How Small Steps Can Help You Combat Loneliness

Source: Hieu Van/Pixabay

Loneliness is enjoying a quiet, plaintive celebrity.

Last year, the Surgeon General deemed loneliness a public health hazard and reported that 1 in 2 Americans experience loneliness. This scourge began before COVID, got worse with the pandemic, and is far from benign. Loneliness is associated with heart disease, depression, anxiety, stroke, decreased immunity, chronic illness, dementia, and early death, to name a few. To continue the tobacco analogy, loneliness is as bad for your health as smoking 15 cigarettes a day.

Loneliness isn’t just individual, or specific to the U.S. It affects societies across the globe, with those who live in higher-income countries reporting more social disconnection (another term for loneliness). Feeling lonely is so epidemic, in fact, nations like the UK and Japan now boast “Ministers of Loneliness.”

And while healthy social bonds contribute to thriving civic society, loneliness, or social disconnection, corrodes the social fabric. Isolation fractures civic engagement, contributing to a fraying democracy. Individual disconnection at work and home (everyone in their bubble doom-scrolling rather than chatting at the water cooler) reverberates outward and seeps through a culture.

There are several aspects to loneliness. You might feel left out, lacking in companionship, or isolated. You don’t have to feel all three to be lonely. Unfortunately, one suffices. And loneliness is stigmatized. The pandemic helped destigmatize mental health in general, but it’s still hard to shout out to a friend that you feel lonely.

So what’s a solution? It’s not throwing out technology or “social” media. We’re past that (though most of us know that decreasing time on our devices is an important step). There are scores of simple acts that combat loneliness. As Vivek Murthy, the Surgeon General, said, “Individual relationships are an untapped resource—a source of healing hiding in plain sight.”

As an aside, I’m not only talking to extroverts here. It’s a myth that introverts dislike being around people. Introverts need people as much as extroverts do—often just fewer at a time, or less frequently.

So what can you do when you’re lonely? First, know you are far from alone, and recognize that loneliness is normal, a feeling designed to help initiate and create connection with others. That’s a good thing.

Next, do something. Almost anything, with almost anyone.

Once you take a first step, the rewards are great. A simple smile at a stranger can boost your mood. You might reach out and text or call an old friend. Scroll through your contacts and make a list of people to reach out to if you feel no one seems to care. Just looking at the list helps counter that negative self-talk.

Visit a community center to see what they offer (in person, rather than online, to get a feel of the space, and talk to a real person). Start that pickleball or language class you’ve considered. Leave home for a coffee shop to be surrounded by people for an hour or two. Join a professional, religious, or meditation group—time-honored social disconnection fighters—in person or online. (Teleconferencing offers social connection, just ensure it’s not the only way you interact.) Attend a town hall or a community meeting, a book talk or a lecture.

These are baby steps, but they add up.

Keep going: Stand loud and proud—tell a trusted friend or even acquaintance you feel lonely sometimes (you can call it “socially disconnected” instead!). You’ll feel better when they admit loneliness too! Offer your time at a food bank, animal shelter, or favorite community service venue—when we give, we find meaning, boost mood, and help create a better society.

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Therein lies the secret of transmuting social disconnection into connection: giving something first (rather than staying in, alone, ruminating). Just a simple nod or hello, greeting a stranger. Starting with a low-risk smile once a day or so. Building from there. Tiny, incremental, frequent strides create change. Loneliness wasn’t built in a day, and deconstructing it takes time, and courage. But you’ve got this.