Verified by 
Narcissism
3 Common Long-Term Effects of Narcissistic Parenting
2. Extreme self-criticism.
Updated April 5, 2024 Reviewed by Davia Sills
Key points
- Sometimes, current romantic failures can reflect a person's relationship with a narcissistic parent.
- People who grew up with a narcissistic parent may struggle with boundaries and people-pleasing tendencies.
- They may also be highly self-critical, have trouble with commitment, and fear being abandoned.
“It is not possible for me to have a relationship with ‘normal’ people because my brain is hardwired by two narcissistic parents. I cannot relate to anyone normal and will always attract more narcissists, borderlines, and sociopaths,” writes a Reddit user.
It can be disheartening to realize that your relationship failures may not solely be your fault but rather a distressing reflection of your upbringing by one or both parents exhibiting narcissistic tendencies.
The emotional damage of a narcissistic upbringing to a child’s psyche can take a lifetime to heal if it ever does. It can lead to low self-worth, dysfunctional attachment styles, and emotional instability and can produce the next generation of narcissists.
A 2023 study published in the journal Social Sciences investigated the impact of perceived narcissistic parenting on romantic life in a Reddit community, focusing on the difficulties experienced by users in their relationships. Here are three ways narcissistic traits in parents can damage the next generation.
1. Lack of Boundaries and People Pleasing
When children have narcissistic parents, they often struggle later with setting boundaries in their relationships with others. Narcissistic parents tend to be overly intrusive and rely on their children for validation.
Narcissistic parents often view their children as extensions of themselves, failing to recognize their autonomy. This can lead children to believe they are responsible for their parent’s happiness and, later, their partners’ happiness.
Consequently, they may feel compelled to take on blame for everything that goes wrong, mirroring the behavior they are accustomed to.
As a result, they may go to great lengths to please their partners to seek validation, as shared by this Reddit user: “My childhood relationship with a narcissistic mother means that I do not understand the importance of people respecting my boundaries. I always thought I had to put other people first. In previous serious relationships, people constantly disrespected my boundaries, and I let them do it. I prioritized their feelings, wants, and interests over mine. I allowed myself to feel responsible for their happiness. It was draining.”
2. Low Self-Esteem and Extreme Self-Criticism
Growing up with narcissistic parents can have a profound impact on children, leading to overwhelming feelings of guilt, shame, and emotional distress. These feelings can later manifest in their romantic relationships.
For example, narcissistic parents may excessively boast about their children’s accomplishments to validate themselves, showing little interest in their children otherwise. Consequently, the child internalizes the belief that they need to constantly achieve to be noticed or valued, leading to a relentless pursuit of perfection and an “It’s never enough” mindset.
This upbringing can cause the child to develop feelings of inadequacy and form a negative self-image, resulting in low self-esteem and difficulties in forming healthy adult relationships. These challenges can also make it difficult for them to feel comfortable and secure as partners. They might constantly apologize for the smallest of mistakes and be overly self-critical.
“Growing up with a narcissistic mother, I became this needy, anxious, apologetic mess. He (her partner) helped me see that it is not my fault and that it’s OK to be myself,” explains a Reddit user.
3. Commitment Issues and Fear of Abandonment
A narcissistic upbringing can deeply instill a fear of abandonment in children.
For instance, here’s what one individual shared: “Mother always made a point of how I needed her much more than she needed me. I think this is the reason why I’m so distant now with romantic partners. I go into relationships assuming that the other person will eventually find faults with me and abandon me.”
This can lead to the development of intense commitment issues, trust issues, or codependent behaviors, resulting in ambivalence in their adult relationship.
“I never stay single for long. I’m either cold or distant or dedicated to a sometimes unhealthy degree. I realize this is me trying to replicate the love I was anxious to receive from my parents,” shares another.
As a result of inconsistent attention and affection typical of narcissistic parenting, individuals may either display excessive involvement with no boundaries, idealize their partners, or completely shut them out with an “I should leave them before they leave me” mindset.
Another person’s experience exemplifies this struggle: “I was head-over-heels planning our future, and it felt like we have known each other all of our lives. After we both confessed love, I just freaked. I just completely fell out of love in a matter of days.”
Rediscovering Self Through Support and Healing
Recognizing that your upbringing is not your fault can be pivotal to self-awareness and healing your inner child, leading to healthier and more fulfilling relationships. Nurturing your relationship with yourself also fosters healthier connections with others, including your partner. The study emphasized that Reddit users found healing through:
1. Support. Users found emotional support and a sense of community on Reddit, where they didn’t feel alone. Additionally, having a supportive partner helped them recognize their self-worth and feel deserving of love.
2. Self-acceptance. Many reported liberating themselves from the influence of their parents by accepting themselves for who they are and recognizing that their parents don’t define their identity. They highlighted the importance of self-discovery.
3. Therapy. Several individuals expressed the significant role of therapy in commencing their journey of self-discovery and healing their childhood wounds one step at a time.
Ultimately, people have the right to regain authority and agency in their lives and redefine their freedom and individuality, as well as the power to shape their own lives, regardless of external influences.
This article also appears on Forbes.com.
To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
Facebook image: Beboopai/Shutterstock
