Manage Clashing Sensory Needs

In many homes, traditions like movie-and-pizza nights are anchors of family bonding. However, for those of us in neurodiverse families, these cherished occasions can turn into unexpected challenges. Our living rooms, meant to be havens of togetherness, may quickly transform into arenas where sensory needs clash, disrupting the peace and complicating relationships. Given how frequently autism and ADHD occur within the same family unit, it is not uncommon to have distinctly clashing sensory needs. Balancing these diverse sensory needs can be a delicate dance. [1]

Understanding, acknowledging, and managing these divergent sensory needs are not just tasks; they are essential steps toward fostering harmony, strengthening sibling bonds, and nurturing a family dynamic that thrives on mutual respect and empathy.

So if you’re in the throes of navigating clashing sensory needs with your partner, with your child, or among siblings, here are four steps to help you move from upheaval to a place of agency.

1. Identify Everyone’s Sensory Needs

Identifying and addressing clashing sensory needs within a neurodivergent family is the first step in creating a balanced environment. By understanding and mapping out each family member's sensory profile, we can gain insight into their unique sensory preferences, needs, and sensitivities. Here are a few examples of common sensory clashes that can arise:

• Movement and Auditory Sensitivities: One family member may need to move their body to regulate, while another may have auditory and visual sensitivities. Engaging in activities like watching a family movie can lead to sensory clashes, as the need for movement may conflict with the need for a quiet and visually calm environment.
• Smell and Taste Sensitivities: Some family members may be sensitive to certain smells or tastes, while others may have a preference for stronger flavors or aromas. When preparing meals or using scented products in the home, finding a compromise that respects each person’s sensory preferences can be challenging.
• Proprioception Differences: When you have a proprioception seeker [2] who craves wrestling, rough-housing, and physical touch, and they have a sibling who is a proprioceptive avoider, it can become a recipe for intense sensory conflict.

Lacking a sensory lens to decipher clashing sensory needs may lead us—or siblings—to inadvertently assign negative character labels to behaviors that are natural sensory responses. A child overwhelmed by stimuli could be unfairly labeled "too sensitive," while their sibling, who is seeking sensory engagement, might be unjustly called "obnoxious."

Recognizing that these behaviors are not intentional but rather stem from sensory conflicts allows us to reframe and externalize the situation. By understanding these behaviors through the concept of clashing sensory needs instead of as character flaws, we can adopt and demonstrate neutral language that reduces stigma, reduces shame and promotes mutual understanding. This shift in perspective not only detaches the conflict from the individual but also shifts our focus to the underlying sensory needs, paving the way for empathy and constructive solutions.

Infographic with tips for navigating sensory clashes in neurodiverse families

Source: Neurodivergent Insights / Dr. Megan Anna Neff

2. Normalize Talking About Sensory Needs

Normalize open discussions about these competing sensory needs within the family. By framing them as "competing sensory needs," we externalize the situation, acknowledging that it's not about blaming but recognizing the inherent conflicts.

This approach allows us to engage in problem-solving and brainstorming together. For instance, during a family movie, I might initiate a conversation by saying: "It seems like Leslie’s need for movement is affecting your ability to focus, Auden. What ideas do you both have to address this situation?"

It's important to consider your children's age and developmental stage when facilitating these discussions, as younger children may require simpler language and guidance in generating solutions. Creating a safe and non-judgmental space where everyone's input is valued fosters a collaborative approach to finding solutions.

3. Anticipate and Prepare for Sensory Conflicts

Anticipate and acknowledge that conflicts will arise when dealing with different sensory profiles within the family. It's important to recognize that these conflicts are a natural outcome of having diverse sensory needs, and do not indicate a dysfunctional relationship or an unhealthy family dynamic. Instead, they provide opportunities for growth, learning, and the development of essential skills such as honoring different needs, navigating boundaries, problem-solving, and conflict resolution.

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Embrace these moments as chances to model effective communication, empathy, and understanding. By approaching conflicts with a mindset of curiosity and collaboration, you can foster a supportive and harmonious environment that values the unique sensory needs of each family member.

4. Gather Sensory Resources

Take a proactive approach by gathering resources that can aid in minimizing conflicts arising from clashing sensory needs. For instance, in our family, purchasing some sensory swings and other sensory tools proved helpful during movie time, as it allowed our child with a need for movement to engage their body without disrupting others' focus.

Exploring sensory resources can provide you with options for supporting sensory needs within your family. Finding the right tools and accommodations can help create a more harmonious environment where everyone's sensory needs are acknowledged and respected.

Building Sensory Harmony in Neurodiverse Families

Navigating clashing sensory needs within a neurodiverse family takes patience, understanding, and proactive communication. By identifying individual needs, normalizing conversations about sensory differences, preparing for and embracing conflict, and gathering supportive resources, we can create a family life that’s not only manageable but one that fosters understanding, respect, and harmony.

In understanding and respecting our diverse sensory profiles, we lay the groundwork for a more inclusive family dynamic, with fewer meltdowns are fewer and deeper connections. We can create a home life that's less about managing challenges and more about fostering each other's well-being. When neurodiverse families work together, embracing their sensory needs, they cultivate a commitment to an environment in which every family member can thrive.

[1] Autism and ADHD frequently co-occur (within individuals and within family units). This is due to a combination of factors, most notably due to the heritability and genetic overlap. See references for studies.

[2] A proprioceptive seeker is someone who craves physical input into their body, often manifested as a desire for deep pressure, strong hugs, or active movements like jumping or wrestling. This sensory seeking behavior is their body's way of regulating sensory input, which can have a calming effect and help them to feel more organized and in control of their environment. Proprioceptive activities are essential for these individuals to help maintain a sense of well-being and focus.