Why Parenting Adolescents Is So Complicated

Source: Carl Pickhardt Ph. D.

Because adolescence upsets and resets the parent/child relationship, it works best if parents can anticipate the growing redefinition. This way they are less likely, if caught by surprise, to harmfully overreact. Better to foresee common changes so parents can respond supportively instead.

Start by understanding how an adolescent can be more demanding to live with. Beginning around ages 9 to 13, a daughter or son begins separating from childhood and family as the 10-12-year coming-of-age passage gets underway. In this process, the teenager expresses more distance, differentiation, and disagreement than did the child. Now adolescent redefinition starts pushing parents and children more socially apart, as it is meant to do.

Common Changes

Consider a few common adolescent changes to expect, along with supportive parenting statements you might wish to make in response.

• Assertion of more independence. Parents can insist on more accountability. “As you want more freedoms, we expect you to own the consequences of your choices, taking responsibility for your decisions.”
• Expression of more individuality. Parents can bridge growing diversity with interest. “As you become more your own person, we expect there will be more growing differences between us that we need to understand.”
• Times of more opposition. Parents can listen when conducting conflict. “As speaking up to us in disagreement becomes more important, we will hear what you say, honestly respond, and work to deal with this difference.”
• Exploration of acting older. Parents can inform worldly curiosity. “As you grow up and have more interest in acting older, we will talk about increasing risks and dangers in the larger world so you are well-prepared.”
• Desire for more privacy. Parents can adjust to less personal confiding. “As you grow older, we will respect keeping more of your life to yourself, only asking to be informed enough so we don’t unduly worry or overreact.”
• Peers now matter more. Parents can welcome teenage friends. “We know social life is very important to you now; we are grateful that you have company, and we hope we can get to know them, too.”
• More frustration with restraint. Parents can accept intolerance of limits. “We know it is harder for you to live on our terms, but so long as you are with us, we have supervisory and regulatory responsibility.”
• More sensitivity to criticism. Parents use non-evaluative correction. “We disagree with the choice you made, this is why, this is what we need to have happen now—and of course, we want to hear anything you have to say.”
• More frequent disorganization. Parents provide structural support. “As you grow older, there is more to remember, so we will try to help you manage this complexity by providing sufficient family order in your life."
• More experimentation with risk. Parents teach predictive responsibility. “Living in the moment is not enough; we need to help you think ahead about dangers that might occur, and if they did what you would need to do.”
• More separation from family. Parents keep communicating. “As you grow older and more socially disconnected from us, we will keep talking to keep our relationship caring and current as we necessarily grow more apart.”
• More susceptibility to boredom. Parents support fulfilling activities. “As leading life becomes more up to you, it is easy to feel disconnected and undirected, sometimes feeling empty, restless, and at a loss.”
• More pressure from peers. Parents encourage independent thinking. “As socially belonging with friends becomes more important to you, conforming to belong can feel more tempting to do, but this is not always wise.”
• More fear of failure. Parents compliment the courage to maintain effort. “We admire how you forge ahead when life gets frustrating, how you learn from mistakes, don’t discourage, toughen up, and keep on trying.”

Parents are powerful. The understanding they express and the support they give their teenager are stabilizing during a period of transforming change. Their positive presence counts for a lot.

Two Ways Parents Can Encourage Teens

1. Don’t take these adolescent changes personally. They are not about you; rather, they express the young person’s increasing need to express and develop more individuality and independence from the child she or he was, and for the adult she or he is going to be. Your acceptance counts.

2. Don’t dread this time of growing transformation by believing in the myth of "the terrible teenager." Most young people pass through their coming of age passage well within parental tolerance for growing change which is often magical for parents to see. Enjoy the adventure.

Your challenging job: to provide caring, constructive, and communicative companionship all the way through the transforming teenage years.

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