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Relationships
What's Wrong With Believing in "Love Languages"
People capable of giving and receiving love are fluent in the five and many others.
Posted January 31, 2024 Reviewed by Tyler Woods
Key points
- Find partners who are capable of giving and receiving love.
- When we no longer feel love for another, it may be time to leave a relationship.
- People who receive expressions of love in any form feel more relationship satisfaction.
I’ve always winced internally when a couple in my office referenced their “love languages.” So, it was with more than a smidgen of pleasure that I read an article in the Washington Post that explained why scientists are skeptical of the theory.
How could it be a sham? So many people helped! So many books sold! It must be real, right? Nope.
If you’re unfamiliar with Baptist pastor Gary Chapman’s book, The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts, here’s a breakdown:
- There are five distinct love languages: physical touch, words of affirmation, gift-giving, acts of service, and quality time.
- Each of us has one primary love language and perhaps a secondary one.
- Learning to be fluent in your partner’s language is critical to your marital happiness.
None of this is helpful.
People who are capable of giving and receiving love are fluent in all five languages as well as the gazillion other ways people can express love, such as quiet support, treating one another respectfully, standing up for one another, and even flirting without touching. The problem with the idea of the five love languages is that they are conceptually as vague and broad as advice like “Try to be nice.”
Another problem with the five love languages is that all of us can imagine meeting someone, falling in love, and then (hurray!) finding out that we both speak fluent “acts of service.” But research cited by the Post indicated that people who receive “expressions of love in any form” feel more relationship satisfaction.
Here’s why that works: When people who are capable of giving and receiving love are treated in a loving manner by someone who loves them, they feel—get this—loved! Most of us can imagine the corollary: Being treated in an unloving manner by someone who doesn’t love us results in our feeling—get this—unloved. But what about someone who is treating us in a loving manner, at least sometimes, but doesn’t really love us? Haven’t we all been in a manipulative relationship where he or she says, “Oh baby, you know I love you,” but we know that the remark is said only to get something.
Check in With Yourself
Some of us are easily self-deceived, especially when we’re vulnerable. This often happens after a breakup or divorce when we’re lonely and needy. It may not be the case that someone is taking advantage of us. Perhaps they, too, are lonely and needy and want someone so desperately that they deceive themselves—just like we did. And there we are, years deep in a relationship that is profoundly unsatisfying. In the therapist’s office, this situation plays out something like this:
Q: Do you believe your partner really loves you?
A: Oh yes.
Q: How long has it been since you really felt loved?
A: [long silence, followed by tears]
Whether you’re committed or not, you can slow down and take stock of your overall relationship by asking the following questions:
- “If someone else treated me this way, would I tolerate this?”
- “Do I enjoy the relationship?”
- “Am I happy?”
- “Do I feel loved?”
- “Is this how I want to spend my life, in this relationship, feeling the way I do?”
By answering these questions, you look inside yourself for what you feel, rather than evaluating the other person for what you think they feel.
The Harsh Truth
This brings us to a harsh truth, which is that, sometimes, it’s us; sometimes someone loves us but we aren’t feeling it. That’s okay! Not only is it impossible for me to control someone else’s feelings, I can’t control my own. I love who I love, and I don’t love who I don’t love.
In the end, we don’t have to learn the five love languages to have a great relationship or figure out what’s wrong. We know, as long as we are being humbly and painfully honest with ourselves, when we feel loved and when we do not. We also know when we no longer feel love for another, and when it may be time to leave a relationship. The standard in any successful relationship is that both partners are equally capable of giving and receiving love in not just five but all of the gazillion ways possible.
Facebook image: B-D-S Piotr Marcinski/Shutterstock
