Relating Without Distance

The pandemic is putting a strain on relationships.

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As the entire world deals with the social, economic, political, and health-related effects of the COVID-19 pandemic, many national, state, and local governments have issued shelter-in-place orders, stay-at-home (or safer-at-home) orders, and travel bans for their citizens. Non-essential services are closed for the immediate future, and so folks are not, for example, eating at restaurants or attending sporting events; students of all ages have transitioned to online learning; and, millions of workers are telecommuting, while others have seen their hours decrease, or have lost their jobs.

Those who have recently traveled to outbreak areas and/or have been exposed to someone who tests positive for the virus are being asked (or required) to go into quarantine. Doctors are advising those who test positive (without displaying symptoms) to "self-isolate" at home to avoid infecting others.

These limitations on mobility have forced a large segment of the world’s population to spend all of their time in one place with the same people (i.e., their family members or friends/roommates). On a positive note, we are seeing this change in geographic relativity being embraced for giving the opportunity to reconnect with one another, finish projects around the house, and binge-watch the latest show on Netflix. But there always comes a time when the "honeymoon" ends, and the reality of the situation sets in.

Living in close quarters can be difficult.

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While for many being with others 24/7 during these uncertain times might be preferable to living alone, such radical shifts in the quantity and quality of co-present time with relationship partners can prove difficult. Parents who are working from home are, for example, experiencing challenges with serving as their children’s schoolteachers. Couples who usually spend Monday through Friday separated while at their jobs are now finding themselves negotiating home office space. Roommates who are accustomed to not seeing each other for several hours, if not days, during normal circumstances must figure out how to share their space in ways they did not foresee when signing their lease. Many of us are simply not used to living like this, and for good reason.

Co-residential relationships ebb and flow between states of presence and non-presence. We wake up to each other, discuss what we’ll be doing that day, and then say our goodbyes before parting ways. One of us might stay home while the others leave for work or school. Throughout the day, we get caught up in our individual activities, but we "check-in" with each other via texts, emails, phone calls, and social media posts. We look at photos on our phones to remind us of one another.

At some point, we come back together and "catch up" on the time apart, which helps our relationships feel continuous (despite the amount of communicative work we do throughout the time apart to "keep it going"). But during a lockdown, relationships don’t follow the same rhythm, potentially leading to periods of increased frustration and conflict, and decreased feelings of relationship satisfaction and personal independence.

What can we do to help maintain (and potentially improve) our relationships while living without distance? We can turn to an unexpected resource for advice: The research on long-distance relationships (LDRs), which indicates that time together can be constrained without time apart. So, what are some practical things we can do?

Give each other space. It’s often assumed that time together is always preferable to time apart, but both states have value for each other and our relationships over time. In fact, periods away from our partners feed back into our time together (and ultimately our relationships overall) in positive ways.

LDRs have reported that their time away from one another has positive impacts on their time together and their relationships. The lesson is that despite living together in the same quarters, during this pandemic, it is important that partners can spend time away from each other. It’s easy to forget to make opportunities for yourself and your relational partners for being alone.

For example, I have to remind myself to think about my husband’s needs. I try to frequently suggest that he go watch TV in another room so that he can have that time alone, otherwise he might not take the chance himself. I also must not be afraid to ask for my own space when I need it.

Talk to other people. "Out of sight, out of mind" is pretty easy during a pandemic, but it’s important to maintain other relationships and on an individual level. Almost daily, my daughter and I call her grandmother. These are enjoyable conversations for us, especially given my daughter is so young and my mom likes to hear about our daily activities. But it’s important to also make one-on-one contact with my mother.

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I try to talk to her at least once a week where it’s just me and her on the phone. I keep up with my friends and colleagues, too. My ability to talk to members of my social network without my family involved is crucial to my well-being, but it also serves my relationships with my daughter and husband by giving me opportunities to explore my own thoughts, talk through problems, and simply have an outlet from the intensity of being hunkered down in the same space with them.

These conversations with other people, outside our home, feed back into my family in positive ways. I learn things that I can share with them, I often feel rejuvenated afterward, which spills over into my interactions inside the house, and I feel better prepared to deal with problems when they arise. People in LDRs experience these effects, too, as their relationships with friends and family enable their long-distance ones.

Address issues as they come up. LDR couples often avoid conflict when they are together (and when apart) because they don’t want to "mess up" their time with each other. Overwhelmingly, research shows that avoiding conflicts is not healthy for relationships. Avoidance of conflict can breed contempt and frustration, which likely boils up and explodes at a later point.

During times like these, when living without much distance or time to ourselves, it’s important not to let go of too many things that bother us in hopes of keeping the peace. Addressing problems with our partners, in healthy ways, as they come up, is a better route to take, and John Gottman’s research has identified four communication behaviors that we should banish from our conflicts.

First, avoid initiating conversations with a "harsh startup" (i.e., finger-pointing criticism) as these put the other person on the defensive. Beginning a conflict by identifying a problem and describing how it makes you feel will typically make the other person feel less threatened and more open to your perspective. Second, reconsider using contemptuous behavior (e.g., rolling your eyes, mocking the other person), which degrades communication and relationships, and instead treat one another with respect. Third, resist the impulse to defend yourself—rather, listen carefully to what your partner is saying and try to work with them to resolve their concerns. Lastly, even though you might want to, don’t shut down. "Stonewalling," or checking out of an interaction, increases your partner’s frustration and does not help you solve the problem.

Relatedly, notice when you or your partner might need a break from the conversation. Sometimes during conflict we can become overwhelmed. We might have difficulty processing information. We might start sweating. Our hearts might begin to race. If you need a break, then tell your partner instead of shutting down, refusing to talk, or leaving the room without saying why. Letting them know that you need a break and why could mean all the difference in how the conflict unfolds.

So, as you navigate the challenges of being home, remember that the push to embrace the time together will likely become increasingly difficult without recognizing the need for time apart, the value of your other relationships, and the importance of addressing conflicts. These are just a few of the things the experiences of relating at a distance can teach us for relating without it.