Is Your Parent a Narcissist?: 33 Ways to Tell

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The label narcissist is used loosely these days, typically to indicate anyone who is vain and selfish, but the actual, diagnosable personality disorder and its traits run much deeper and carry long-term debilitating effects for those raised in a family led by a narcissistic parent.

Below I offer a checklist to determine if you were raised by a narcissistic parent who may carry many of these traits. Remember that narcissism is a spectrum disorder, but someone with a high level or number of high these traits can still have a damaging influence on a developing child. The more traits, the closer to a full-blown personality disorder.

This copyrighted checklist comes from my work and is discussed in length in my new book, Will the Drama Ever End? Untangling and Healing from the Harmful Effects of Parental Narcissism.

Is Your Parent a Narcissist? A Checklist

1. When you discuss your life issues with your parent, does he or she divert the discussion to talk about himself or herself?
2. When you discuss your feelings with your parent, does he or she try to top the feeling with his or her own?
3. Does your parent act jealous of you?
4. Does your parent lack empathy for your feelings?
5. Does your parent only support those things you do that reflect on him or her as a “good parent”?
6. Have you consistently felt a lack of emotional closeness with your parent?
7. Have you consistently questioned whether your parent likes you or loves you?
8. Does your parent only do things for you when others can see?
9. When something happens in your life (accident, illness, divorce), does your parent react based on how it will affect him or her rather than how you feel?
10. Is or was your parent overly conscious of what others think (neighbors, friends, family, coworkers?)
11. Does your parent deny his or her own feelings?
12. Does your parent blame things on you or others rather than taking responsibility for his or her own feelings or actions?
13. Is your parent hurt easily and do they carry a grudge for a long time without resolving the problem?
14. Do you feel that you were a servant to your parent?
15. Were you made to feel responsible for your parent’s ailments (headaches, stress, and illness)?
16. Did you have to take care of your parent’s physical needs as a child?
17. Do you feel unaccepted by your parent?
18. Do you feel your parent was critical of you?
19. Do you feel helpless in the presence of your parent?
20. Are you shamed often by your parent?
21. Do you feel your parent knows the real you?
22. Does your parent act as if the world should revolve around him or her?
23. Do you find it difficult to be a separate person from your parent?
24. Does your parent appear phony to you?
25. Does your parent want to control your choices?
26. Does your parent swing from egotistical to depressed mood?
27. Did you feel you had to take care of your parent’s emotional needs as a child?
28. Do you feel manipulated in the presence of your parent?
29. Do you feel valued by your parent for what you do rather than who you are?
30. Is your parent controlling, acting like a victim or martyr?
31. Does your parent make you act different from how you really feel?
32. Does your parent compete with you?
33. Does your parent always have to have things his or her way?

The primary mantra of the narcissistic family is that parental needs take precedence over the needs of the children. As one of my clients recently commented, “I wanted love and hugs like I saw my friends get from their parents. I wanted my parents to be proud of me, so I tried to be a really good kid, not rock the boat, be the best at everything I did. But, whatever I did, it not only wasn’t enough, it didn’t seem to matter to my parents. My mom was always tired or busy and my dad was weirdly sad all the time. I felt unloved, alone and invisible.”

Of course, there is hope and healing, and if you determine that you are struggling with the effects of parental narcissism, I encourage you to reach out, get help, and learn as much as you can about this insidious disorder. You deserve to be loved and cherished and to recover from these damaging effects that can have a life-long impact.

To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.