as a people-pleaser, yet it is necessary. Setting those necessary boundaries means being able to say no when a request comes through that does not match one’s core values and/or for which one doesn't have time. Sometimes, setting boundaries is just a matter of being clear in one’s communication.
Just because people-pleasing and parenting don't mix is not to say the warm and empathetic tendencies of many people-pleasers are negative or that they don’t create nurturing environments. However, in the long run, the toll that people-pleasing takes—both on parents and on kids—can be too much.
Facebook image: Prostock-studio/Shutterstock
LinkedIn image: Hananeko_Studio/Shutterstock
References
Leith, R. M., & Baumeister, R. F. (1996). Why do bad guys have all the fun? Self-regulation and subverted altruism. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 22(7), 750-760.
Grotevant, H. T., & Cooper, C. R. (1996). Identity formation in adolescence: A dynamic systems approach. Human Development, 39(4), 269-286.
Gottman, J. M., & Gottman, J. (2001). The emotionally intelligent parent: How to raise a happy, healthy, and resilient child from birth to adulthood. Simon and Schuster.
