How to Stop Yourself From Self-Sabotaging

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Self-sabotage, the bane of personal progress, often manifests in subtle yet impactful ways. It is the voice in our heads that whispers doubt, fear and criticism at the most inconvenient times—hindering our path to success.

While traditionally viewed as a conscious act (or inaction), psychologist Shirzad Chamine challenges this notion, suggesting that self-sabotage runs deeper, lurking within our psyche. Through his theory of positive intelligence, Chamine outlines the complexities of self-sabotage while providing a pathway to liberation.

By understanding the neuropsychological underpinnings of our “inner saboteurs” and channeling the wisdom we hold within ourselves, we can transcend our self-imposed limitations and unlock our full potential.

1. Understand The Science Of Self-Sabotage

Chamine’s research outlines how, within the intricate circuitry of our brains, there are distinct regions that govern our responses to life’s challenges:

• The surviving region, situated in the brainstem, limbic system and left hemisphere, houses our inner saboteurs—the relentless voices that generate negative emotions in the face of adversity. According to Chamine, “These negative emotions are only helpful for a second as they alert you to dangers or issues. However, staying in these emotions hurts your ability to see clearly and choose the most impactful response.” With these emotions, our saboteurs perpetuate a cycle of self-doubt and anxiety, hindering our ability to thrive.
• Conversely, the thriving region, nestled in the middle of the prefrontal cortex and the “empathy circuit” of the brain, is home to our inner voice of wisdom and clarity. Chamine highlights that this region, contrastingly, generates positive emotions in the face of adversity, such as compassion, gratitude, curiosity, joy and focus.

2. Identifying Your Inner Saboteurs

At the core of Chamine’s theory are the inner saboteurs, universal archetypes that live within our surviving regions. Chief among the saboteurs is “the judge”—our relentless, critical inner voice that berates us for our failures and magnifies our anxieties. The judge is aided and abetted by our “accomplice saboteurs,” which differ for each person, in order to perpetuate varying cycles of self-sabotage:

1. Stickler. Overemphasizes perfectionism, leading to anxiety and dissatisfaction. Sets impossibly high standards and criticizes any perceived failure to meet them.
2. Hyper-vigilant. Constantly on edge, anticipating and fearing potential dangers. Manifests as intense anxiety and an inability to relax or trust in the present moment.
3. Hyper-achiever. Addicted to validation through constant performance and achievement. Discounts past accomplishments and constantly seeks new accolades, leading to burnout and dissatisfaction.
4. Pleaser. Seeks acceptance and validation through helping, pleasing or rescuing others. Leads to neglecting one’s own needs and harboring resentment towards those who don’t reciprocate.
5. Victim. Thrives on self-pity and emotional turmoil, seeking attention and sympathy from others. Fixates on internal feelings of pain and suffering, perpetuating a sense of helplessness and martyrdom.
6. Hyper-rational. Relies excessively on logic and reason, often at the expense of emotions and relationships. Comes across as cold or detached, hindering genuine connections with others.
7. Control. Seeks to exert control over situations and people out of fear and anxiety. Manifests as micromanaging behavior and an inability to delegate or trust others, leading to stress and frustration.
8. Restless. Constantly seeking excitement and stimulation, unable to find contentment in the present moment. Leads to impulsivity and an inability to focus on long-term goals.
9. Avoider. Seeks to avoid discomfort and conflict at all costs, often by focusing positives and ignoring underlying issues. Leads to procrastination and an inability to confront difficult situations.

Each accomplice saboteur brings its own set of challenges. Chamine highlights how the judge and its accomplices operate under the guise of self-preservation, convincing us that their critical voices are necessary for our growth and success. However, their grip on our psyche only serves to perpetuate negativity and gatekeep our own progress.

3. Channel Your Sage

Counterbalancing the inner saboteurs is “the sage”–a source of wisdom and resilience that resides within each of us. According to Chamine, by cultivating the five primary powers of the sage, we can silence our inner saboteurs and reclaim agency over our lives:

1. Empathy. The ability to understand and share the feelings of others replenishes our emotional reserves and cultivates connection. By extending empathy to ourselves, we promote self-compassion and resilience in the face of adversity.
2. Exploration. Approaching challenges with curiosity and open-mindedness allows us to broaden our perspectives and uncover new solutions. The power of exploration encourages us to embrace uncertainty and engage with life’s complexities with a sense of wonder and possibility.
3. Innovation. Creativity flourishes when we dare to think outside the box and challenge conventional wisdom. The power of innovation empowers us to generate novel solutions to problems, harnessing the full extent of our imagination and ingenuity.
4. Navigation. Aligning our actions with our values and purpose allows us to chart a course that is true to ourselves. By tapping into our inner compass, we can navigate challenges with clarity and conviction, guided by a sense of purpose and authenticity.
5. Activation. Action rooted in wisdom and clarity propels us forward with purpose and intention. The power of activation enables us to overcome inertia and procrastination, taking decisive steps towards our goals with unwavering focus and determination.

Trusting our inner sage empowers us to silence our saboteurs and reclaim control over our thoughts and emotions. While these saboteurs may claim to drive us towards improvement, their relentless criticism ultimately stifles our growth and happiness. By nurturing our inner sage, we transcend our saboteurs and set a path of clarity and resilience. As we navigate challenges with wisdom and positivity, we become architects of our own destiny.

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Encountering the right individual at an inopportune moment is a challenging predicament. It’s a situation where all the ingredients for a fulfilling relationship are present, yet external or internal forces prevent it from blossoming. Despite the apparent compatibility and alignment of values, it feels as though the universe is conspiring to keep you apart. This experience can be a source of intense frustration and heartbreak, and the task of processing it and moving forward is not an easy one.

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There is no universal advice that can immediately alleviate the distress of this situation. The best course of action is to grant yourself the space to navigate your emotions and find the right path forward for you. Recognizing that it’s the right person but the wrong time can bring comfort and clarity. It helps maintain perspective and avoids undue pressure on the relationship. It allows you to approach the situation with a level of acceptance and patience, knowing that the timing may eventually align in the future.

Here are three signs you’ve met the right person at the wrong time and how to make it work despite the challenges.

1. You’re Miles Apart

Distance can be a significant barrier to a relationship, no matter how compatible you are with someone. While long-distance relationships can work, they require a significant amount of effort, communication and commitment from both parties. If you live in separate cities, states or time zones, it can be challenging to maintain regular face-to-face interaction, which is crucial for building and sustaining a healthy relationship.

Additionally, the logistical challenges of a long-distance relationship can be overwhelming. Factors such as travel costs, time zone differences and conflicting schedules can make it difficult to spend quality time together. This can lead to feelings of frustration and loneliness, ultimately impacting the relationship’s dynamics.

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A study published in Marriage and Family Review recommends engaging in positive relationship maintenance behaviors to make a long distance relationship work. In the context of long-distance relationships, relationship maintenance behaviors are actions or strategies that partners use to keep their relationship strong and connected despite the physical distance. These behaviors can include regular communication and catching up over video calls, setting aside time for virtual dates, sending thoughtful messages or gifts and planning future visits.

2. External Forces Pose A Barrier

External pressures can hinder the private experiences of love and relationships, as revealed by research. For instance, your family may prioritize specific life decisions, such as completing your education or establishing your career, before committing to a serious relationship. This can create a dilemma between your romantic desires and personal responsibilities.

Similarly, societal norms and expectations can play a significant role in shaping your decisions. There might be a prevailing belief that individuals should achieve certain milestones, such as marriage or homeownership, by a certain age. This can create pressure to conform to these expectations, even if it means sacrificing a potentially fulfilling relationship.

Navigating external pressures requires a delicate balance between honoring your personal values and respecting the expectations of your family, society or culture. It’s essential to communicate openly with your partner about these challenges and work together to find a solution that aligns with both of your needs and aspirations. It’s also important to understand that external pressures can change over time. As you and your partner grow and evolve, the expectations of your family, society or culture may shift as well. Remain flexible and open-minded to continue the effort of braving through external storms together.

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3. You’re Not Relationship-Ready

Even if someone seems like a great match, you might not feel emotionally ready to commit to a relationship at this point in your life. This could be due to unresolved issues or trauma from your past or simply because you’re still healing from a previous breakup. It’s important that you give yourself enough time to heal before venturing into a new relationship.

Rushing into a relationship when you’re not ready can lead to fragile bonds and complications. Being emotionally unavailable can impact the dynamics of the relationship, leading to frustration and tension between you and your partner, ultimately hindering the relationship’s growth and potential. A study on divorced couples in Britain indicates that the majority of emotional recovery occurs within the initial year following the separation.

So it’s important that you take your time to heal and work through any unresolved issues before entering into a new relationship. Engage in self-reflection and practice self-care and don’t shy away from seeking therapy if the need arises.

This article was also published via Forbes.