Girls Will Be Women, Boys Will Be Men

Molding children into responsible, productive, resilient adults is a primary objective of parenting.

Everything a parent does can be guided by that goal. Parental efforts can be evaluated by asking, “Is what I am doing contributing to my child’s developmental maturity?” If not, change may be in order.

Unfortunately, such understanding and awareness are lacking in many of today’s moms and dads—sports parents included.

They coddle their young athletes.

A few examples

Youth athletes aged, 8-17, were signing-in for a travel sports tryout. Kids were asked just one question at the registration table: “What’s your name?” Incredibly, many of the parents accompanying their young athletes answered for their child. More disturbing, the kids appeared perfectly fine with their parents answering for them.

So, these children don’t know their own names? Perhaps the question was beyond their comprehension. Maybe the ladies at the registration desk represented a threat to child safety. You know—stranger danger.

Such parental micromanaging is commonplace, the youth sports realm included.

I do individual baseball instruction with youth. When attempting to schedule instructional sessions directly with the athlete, many of the parents intervene to do the scheduling as their child passively stands by. A few parents protest when I insist their child do the scheduling. These parents often argue that their child doesn’t know how to schedule.

Two such incidents occurred with 15- and 16-years-old boys. I asked each dad—as politely as could be mustered—how their son was going to learn to schedule if never allowed. They were reminded that in a few years their son would be at college and should learn to handle such matters on their own. Both boys—standing behind their dad—smiled approvingly. Both dads reluctantly relented.

Gratitude was expressed by both boys when out of father's earshot. Encouraging their growth, I suggested they speak-up for themselves the next time.

More examples

Treating a 17-year-old boy to a fast-food lunch as a reward for his academic improvement, he was noticeably anxious as we waited in line. When asked why, he sheepishly replied, “I’ve never done this before.” When asked to clarify, he replied that he had never ordered at a restaurant before because his parents had always done it for him.

Stunned, I stared blankly at him before collecting myself and explaining how to order at a restaurant.

As he studied the wall menu, I disappeared to allow him to handle this daunting challenge himself.

Looking back for me when it was time to order, he was visibly shaken to find me gone. He stumbled through the ordering and payment process, picked up his food, and triumphantly strutted to a table.

Rejoining him—explaining I had left to wash my hands—he chortled with pride over his accomplishment. Instead of doing it for him, he was allowed to struggle and grow. Learning, maturation, pride, and confidence replaced self-doubt and anxiety.

Such parental coddling in youth sports is plentiful.

Coaches grilled by dads about why their frustrated daughter isn’t getting more playing time, instead of allowing and teaching the child to speak to the coach by themself. Moms calling, emailing, or texting coach for practice times instead of having their son do it. Parents driving home—time, after time, after time—to retrieve a piece of equipment or uniform their budding LeBron James forgot, instead of letting the child suffer for a day and learn a lesson for a lifetime.

What the research says

Stories are entertaining and—hopefully—instructive. But what does research have to say?

Plenty.

Multiple studies show today’s young people lagging in emotional maturity when compared with previous generations. Several longitudinal studies found that today’s 18-year-olds are at a maturational level of 15-year-olds from the early 1970s (Twenge, 2017). According to those studies, today’s 15-year-olds compare with 13-year-olds from the early '70s.

Childhood has been stretched into high school and beyond.

According to Twenge, parental overprotectiveness and coddling contribute to the developmental delay reported in those studies. Other factors—including the advent of the internet and smartphones—have contributed to the crippling of child maturation.

The media often report the struggles of young adults adjusting to the self-reliance required of college life. Julie Lythcott-Haims vividly reports these struggles in her New York Times bestseller book, How to Raise an Adult: Break free of the overparenting trap and prepare your kid for success (2015).

Lythcott-Haims served as Dean of Freshmen and Undergraduate Advising at Stanford University. Her book is a worthy read for parents, teachers, coaches, and anybody invested in the healthy development of young people.

So, what can you do to encourage a young athlete’s growth?

Here are a few suggestions.

Let go, and let them

What you do for your child is always your choice. Remember, however, that doing too much for kids encourages passivity and dependence.

Sometimes it’s much easier to do certain things for your kids. But consider if that is in their best long-term interests. A little inconvenience and struggle, now, can contribute to long-term growth.

The child’s age is critical to your decision, but erring on the side of asking too much beats underestimating the child’s capabilities. When you do everything for kids, you are indirectly telling them they are incapable and unintentionally contributing to diminished confidence.

Is that the message you want to send?

Let them track game and practice schedules, arrange rides, pack their equipment bag, etc.

Take note—they have their own mouth

That point shouldn’t surprise parents of teenagers.

Communication is a critical life skill. When you do it for kids, you’re not doing them any favors. Yes, talking to an authority figure such as a coach can be a challenge for children and teens, but doing it for them denies learning.

Many a promising athlete killed a collegiate sports opportunity by letting their parents do all the talking, communicating, etc., for them during the recruitment process. The last thing a college coach wants is a passive, dependent kid.

If your child is confused about playing time, team role, or what they need to work on, encourage them to talk directly to the coach. Prepare them beforehand or prompt them during the conversation (if present), but do not take over.

Your silence speaks volumes about your belief in them, builds confidence, and stimulates maturation.

Remember—it's their game, not yours

You don’t have to be involved with, or attend, every single team event. Parents, clutching a cup of coffee, and standing in the pouring rain at an early morning weekend practice is one of the more pathetic sights on the youth sports landscape.

Parents hanging around practices is annoying to most kids. Drop them off, leave, or keep your distance.

Overinvolvement and not letting kids be on their own interferes with their ability to function independently.

Young athletes staying with parents in hotels is a youth sports travel trend. There are sound financial and liability reasons for this, but please reconsider. It deprives kids of managing on their own, a major benefit of team travel.

When organizing youth sports road trips, I had kids room in hotels with teammates. Athletes as young as 11 were given schedules, including wake-up, meal, practice, game, and bedtimes. They had to manage all that without relying on parents. Travel activities were with teammates and coaches, not parents.

Such arrangements encouraged self-reliance, confidence, a sense of independence, and maturational development, not to mention an improved sense of team.

Matt Guerrier, a retired Major League pitcher, played for me as a young teenager. He shared that youth travel experience in a recent conversation.

“It was the first time I had ever traveled with a team,” Guerrier said. “Traveling, rooming with teammates, and being away from my parents made me feel like I was really on my own and grown-up. It’s one of my best sports memories.”

Quite a comment from a guy who spent 11 years in the Major Leagues.

One final note about its being the kids’ game. Let coaches coach and athletes compete without your intervention.

Stomping up and down the sidelines, complaining, yelling, and questioning every little thing during competition is distracting, not to mention embarrassing for your child (and you).

Let your kid focus on the game, not you.

THINK ABOUT IT

Situation: Your daughter or son is sitting on the bench looking like Eeyore of Winnie-the Pooh fame, pouting, because of limited playing time.

Should you call the coach and complain, or encourage your child to have a conversation with the coach about what he or she can do to increase their playing time? Do you stalk around the sidelines complaining and sulking or teach your child not to pout?

It’s your call.