Ageism and Sex Among Older Adults

We face many "isms" in society. Sexism and racism, to name a couple, have been omnipresent throughout the ages. Culture, politics, and economics influence the waxing and waning realities of the time and what aspects of the particular ism are trending. Many groups are left vulnerable. Social media reinforces false beliefs; opinions become influenced by prevailing mindsets. Discriminatory and otherwise extreme thinking understandably frightens people, and is often employed to drum up support for political agendas. False associations and facts unsubstantiated by research, dogma, and dictates are increasingly common on social and even mainstream media; lies prevail.

Ageism is currently in the spotlight. It has been a constant throughout generations and may be the last of the isms to be eradicated or softened.

We live in an extraordinary time when we have permission to denounce, exploit, rationalize, and harm through words and deeds. Commentary abounds that older age indicates dementia or a lack of stamina to fulfill important leadership roles. More often, such assertions are rationalizations used to justify discriminatory behavior. 'Truth' is shaped by representing the beliefs of only a certain slice of a population as if they encompassed everyone.

Acceptance that beneath all isms is fear—fear of what will be taken and rage at what has been taken or perceived to have been taken—can help us understand its motivation and perhaps influence change.

Ageism is tied to one factor that other isms do not share: there is no escaping death. Many people fear death, and seeing an older person stirs up the inescapable. In this sense, denouncements of older adults can be seen as efforts to avoid death's inevitable outcome.

Like its ism counterparts, ageism is the outcome of a response to fear, so one convenient defensive psychological maneuver is to revile getting or being old. Sometimes, we camouflage our feelings of threat by trying to eradicate them, for instance, by proclaiming thoughts such as, "Older adults are senile" or "They have poor memory and are no longer equipped for meaningful work." This mindset is one way for people to stave off the realities of their own aging by not embracing how the passage of time affects us all. A more analytical interpretation would be that competition is eliminated or reduced if older adults (those seasoned experts, scholars, and leaders) are shamed and ostracized; extraordinary minds become irrelevant.

It's true that there are those for whom aging takes its toll. Illness related to memory, like dementia and Alzheimers, increased medical conditions, lack of mobility, lack of stamina, increased mental health conditions like depression and anxiety, and loss or lack of sexual interest are all realities and possibilities for some, or perhaps even many, but not for all.

Take ageism one step further, to include the combination of age and sexual behavior; fantasies, fears, imagination, shaming, and criticism abound.

Facts and misconceptions about aging and sex

• A U.S. study reported that of sexually active people aged 75-85, 54 percent reported having sex one or more times per week.
• A poll by the American Association of Retired Persons (AARP) reported that of people aged 65-80, two-thirds indicated being interested in sex, and more than half said sex was essential to their quality of life.
• A 2012 study in England reported that 50 percent of men and 34 percent of women aged 70-79 and 31 percent of men and 14 percent of women aged 80 and older were sexually active.

Psychological misconceptions about sex and aging

Sexual exploration and greater satisfaction are possible throughout the life cycle, no matter how old. Sex only gets stale when couples, especially older couples, allow it to. Relationships get tiring when patterns are so entrenched and routine that boredom sets in. Sexual communication is no different than relational communication; it takes work, but it is worth the layers and levels of intimacy that become possible over time.

Sexual activity can last a lifetime, even as we age. Hormones and non-hormonal treatments, including creams, suppositories, mechanical and surgical enhancements, and pharmaceuticals, make sex possible at all stages of life. Believing that sex is no longer possible after menopause or after peak age in men are myths in cultures where ageism prevails.

Why do we viscerally cringe when imagining older adults having sex? Many people are comfortable with all kinds of sexual fantasies, related porn, and sexual acts, but ask people of all sexual orientations to imagine older people having sex, and any erotic imagery disappears.

What lies beneath ageism and sex

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"No one is really opposed to old people having sex. We're all for it in theory; we just don't want to look at it. Perhaps it evokes the primal scene unbearably," wrote psychologist Deborah Luepnitz.

Older people having sex is as much about eros (love) as it is about death. Perhaps a blending of life and death among older people engaging in sex contributes to the fear and the resultant defense reaction manifesting as disdain for aged flesh. Freud compels us to consider the repulsion we feel as adults toward aging flesh as guilt for longing for physical closeness with our primary caregivers when we are children. Children are not typically repulsed by their grandparents' bodies in the least. Guilt and desire, according to Freud, are transformed into repulsion as adults.

Sexual intimacy at any age requires transcendence and the capacity to simultaneously abandon oneself (le petit morte) through orgasm and unite with another through love and lust. In these moments, body parts, size, shape, texture, and the appearance of skin and age are no longer relevant.

"…[T]he kind of loving to which we usually aspire requires that we orient ourselves to the actual self of the other as best we can," wrote psychologist Martin Frommer. At any age, we long to feel safe, "recognized, understood, and affirmed for who we are."

Relationships provide these needs through connection. Lust, a seeming contradiction to romantic love, involves longing and ecstasy. Fantasies influenced by our internal states shape lust: what we see, what we hear, and taste from pictures, words, thoughts, people, and relationships. Lust for another is also a projection, a longing for our best and whole selves.

As populations worldwide age, many Western countries are welcoming back into the full-time workforce those older than 65. Maybe it is time to challenge preconceived notions about who is and who is not suitable and capable of working. Even with the potential for increased longevity, humans live a relatively short period. We all have contributions to make, relationships to build even in later years, new careers, and opportunities for change.

Laughter, joy, fulfillment, and great sex until we die sounds like a great life plan.