Can a Parent Really Spank a Child "Out of Love"?

"I don’t see why you’re making such a big deal out of spanking. I was spanked as a kid, and I’m fine. My parents did it out of love. I like everything we’re learning about in this class—and of course, I want to learn how to be the best mom I can be—but I think you all make too big a deal about not spanking. Also, the Bible says 'Spare the rod and spoil the child,' so I have to respect my parents and spank my kids." —Sarah, 25, parenting class participant

Many years ago, I was running a post-traumatic parenting class at a community center outpatient clinic. The participants were a diverse group of parents. Some had been incentivized into the class by means of a program where parents could engage in activities that would earn them benefits. Others were referred by their schools. Some saw our fliers and signed up. It was an incredibly diverse group, and because of that diversity, there was a lot of openness and sharing.

I was teaching about helping children with their behavior without using spanking when a mother interjected that she really doesn’t believe spanking is all that harmful. Other parents immediately interjected:

"Being spanked didn’t make me hate my mom. It made me hate myself. I just felt so out of control, and then she’d spank me, and I’d feel even worse—like I needed to explode, but I couldn’t. And it was just like a shock—physical pain added on to the overwhelming feelings inside of me, and the system would sort of short out, and I’d get really quiet. I just never want that for my kids." —Jaimie, 26

Most of the parents in the group were happy to learn alternatives to spanking. Every parent had their own story of childhood trauma and wanted to parent differently than how they were parented. We learned about the language of behavior, attachment theory, and how to create a sense of safety and security. We learned about teaching kids how to understand their emotions, how to restore their body budgets, and how to use words to resolve conflict.

There was a lot of hope in the group, and a lot of reporting on victories.

Slowly, the group cohered about one central philosophy: to parent in accordance with their values. And every parent agreed spanking wasn’t consistent with their values.

Every parent but one.

Sarah continued to insist that her culture, her religion, and her upbringing (not to mention the exuberance and temperaments of her children) made spanking inevitable, and this wasn’t so bad.

This caused conflict in the group because everyone else was on a journey toward parenting without spanking. Everyone would share how hard they’re trying not to spank, and for all sorts of reasons: it’s confusing for the child; it teaches them that a parent is an unsafe person; it’s ineffective in the long run. People would say things like, "My kids are so much calmer since I stopped." Or, "My stepdad used to spank me, and anything that toxic dude did, I want to do the opposite." But Sarah kept insisting that she knows how to spank only out of love, and she’s doing it for religious reasons.

At one point, I called a biblical scholar to ask about “spare the rod, spoil the child.” He asked how I’m sure this means to spank the child. He stated that if you examine this verse, you’ll see that the rod in question can be interpreted to mean a shepherd’s crook, that is used to draw an errant sheep back into the flock.

I asked Sarah if this interpretation would give her permission to stop spanking, and she said she’d think about prioritizing the “drawing in close” aspect of raising kids, but she still reserves the right to spank out of love.

At this point, I was getting curious: Why was Sarah coming back? And was there any validity to her viewpoint? Was she spanking out of love? Is that possible?

A group member—from the same cultural and religious background—said that she used to think like Sarah, but she now sees that spanking comes from dysregulation or anger. She challenged Sarah to prove she can only spank out of love, and that there’s no anger involved. Sarah said, "I would if I could!"

At that point, I asked Sarah if she was willing to try an experiment.

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I asked if, for one week, she could delay spanking for 24 hours.

If her child did something that would normally warrant a spanking, she would use one of the strategies we’ve learned about, write it down, and then 24 hours later, if she still believed he deserved a spanking, she could give the spanking. I didn’t believe there would be any other way for Sarah to truly embrace trying alternative strategies. (For alternative strategies to spanking, see here and here. Also, see here for demonstrations of some gamified parenting techniques.)

A week later, she sent me her journal via email to share with the class.

So, the weirdest thing happened that week. I really wanted to do the experiment, to prove that I only spank out of love.

My son did some provocative things. One day, he hit his little sister and she fell over. I went in to spank him, and then I remembered the experiment. So instead, I told him he has to go calm down on the couch, and I focused on comforting my daughter. I remember what you said about correction and overcorrection, so I told him he has to figure out a way to restore his sister’s good mood, since he broke it. He offered her that she can have doubles of dessert, and he won’t take any, to make it up to her.

The next day, it didn’t make sense to spank him. Everyone was in a happy mood, his sister was OK, and he seemed to have learned his lesson.

I have my late shift on Wednesdays, and usually, my son is super impossible the next morning. Like I can barely get out of bed, and my head is pounding, but he wakes up super-early, and he is LOUD and pushes the limits and jumps on the countertops and I don’t have the energy to deal.

He was jumping on the counters, and I asked him to come over to me and cuddle. I asked him how it was at Grandma’s house last night because she babysits when I work late. And he laid his head on me and told me he misses me a lot when he sleeps at Grandma’s house. We did that snuggle pretzel thing you showed us in class, and I told him I miss him too when I have to work late. I told him that Mama still needs more sleep, before it’s time to go to Kindergarten, and he can either snuggle here in bed with me, or watch his show on the tablet with earbuds, but he can’t jump on the counter and make noise. He chose to sit next to my bed and watch his show on earbuds, and I actually got to sleep until the alarm went off. When I woke up, he had made me a surprise and he was all dressed! He’s very proud that he can dress himself now.

Obviously, the next day, there was no point in spanking him. I think I do spank out of anger, or at least, desperation. Maybe there are people who spank out of love, but I’m not one of them.

The plural of anecdote is not data. But I’m still waiting to meet a parent who can prove to me that they spank only out of love.

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