3 Key Insights on Human Connection

Advice on Human Connection After 2 Million Connections Made

Jacob Wackerhausen / iStock

A connection recession is afoot. Since 1990, the number of close friends people report having has declined by 22 percent. And today, 72 percent of global workers report feeling lonely at least monthly.

Yet with any recession, there is an opportunity to turn the tide. But it's going to take some awareness, effort, and—believe it or not—perhaps a little bit of help from technology.

To give us some science-based insights and solutions into human connection, I turned to Dr. Galen Buckwalter. He has been a leading research psychologist for over 25 years. He was the original Chief Science Officer of the longest-running matching site, eHarmony, and today connects colleagues and event attendees based on the neuroscience of compatibility at the company Rivet.

Dr. Buckwalter developed, validated, and patented a process for assessing and matching people for long-term connection satisfaction. In other words, he knows connection. To glean sound advice on how to rebound from today's connection recession, I met with Dr. Buckwalter. Here are the insights and solutions he shared in our interview.

Insight #1: Social connection makes us resilient.

"Social relationships are core for resilience," says Dr. Buckwalter. "Without social networks, our brain doesn't work."

He continues: "We evolved fight or flight instincts, and we also evolved to affiliate. We have neurobiological systems that support affiliation. The levels of oxytocin and other neurotransmitters humans experience from social connection give us the possibility of strengthening ourselves."

In other words, we are stronger together.

Insight #2: Personality awareness is crucial for connection, especially in a digital world.

"Personality evolved to promote the success of groups. Why else would evolution allow these traits to develop?" says Dr. Buckwalter. "A homogeneous group, in general, doesn't work. For example, putting together a group in a work environment requires differences. Dysfunction occurs if everyone has a highly agreeable personality; you also need a contrarian."

"With remote work, we have lost much of our ability to observe and engage with each other in a dynamic social environment. These constrained social environments underscore the need for personality assessments that can help us transition to a new and better-informed way of operating online, with empathy at the forefront.

"For example, the six traits of HEXACO (a comprehensive survey of scientific research on personality and other psychological characteristics) are seen all across the globe. HEXACO provides us an untapped opportunity to explore our unique strengths and understand how we, as individuals, best fit on a team, connect with a colleague, or build friendship."

Personality provides an informed path for deeper connection.

Insight #3: High-tech can facilitate high-touch.

"Digital tech tools are able to optimize one-on-one relationships based on personality. They utilize HEXACO and sophisticated algorithms to discover the synergies that are needed between different personalities, where differences are positive, and where differences pose a hurdle in forming a bond."

Relying on scientifically proven personality models, technology could take some of the guesswork out of human connection.

Solution #1: Sanctify social connection.

"We are very interested in optimizing our health with biometrics to monitor our sleep, exercise, etc. But we need to realize that our connection is every bit as core to our health—physiologically, neurologically, and psychologically," he explains.

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Dr. Buckwalter goes on to say: "Connection is core. We are social animals. Understanding this will only motivate us to start putting the resources behind it; similarly to how we make sure our diet is healthy and our level of exercise is appropriate. Our connections warrant the same consideration."

Just as important as our physical and mental fitness is, so is our social fitness. Healthy individuals, teams, and communities prioritize their physical, mental, and social well-being.

Solution #2: Generate relational repetition.

"Our brain is not a one-trial learning machine," he notes. "It needs repetition, particularly when it comes to relationships."

His advice? Do things together.

"Just being in the same space as someone on a consistent basis causes bonding," says Dr. Buckwalter. "In fact, one of the peak ways of developing and deepening relationships is creating together. Even playing board games together or anything that gets you out of the normal routine is incredibly effective at getting our brain to fully incorporate all of the value of that connection. It rewires us."

He follows his own advice. He creates music with his bandmates every week and has done it for the last 25 years. Whether it's colleagues creating a pitch deck together, family members creating a home-cooked meal, or friends creating music together, prioritize continual connection.

Solution #3: Use connective technology.

"The benefits of using technology to facilitate connection are that they jumpstart the relationship and can help ease the introductions. Technology can serve as a way to inform how each other should engage in the relationship in a way that's going to strengthen it. Using digital technology can make the connection smoother and optimize the chances that the connection is going to work for both parties," says Dr. Buckwalter.

Nothing can replace in-person one-to-one connection, but technology could help provide the necessary permission to connect and shorten the connection curve.