The Art of the Innocent Fib

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Let's face it—we've all been in situations where we needed a polite way out of doing something we'd rather avoid.

While honesty is typically the best policy, there are times when a harmless white lie can avoid causing unnecessary harm, spare feelings, and maintain positive rapport.

The famous 18th-century Scottish philosopher David Hume agreed. Telling little white lies, he wrote in a letter dated March 27, 1773, is acceptable when done out of empathy for others.¹

Hume was expressing a common sentiment of the day. Not only were white lies widely tolerated in 18th-century Great Britain, they were routinely encouraged under certain circumstances.²

Proponents of innocent capping include other luminaries, too. Mark Twain offers an insightful illustration in his short story “Was It Heaven or Hell?,” where an unconventional Christian medical doctor asks: "Haven’t you got sense enough to discriminate between lies? Don’t you know the difference between a lie that helps and a lie that hurts?"

Many of us feel the same way. How often haven't you lied to a child or vulnerable individual to avoid harming or hurting them?

But do you know how to excuse yourself from an undesirable undertaking without sounding dismissive or causing offense? If not, you might want to try one of these innocuous fibs.

The Time Constraint Excuse

The time constraint excuse involves citing a scheduling conflict or prior commitment as a reason for not honoring a request or making good on a promise.

Say your neighbor invites you to attend their weekend barbecue, but you'd rather spend the day relaxing at home. Rather than bluntly refusing and perhaps never getting invited again, you employ the time constraint excuse, telling them: "I wish I could join you, but I already have plans that day. Thank you for thinking of me, though!"

This ever so slightly embellished truth allows you to thoughtfully decline the invitation without giving the impression of disinterest or rudeness.

The Health-Related Excuse

The health-related excuse appeals to minor ailments or discomfort as a reason for being unable to take part in a particular activity or bailing out of a commitment.

Say you capriciously agreed to join your friend for a grueling group hike in the mountains, starting in the early wee hours. The night before, however, you are so not in the mood for getting up at dawn to do all-day strenuous physical exertion, let alone climb a mountain with (mostly) a bunch of strangers.

Doing your best not to kill your friend's high spirits, you opt for the health-related excuse, telling them: "I'm feeling a bit under the weather and don't think I'd be up for the hike. I know it's a bummer, but let's definitely do something real soon!"

This half-truth allows you to bow out gracefully without hurting your friend's feelings or squashing their excitement.

The Family Obligation Excuse

The family obligation excuse alludes to familial responsibilities or commitments as a reason to decline an invitation or request.

Say your coworker invites you to join them for an after-work happy hour, but you'd prefer to unwind at home. Instead of bluntly refusing, you make use of the family obligation excuse, saying: "That sounds super fun, but my parents asked for help with some errands. Rain check?"

By bending the truth a little, you can warmly decline the invitation while maintaining a positive rapport with your coworker.

The Personal Prioritization Excuse

The personal prioritization excuse involves emphasizing the importance of self-care or personal commitments as the reason for your change of heart or declination.

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Say your friend asks you to help them move to a new apartment on short notice—this Saturday. But you had really been looking forward to staying home in your PJs this Saturday, binge-watching TV shows.

As your friend mentioned that several family and friends already agreed to help, you choose not to feel obligated to join them. Employing the personal prioritization excuse, you say: "I'd love to help, but I've been feeling really burned out lately and promised myself some self-care time this weekend. I hope you understand!"

This slightly dressed-up truth enables you to prioritize your own well-being while expressing empathy for your friend's situation.

The Technical Difficulty Excuse

The technical difficulty excuse involves blaming technological or logistical challenges for being unable to participate in an activity or sticking to the plans.

Say your sister asks you to join a family video call a day when you're not in the right frame of mind for socializing. Rather than bluntly turning them down, you utilize the technical difficulty excuse, saying: "I'd love to join, but I've been having some trouble with my internet connection. I'll catch up with everyone another time! Tell everyone I miss them!"

This little white lie allows you to affectionately opt out of the video call without upsetting your family or quenching their enthusiasm.

Take Away

White lies can serve as diplomatic tools for navigating social situations and avoiding hurt feelings without resorting to outright dishonesty.^1,2,3

By employing warm, benign excuses like appeals to time constraints, health, family obligations, personal prioritization, or technical difficulties, you can empathically excuse yourself from unwanted tasks or obligations while maintaining positive relationships with others.³

However, it's essential to use white lies sparingly and ethically, ensuring that your intentions are genuinely considerate and respectful of others.^4,5,6,7