3 Ways a Narcissist Will Show Their "Love" to You

Henri Meilhac / Unsplash

If you’ve ever been in a relationship with a person driven by a sense of self-importance, a constant craving for admiration, and a tendency to prioritize their own desires over the needs of others, you were possibly in the company of a narcissist.

People with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) often engage in self-enhancement behaviors, seeking validation and admiration from their partners while displaying a lack of empathy. In doing so, they may treat their partners more as objects rather than equals.

Exploring the complexities of how a narcissist interacts with their partner can offer insight into the dynamic interplay between ego, validation, and emotional connection that unfolds in such a relationship.

How Does It Feel to Be a Narcissist’s Object of Love?

The narratives of being a narcissist’s love interest are rife with highly evocative and polarizing descriptors. The confusing see-saw of receiving love from an individual driven primarily by self-service can warp one’s view of what love is supposed to look and feel like.

There are, however, three common elements in most stories:

1. You Love Them; They Love Themselves

The initial phases of a relationship with a narcissist often evoke intense euphoria. Their charm, charisma, and seemingly genuine affection create a captivating whirlwind of passion and excitement. However, beneath this euphoria lies a fragile foundation, as the narcissist’s love is inherently self-serving. The narcissist perceives their partner as a means to fulfill their need for validation and bolster their brittle ego. Despite outward displays of affection, the relationship is fundamentally one-sided, with the narcissist prioritizing their own needs and desires.

Research confirms the notion that narcissists prioritize their sense of superiority over others, particularly marked by high concern regarding others’ reactions and a tenuous sense of existence. This stark contrast between the illusion of love created in the relationship and the reality of exploitation sets the stage for the tumultuous journey ahead.

2. Their Feelings Flip at the Drop of a Dime

As the relationship progresses, the emotional roller coaster intensifies, engulfing the narcissist’s partner in a vortex of uncertainty and instability. Recent research, spanning seven studies with a total of 3,560 participants, highlights that the short-term allure of narcissism is predominantly associated with admiration, while long-term relationship challenges stem from rivalry, marked by derogation of others and antagonistic self-protection.

The highs of being adored and cherished are quickly followed by the crushing lows of being discarded or devalued. This relentless cycle of idealization and devaluation corrodes the object’s self-worth and security, leaving them perpetually on edge, anticipating the next abrupt shift in the narcissist’s affections. The emotional toll is profound, leaving the object feeling lost, vulnerable, and emotionally drained, trapped in a perpetual state of turmoil and anxiety.

3. It’s All Smoke and Mirrors

Gaslighting and manipulation are covert tactics employed by narcissists to assert dominance over their partners. Through subtle psychological manipulation, they distort reality, sowing seeds of doubt and confusion. Gaslighting techniques may involve downplaying their partner’s concerns, distorting past events, or outright lying to shape the narrative in their favor.

A study published in The Journal of Sexual Aggression reveals that gaslighters often exhibit common personality traits such as emotional unavailability, withdrawal, irresponsibility, impulsiveness, distractibility, and a lack of self-awareness.

Over time, the victim of the narcissist’s affection may internalize these manipulative strategies, doubting their sanity and perception. This erosion of self-trust leads to a deep loss of self-esteem and self-worth as the victim becomes increasingly reliant on the narcissist for validation and guidance. Once entangled in the manipulative web, breaking free from the narcissist’s grip becomes challenging.

What Steps Can You Take When Their Facade Begins to Crack?

The narcissist’s greatest weapon is also their greatest weakness—the inability to look beyond themselves. Here’s how you can take advantage of this blind spot and beat them at their own game:

1. Gray rock them out of your life. The gray rock method is a strategy for dealing with narcissists by becoming emotionally unresponsive. Essentially, to disengage from manipulative or abusive conversations, responses should be intentionally uninteresting. This involves techniques such as minimizing emotional reactions, avoiding arguments, and keeping interactions brief and neutral. By doing so, individuals can deny the manipulator the emotional reaction or attention they seek, disempowering their tactics and protecting themselves from harm in the process.
2. Poke holes in their stories. In the case of gaslighting, researcher Willis Klein from McGill University suggests paying close attention to their behavior. Despite a gaslighter’s convincing facade, they often reveal inconsistencies. “Compare their behavior towards you with how they treat others in your life. Hold them accountable for their narrative. You’ll likely notice discrepancies that will empower you to reclaim control over your own narrative,” says the author.

Relationships Essential Reads

Why Are Friends With Benefits on the Rise?

5 Ways to Quit the Habit of "Kitchen Sinking" Your Partner

Beyond exiting the toxic relationship, genuine healing requires actively rebuilding self-worth and self-esteem. This involves introspection, self-reflection, and nurturing self-compassion. Establishing healthy boundaries and prioritizing personal well-being is paramount. Additionally, therapy can offer a valuable avenue to process difficult experiences, address trauma, and develop coping strategies to enhance resilience.

A version of this post also appears on Forbes.com.