Three Ways to Help Your Adolescent Manage Porn Exposure

Do you recall the first time you saw porn? Many people do. In fact, adults often bring this up in my sex therapy room—the friends whose fathers kept Playboy in the bathroom or the older sibling who had copies of Penthouse in the garage. People make different meanings out of these experiences, sometimes positively, though other times more negatively.

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Flash-forward to today. It's an astounding time to be alive. Technology is rapidly changing what it means to be human, profoundly impacting just about all aspects of the human experience. Perhaps nowhere is this as evident as the most intimate aspect of humanity—our sexuality. Porn on a computer screen is slowly being replaced by the more potent virtual reality (VR) variety. Such advances in technology promise to propel sexual sensation to literally unparalleled heights.

It's compelling to perceive change as either all good or all bad, but the truth is nuanced and complex. We are now tasked with the challenge of capitalizing on all the pleasure that advancing sex tech has to offer while at the same time mitigating the risks that inevitably accompany progress. Adolescents are directly in this firing line as they have access to adult content without the advantage of a fully developed nervous system.

While most parents are aware that limiting time on devices is neurologically beneficial for impressionable children, it's less known that the human brain continues to develop through the mid-to-late 20s. In fact, after childhood, the most susceptible period of neurological vulnerability is adolescence. Couple this with the likelihood that many adolescents are first exposed to porn around age 13, and we have a challenge on our hands. This is not a manifesto about the dangers of virtual reality porn but instead an effort to provide suggestions for proactively protecting adolescents' unique neurological vulnerabilities as the realities of porn's increasing potency unfold.

Just what exactly these dangers are remains a mystery. VR porn is relatively new, and we have little data on its potency despite its amplified intensity. Some argue that with no data suggesting VR porn presents a danger to adolescents, we have nothing to be concerned about. However, the absence of evidence does not imply evidence of absence.

It is as silly to question whether we are impacted by virtual reality porn as it is to question whether we are impacted by Super Bowl commercials. If companies are willing to spend 5-6 million dollars on a 30-second Super Bowl ad, we can safely assume that we are impacted by video—if only unconsciously. Thus, the pertinent question isn't "Are adolescents impacted?" but instead, "In what ways are adolescents impacted by porn?" Of course, technology impacts everyone in different ways, both positively and negatively. Until we have research evidence, it seems wise to be proactive in our management of this potent technology.

Sex tech's potency lies in the fact that it offers "super-normal stimuli." In a nutshell, this means that it offers stimulation that we are evolutionarily programmed to find compelling but at a level that surpasses what nature itself can provide. In this case, the nature I'm referring to is a human lover. Research suggests that VR porn is experienced as significantly more engaging than 2D porn because of the amplified sensation of participating in the porn scene as opposed to watching it on a computer screen. As this technology becomes more widely available, it may capture more interest than 2D porn simply because of its increased potency.

Tips for parents:

What follows are three basic recommendations for parents seeking to assist their adolescents in successfully metabolizing advancing sex tech:

1. First and foremost, cultivate your relationship with your adolescent.

Research on 2D porn consistently suggests that adolescents who have stronger relationships with their parents are less apt to over-use porn or rely on porn to cope with uncomfortable feelings such as boredom, depression, or anxiety. Further, adolescents whose lives are structured with satisfying activities, such as sports or other interests, have less time to engage in less healthy pastimes.

2. Recognize that porn is here to stay, and adolescents will access it—even if by accident.

Efforts to prevent adolescent porn exposure at home may backfire in that friends, friends' older siblings, or others in your adolescent's life will provide access. In addition, forbidding porn may inadvertently make your adolescent even more curious about "forbidden fruit." Finally, engaging in forbidden activity can increase the shame associated with the behavior, which may fuel greater challenges with porn and sexuality in adulthood.

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3. Most importantly, educate your adolescent about the ways human intimacy differs from what is depicted by porn.

As difficult as it can be to discuss sex with your child, this may be their only opportunity to create a context for understanding porn as sensationalized and not as the reality of intimacy in most people's bedrooms. Explain that human sexual contact includes tenderness, respect, consent, and mutual pleasure. Educate them that porn depicts fantasies that people don't always want to experience in reality.

In sum, we are part of a massive social experiment. At no time in history has society been impacted so quickly and dramatically as it is today by advancing technology. Our conscientious and responsible use of these powerful tools will help ensure that we successfully utilize sex tech to enhance, rather than detract from, human intimacy.