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For over two decades, I have been a happily sexually active woman. Whether in a committed or casual relationship, I lived a life full of consistent healthy sexual experiences.
Things are different now.
During the pandemic, I wasn’t in a relationship or dating and was more or less stuck at home alone. Weeks turned into months, which turned into years.
For the most part, humans are programmed to adjust to their environment, and I was forced to adapt with shelter in place, but when it was lifted, I expected myself to return to my former life and pick up where I had left off. That did not happen.
I didn’t realize at the time that the ramification of being isolated and void of human contact would have such profound consequences and carry over to gravely impact my sexuality today.
I didn’t realize I had been in a dry spell for the past couple of years until I found myself fast-forwarding through sex scenes on TV. Anytime there is a passionate make-out session or intimate sex exchange in a TV show or a movie, I immediately skip over it. It has caused me to think about this reaction, and my mental and emotional response seems drastic yet very telling.
Am I sexually frustrated, and seeing it on TV exacerbates it? Am I sadly nostalgic about my previous sexual life? Am I worried that I will never return to my previous self? It’s weird to feel the need to ignore any depictions of sexuality in entertainment. I can’t enjoy a Saturday night with a romantic comedy without feeling bad. How did I get here? More importantly, how do I get out?
I figured I would have to make an effort to try and meet someone; a few weeks ago, I decided to go on Bumble. I managed to be online for about a week, and after much swiping, I finally went on a date. Normally, he might be someone I would be interested in, but instead, I found myself sitting there wondering, "do I even remember how to kiss?" Or will this be, “Just like riding a bike?”
Either way, I have to face facts: I’ve become accustomed to a sexless life.
I want to think it’s only temporary, but I believe this visceral reaction signals that I need to make some changes. I can’t watch a mere intimate kiss between two actors. It’s not even real, and the thought of being in a real-life situation with a man is even harder to fathom. The thought of sharing my bed with a boyfriend seems foreign, and when I think about my past life of committed relationships, it’s as if I don’t know that person.
That person is gone.
I went through many changes during the pandemic and walked out with some side effects I didn’t see coming. Maybe once I enter a relationship, I’ll be able to stream a series on Hulu from beginning to end.
I’m not fearful of what’s to come. If anything, I am worried about where things stand today. I do know without putting myself out there and making an effort with pragmatic adjustments. I might end up alone. And, just because I’ve become accustomed to it doesn’t make it okay.
Giddy-up.
