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Some people, men and women, are born with the knack. I have seen babies flirting when they initiate peek-a-boo. Many other people have no idea what it means to flirt and insist they don’t know how. Some don’t see the value of it.
One of the best flirts I ever knew was a transwoman with large green eyes. I’ve often wondered if she was half as effective a flirt when she was a man or if she was liberated to flirt when she became a woman. Perhaps it was those large green eyes. She is no longer with us so I will never have the chance to ask. Let’s see if I can describe how she flirted (since there are many individual styles and this is classic).
She would fix her gaze upon a person. When that person noticed he or she was being stared at they would look back and those large green eyes would immediately lower. Just when that person looked away, perhaps feeling mistaken they were being stared at, there would be a brief meeting of eyes and a half smile, catching their attention once more. It’s the uncertainty that made it so effective. Is that person flirting with me?
In the days when women carried fans, it was easier to wonder, “Is she looking at me or is she not?” Peering over the top of the fan and then hiding behind it offered the same intriguing uncertainty principle that my green-eyed friend used.
Another style of flirting, which I have seen people of all ages from babies to oldsters use, is an open friendly smile aimed at a stranger. When a baby smiles at you, usually simultaneously drooling, how can anyone resist? When a stranger gives you an open, friendly smile some people look away and wonder, “Do I know that person?” Others, less suspicious, will simply smile back—human to human. Is that flirting? It certainly can be.
Let’s say you meet a stranger at a party or a museum. You make some easy comments about the host or the art. He or she answers. Then you wander away. “What? Did that person want to chat? I will have to explore.” That’s flirting too. The uncertainty again.
The dictionary defines flirting as behaving as attracted to or trying to attract someone but for amusement rather than serious attention.
But what’s the purpose of flirting? Isn’t it bad to be a flirt? If it’s fun for you to be thought of as momentarily a possible attractive object of someone’s attention or to give someone else that flash of pleasure (“Does that person find me attractive?”) there’s your answer. There is no commitment involved, no cheating when you are in a monogamous relationship. Flirting is usually simply a moment of playful theater.
If this does not come naturally to you, for practice, I suggest you try the method that appeals and suits you best and see what happens. You don’t have to wait for a party or a museum outing. Riding on a bus will do. Look at, half smile, look away, or try a large friendly smile. Did you get the type of result you wanted? Congratulations. You are a flirt!
