How Gaslighters May Manipulate You Into Taking the Blame

Gaslighting articles, books, and podcasts seem to be everywhere. This term has caught the popular imagination perhaps because of our current political and social media environment that often depicts perpetrators as victims and victims as perpetrators. No wonder we are confused and exhausted! You probably know a gaslighter, know someone who is a target of one or have been a gaslighting target yourself. By understanding how gaslighters operate, you can protect yourself from being manipulated.

The term gaslighting came about because of a 1944 Ingrid Bergman movie called Gaslight in which a husband tried to convince a wife she was crazy by dimming the gas lamps at night and then telling her that he hadn't noticed them coming on and she was imagining it. His real aim was to convince her she was crazy so he could hospitalize her and take her house. Today, psychologists define gaslighting as a manipulative technique that gets you to question your own view of reality, so you don't trust your own perceptions and experiences. You end up feeling confused, insecure, and even crazy.

Unequal power relationships

Sociologists argue that we need to understand gaslighting in the context of unequal power relationships, and stereotyping of marginalized groups. They claim that it is easier to convince a woman that she is crazy or overreacting, because there is already a societal stereotype of women as neurotic or overly emotional. Gaslighting often takes place in the context of domestic violence and is a form of psychological abuse designed to blame and shame the victim and allow the perpetrator to maintain their self-image and public image as a good, long-suffering partner. Although gaslighting can be intentional, it can also be unconscious. Some people with narcissistic or borderline traits don't have insight into their own patterns and may see intimate partners and others in extreme or distorted ways, leading them to gaslight without realizing it.

What gaslighters actually say and do

Based on patient descriptions and articles or podcasts, there seem to be some typical things that gaslighters do or say to escape responsibility for their own behavior and instead blame or shame their intended target. Gaslighting can occur in the context of work, family, friendship, or romantic relationships. Because the gaslighter often presents as calm, rational, and long-suffering, they can convince not only their partners but also friends, family, coworkers or even therapists that their partner is the pathological one. On the other hand, angry gaslighters tend to present as victims and may create guilt in the target or gain sympathy from others.

Typical techniques used by gaslighters

1. Blaming and shaming you for things that you can't control or that are not your fault. For example, they might call you a "bad mother" because your toddler is having an age appropriate temper tantrum.

2. Reversing victim and offender. The acronym DARVO was coined by psychologist Dr. Jennifer Freyd to describe the defensive behaviors of narcissists who are confronted with evidence of their deceptive or selfish behavior. DARVO stands for DENY, ATTACK, and REVERSE VICTIM AND OFFENDER. Gaslighters often accuse you falsely of doing what they are actually doing (for example, lying, being mean, or cheating).

3. Blaming you for their abusive behavior. For example, saying that you made them hit you or insult you or that you somehow deserved this treatment. This behavior is common in relationships characterized by domestic violence or psychological abuse and is a red flag and a sign that you need to reach out to a trusted person, therapist, or hotline for help. Perpetrators are responsible for their disrespectful or abusive words and actions, not you. It's easy to find a way to blame someone else in order to deflect from your own responsibility.

4. Cherry-picking or presenting a biased version of the truth that doesn't tell the whole story and leaves out the main context that affected your words or behavior. For example, they ignored you all day, then blamed you for being cold or overreacting when you didn't hug them that evening.

5. Repeating the same thing over and over. The more often we hear something the more likely we are to believe it even if there is no evidence for it. Telling you over and over that you are stupid or selfish or incompetent makes you more likely to believe it, especially if you have a history of trauma. One way that gaslighters do this is to keep repeating their invalid argument in later conversations as though you hadn't debunked them with contradictory facts in an earlier conversation.

6. Using "word salad" to distract, confuse or manipulate you. Although "word salad" was originally used to describe the nonsensical speech of neurologically impaired people, it is now used in the context of gaslighting. Word salad can be a phrase that appears to make sense but is actually an irrelevant and/or inaccurate generalization in the context of your conversation. For example, the gaslighter may say a generalization like "It's better to do something than do nothing" to convince you they are in the right, even when the thing they did was actually harmful or they didn't do the more effective thing that you suggested. Word salad can also be talking at you nonstop, so you don't get a chance to say anything they don't want to hear. The purpose of word salad is to distract you from the valid point you are making or get them away from being confronted about something legitimate.

In my next post, I will write about what you can say or do to defend yourself when confronted by a gaslighter.