Creating Peace Through Mindful Relational Competence

Recently there’s been a little buzz about weaponized incompetence. Weaponized incompetence occurs when you find yourself “pretending to be incapable or insufficient at some task so that someone else will do it for you,” according to Carrie Krawiec, LMFT.ⁱ This behavior takes a toll on any relationship. Let’s examine this weaponized or strategic incompetence and other types of incompetence or competence and see where mindfulness may interrupt this relationship-choking behavior.

What is competence?

Competence is the ability to decide, act, and learn in a given context.ⁱⁱ Sounds straightforward, but it can be a little nuanced. Here are a few of the levels of in/competence we may experience:

• Unconscious incompetence means I don’t know what I don’t know or am unaware of my lack of knowledge.
• Conscious incompetence means I know that there is something I don’t know. I may be curious about what I don’t know.
• Conscious competence means I know what I know. Here is where I feel a little confident in my knowledge. I have some understanding, and it is empowering.
• Unconscious competence means I don’t know what I know because what I know is more instinctual. This level of knowledge comes when I don’t even need to think about skills or processes which are habituated. I may even forget how I learned what I know. It is just part of who I have become.

Competence and Incompetence in Romantic Relationships

In a romantic relationship, we can be at any of these levels of understanding. If, however, we strategically avoid responsibility, we may weaponize incompetence. Have you ever acted like you didn’t hear the kids yelling for help so that your partner would solve the problem? Have you ever ignored the clogged sink so that you didn’t have to be the one to unclog it?

If this tactic has crept into your relationship, mindfulness may help. Mindfulness is as simple as slowing down your breathing and relaxing your thoughts to try to stay in the moment. Mindfulness is not a passive attitude of acceptance of poor behavior from ourselves or our partners. Nor is it acquiescence to unreasonable expectations. Instead, mindfulness challenges thoughts and behaviors, interactions, and motivations. Mindful people create a balanced response to their beloved. Mindful partners become aware of detail, emotion, and behavior that previously escaped their notice and can thereby raise questions to their partner about behavior and motivations.

Encouraging Mindfulness to Encourage Competence

It’s hard to help someone unaware of their incompetence (mindlessness). But encouraging mindfulness–like paying attention to the present moment- begins the process of noticing the previously invisible emotions, motives, and nuance.

If I am aware that I lack some skill or wisdom, here is where mindfulness may have a strong impact on my life. I know I am missing something and want to become more aware. I may feel motivated to learn how to be more aware and still.

Mindfully Skilled Responses

If you or your partner has ever pretended to be incompetent to avoid responsibility, here are a few mindful tips :

1. Mindfulness encourages perseverance. Mindfulness promotes metacognitive awareness, decreases rumination,ⁱⁱⁱ and increases attention.^iv I incapacitate others when I do the work they could and should do. Don’t rescue others in situations that they can work out of themselves.
2. Mindfulness encourages collaboration. We can see others’ perspectives and use more empathy when we slow down.^v,vi Work together to confront the problem, not the person. Remember, you might be making unwarranted assumptions. Your partner may be unconsciously incompetent, and accusing them of intentional or strategic incompetence would be hurtful and not resolve the confusion.
3. Mindfulness allows us to accept differences. Mindful people are able to allow for different learning and communication styles.^_vii For example, I send my spouse to the grocery store for a list of items:

1. Milk
2. Cookies
3. Bread
4. Baking soda

I might think they have been strategically incompetent when they come home with one gallon of milk, two bags of cookies, three loaves of bread, and four boxes of baking soda. However, my partner may be a literal or linear thinker. Slowing down and seeing each other's perspective is one way being mindful helps relationships.^viii

1. Mindfulness helps me praise efforts and avoid blame. It takes a little awareness to notice when my partner makes an effort to share in the responsibilities of the relationship. Praising these efforts will go a long way in changing behavior. Recent research indicated that repeated compliments do not lose value.^ix In fact, we likely underestimate the value of repeated compliments. Mindfully notice all the good you can and openly praise those efforts.

If you question whether your partner is trying to bamboozle you by pretending not to know how to do something, ask, don’t blame. Maybe there is a legitimate misunderstanding. Slow the process down by using mindfulness to see your partner’s perspective and to be firm about what you want and do not want without coloring your comments with biased thoughts and feelings. Mindfulness will help you and your partner move from unconscious incompetence to conscious competence.