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Key points
- A nurturing presence is the foundation for a relationship that nurtures the infant brain.
- We can provide a nurturing presence in pregnancy with our voice and stress management.
- We can provide a nurturing presence in birth by communicating with our baby and taking time to be with them.
- We can provide a nurturing presence in infancy by learning acceptance for the range of our baby's emotions.
Our babies’ brains, from zero to three years old, are developing rapidly and are dramatically shaped by relationships. Babies make an astounding one million connections per second in their brain, and so many of those connections are guided by relationships with parents and caregivers (1). When our baby’s relationships are as nurturing as possible, we build stress regulation, resilience, and health into their brain for lifelong benefits (2).
What I call nurturing presence is the foundation for a relationship that nurtures the infant brain. It is not something for us as parents to do, it is a way of being in the relationship. We start by recognizing that our babies, starting in the womb and throughout the three years of infancy, are whole little human beings seeking a relationship with us. They need unconditional acceptance and connection from us in all their states and emotions, whether happy, sad, angry, tired, or excited. Our nurturing presence meets and accepts who they are and does not try to change them or reject them. We are open to everything our baby is, just as they are.
Our babies and children unconsciously ask four key questions of parents and caregivers. These were developed by psychotherapist Katherine Schafer, inspired by conversations with Oprah Winfrey, Toni Morrison, and Maya Angelou. They are:
- Do you see me?
- Do you care that I’m here?
- Am I enough for you, or do you need me to be better in some way?
- Can I tell that I’m special to you by the way that you look at me?
We have a nurturing presence for our babies when they know that the answer to these questions is a resounding "yes!"
So let’s take a look at some examples of what “nurturing presence” might look like in pregnancy, birth, and infancy.
Nurturing Presence in Pregnancy
Babies can be seen and cared for on an emotional level. This can include:
- Singing and talking to baby – they will recognize their parent’s voices and be calmed by familiar songs when they are born.
- Reading baby books – babies will pay attention to the book when they are born. A good example of a book is Brown Bear.
- Practicing stress reduction – baby’s emotional brain benefits when you practice regular mindfulness, breathing practice, meditation, movement.
Nurturing Presence at Birth
At birth, babies benefit when we have a nurturing presence right away. This can include:
- Putting baby skin-to-skin on a parent right away and keeping baby skin-to-skin.
- Minimize the swaddle and bassinet and maximize holding baby with a blanket on a parent or loved one’s chest.
- Offering eye contact so baby can look at you. When baby looks away, give them a break and allow them to come back.
- Softly speaking to baby, telling them how you feel that they are here, singing your special song.
- Taking significant time, hours or days, to be alone with baby before visitors join you.
- Spend days and weeks getting to know your baby, their cues and communication.
Nurturing Presence Throughout Infancy
From zero to three years, we can provide little ones with a nurturing presence as much as possible. This can include:
- Acceptance of the full range of our baby’s emotions. They are enough regardless of the amount of stress in their bodies.
- Understanding that we are our baby’s safe place. When they need us, they need us. Often they need constant or near constant contact with us for all of infancy.
- Daily baby chats where we are regulated and open, we sit face to face with our baby and make eye contact. We listen for our baby’s communication, return communication and go back and forth in conversation.
- Unconditional support for our baby’s stress where we provide our physical and emotional presence while our baby moves from high stress back to calm. Babies are not able to do this on their own and feeling stress is not manipulation. We do not reject or shame our babies for feeling stress.
Parenting infants is hard work, mainly because they do have a huge range of emotions and they rely on us to know how to support them. We can’t have a nurtured presence all of the time, however, I do recommend you keep these questions handy and have the intention to communicate a "yes" to your baby as much as you can in pregnancy, birth, and infancy. Your baby’s brain, mind, mental health, and physical health will benefit for a lifetime.
References
1
Kolb, B. Neuroanatomy and development overview. In The Role of Early Experience
in Infant Development. Johnson & Johnson Pediatric Round Table Series (eds. Fox, N.,
Leavitt, L. A. & Warhol, J. G.); Tau, G. Z. & Peterson, B. S. Normal development
of brain circuits. Neuropsychopharmacol 35, 147– 168 (2010);
Lagercrantz, H. & Ringstedt, T. Organization of the neuronal circuits in the central nervous system during development. Acta Pædiatrica 90, 707– 715 (2001);
M. A. Anusuya & S. K. Katti. Superficial analogies and differences between the human brain and the computer.
International Journal of Computer Science and Network Security 10, 196– 201 (2010);
Lenroot, R. K. & Giedd, J. N. The changing impact of genes and environment on brain development during childhood and adolescence: Initial findings from a neuroimaging study of pediatric twins. Dev Psychopathol 20, 1161– 1175 (2008);
Huttenlocher, P. Synaptogenesis in human cerebral cortex and the concept of crucial periods. In The Role of Early Experience in Infant Development;
Tang, Y., Nyengaard, J. R., Groot, D. M. G. D. & Gundersen, H. J. G. Total regional and global number of
synapses in the human brain neocortex. Synapse 41, 258– 273 (2001).
2
Doherty, T. S., Forster, A. & Roth, T. L. Global and gene-specific DNA methylation alterations in the adolescent amygdala and hippocampus in an animal model of caregiver maltreatment. Behav Brain Res 298, 55– 61 (2016).
Ciernia, A. V., et al. Experience-dependent neuroplasticity of the developing hypothalamus: Integrative epigenomic approaches. Epigenetics 13, 318– 330 (2018);
Singh-Taylor, A., et al. NRSF-dependent epigenetic mechanisms contribute to programming of stress-sensitive neurons by neonatal experience, promoting resilience. Mol Psychiatr 23, 648– 657 (2017)
Korosi, A., et al. Early-life experience reduces excitation to stress-responsive hypothalamic neurons and reprograms the expression of corticotropin-releasing hormone. J Neurosci 30, 703– 713 (2010).
Lester, B. M. et al. Epigenetic programming by maternal behavior in the human infant. Pediatrics 142, e20171890 (2018)
Zhang, T. Y., Labont., B., Wen, X. L., Turecki, G. & Meaney, M. J. Epigenetic mechanisms for the early environmental
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Weaver, I. C. G. et al. Epigenetic programming by maternal behavior. Nat Neurosci 7, 847– 854 (2004).
Blaze, J., Scheuing, L. & Roth, T. L. Differential methylation of genes in the medial prefrontal cortex of developing and adult rats following exposure to maltreatment or nurturing care during infancy. Dev Neurosci 35, 306– 316 (2013).
Perkeybile, A. M., et al. Early nurture epigenetically tunes the oxytocin receptor. Psychoneuroendocrinology 99, 128– 136 (2019)
Maud, C., Ryan, J., McIntosh, J. E. & Olsson, C. A. The role of oxytocin receptor gene (OXTR) DNA methylation
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Krol, K. M., Moulder, R. G., Lillard, T. S., Grossmann, T. & Connelly, J. J. Epigenetic dynamics in infancy and the impact of maternal engagement. Sci Adv 5, eaay0680 (2019)
Pena, C. J., Neugut, Y. D. & Champagne, F. A. Developmental timing of the effects of maternal care on gene expression and epigenetic regulation of hormone receptor levels in female rats. Endocrinology 154, 4340– 4351 (2013).
