Beware of Toxic Positivity

Positive thinking is a great goal, but toxic positivity goes beyond having an optimistic outlook. As you may already know, it refers to believing that no matter what challenges and losses life throws at us, like financial crises, health problems, or failed relationships, we’re supposed to be positive. Unfortunately, that can mean denying very real problems, rejecting the emotions setbacks can trigger, and having unrealistic expectations that lead us to blame ourselves and feel like a failure—none of which are productive or conducive to emotional growth. And, unfortunately, toxic positivity seems to be a growing phenomenon.

The upsurge likely started as an attempt to cheer each other up during Covid but hasn’t stopped. In fact, a recent study found that on social media sites, 44 percent of affirmations, 21 percent of advice sentences, and 14 percent of personal experience statements could be categorized as toxic positivity since they focus on emotion suppression rather than acceptance.¹

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For those dealing with infertility issues, toxic positivity can be particularly difficult. My patients who received toxic positivity after opening up about an unsuccessful transfer or a pregnancy loss, for example, tell me that it made them feel unheard and dismissed. They said they were asking for understanding and validation but got glib suggestions instead, like “Things will work out!” or “Everything happens for a reason.” Even worse, when they are given misinformation like “It’s your negative thoughts that are causing your problems,” they feel more isolated, guilty, and discouraged.

It can help to understand why, during your worst moments, someone who cares about you would say, “Look on the bright side,” “Think positive,” “It could be worse," “It will make you stronger,” or “Be grateful for what you have,” instead of saying “I’m sorry” or “How can I help?” It’s often one of the following reasons:

• They may not have ever been in the same position, so they can sympathize, but not empathize.
• They may think they need to have an immediate answer, so they resort to automatic pilot cliches that they’ve heard or have been said to them.
• They may be uncomfortable dealing with negative emotions, including their own, so they avoid dealing with them by endorsing toxic positivity for their own comfort, not yours.

But understanding why others may use toxic positivity is not enough. Knowing how to recognize toxically positive statements can help you reduce their negative effect and counteract them. Be on the lookout for:

• Overly simple advice: One-size-fits-all advice, like “Just relax” or “Stop trying so hard,” can be toxic because it’s impersonal and implies that you can easily fix your problem if you want to. Try counteracting with: “I wish it were that simple. If it were that simple, I’d be pregnant!”
• Comparisons: Taking other people’s stories as lessons can make you feel worse if their outcome was better or make you feel discouraged if it wasn’t. Try countering with, “I trust my medical team. Wish me luck”.
• Predictions: Non-medical timelines are not useful! “It will happen for you soon; I can feel it” may be well-meaning but brushes aside real medical factors and your real concerns. Try countering with, “I am trying to be patient, not disappointed. But I hope you’re right”.
• Prescriptions: Home remedies, homeopathic health fads, and miracle fertility diets are offered as quick fixes, but they are simplistic and small comforts, and can disappoint. Try countering with, “Been there, done that. I’m glad it worked for you.”
• Lectures: Philosophical reactions like “There is so much to feel grateful for” are too abstract to be comforting, too general to be personal, and create guilt instead of comfort. Try countering with, "I know. But I find I can have more than one feeling at the same time.”

Once you recognize toxic positivity, try not to take it personally if it comes your way. If someone cannot hear you emotionally, it’s information about them, not you. Look for better listeners who have been through similar experiences, or, if you want that person to be part of your support circle and think their intentions are caring, help them out. Tell them that you need to say some things out loud and you trust them to just listen. They will probably be relieved. If they have a sense of humor, one of my patients suggests you tell them that you are on advice overload and need their ear, their shoulder, and their heart… not their mouth.

Beware of using toxic positivity on yourself. We often put impossible emotional expectations on ourselves and then feel like we are going to be jinxed for feeling anxious or sorry for ourselves rather than certainty or pure enthusiasm. Switch from toxic positivity to productive positivity based on self-gratitude, self-compassion, and self-acceptance.² You can do that by observing, rather than judging, your emotions, protecting yourself against others who would judge you, finding your own encouragement in your past experiences of resilience, letting the memories and voices of those who love you be your guide, and if you were not given that support as a gift from loved ones, give it to yourself now.