How Traumatic Invalidation Harms the LGBTQ+ Community

Traumatic invalidation is central to my work as a therapist serving LGBTQ+ clients. It applies to most queer and trans clients I’ve worked with. Traumatic invalidation is not unique to the LGBTQ+ community, but the LGBTQ+ community is unique in the fact that nearly everyone in the community has experienced traumatic invalidation.

Often when I explain traumatic invalidation, I see my client’s eyes get wide as they say, “That’s it exactly. That’s me. I never had words for that before.” Like with many things that impact our mental health, simply identifying that traumatic invalidation has occurred is a big step in processing and recovering from it.

Traumatic invalidation is worse than normal invalidation. According to the founder of DBT, Marsha Linehan, "Traumatic invalidation is extreme or repetitive invalidation of an individual's significant private experiences, characteristics identified as important aspects of themselves, or reactions to themselves or the world." It can be a single event, such as being rejected after coming out, or it can be a product of repeated invalidation, such as never seeing people like you represented in media. It’s generally caused by our most important relationships, such as from our parents, close friends, authority figures, or a partner.

Examples of Traumatic Invalidation

• Being rejected after coming out
• Not being believed after reporting a sexual assault
• Surviving the AIDS epidemic while many initially ignored its existence
• Being told that your sexuality or gender identity is a phase
• The sudden end of an important relationship
• Being invalidated by a medical provider or therapist

Unlike normal invalidation, traumatic invalidation causes lasting harm and changes the way we interact with the world. It makes later experiences of normal invalidation feel worse. Exposure to traumatic invalidation heightens sensitivity and reactivity to invalidation. It can contribute to arguments with a partner spiraling out of control and out of proportion to the problem.

The impact of traumatic invalidation is often counterintuitive. Beyond creating hardship and distress, it also can cause a need for perfectionism. Some of my most productive and successful clients have experienced traumatic invalidation. The unmet need to be validated and seen as good results in lifelong attempts to be seen as worthy. It can look like working harder than anyone else in the company, getting straight A’s in school, being the MVP on a sports team, or showering our loved ones with compliments and gifts.

Responding to Traumatic Invalidation

A common and natural response to being invalidated is to seek out validation. We might try to defend ourselves, confront the invalidator, provide evidence or facts, or maybe share a letter. It’s a good effort. But the result of trying to get validation from an invalidator is more invalidation. The harder we try, the worse we feel. The problem is the invalidator is likely unable or unwilling to provide the validation we need.

Supportive Couple

Source: Uriel Mont/Pexels

First, recognize what is happening. Identify that your invalidator is causing you harm and understand that they cannot provide you with the validation you need at this time.

The key to healing from traumatic invalidation is to get validation from those that are capable of providing it. Talk to someone that loves you and describe what happened. Find ways to self-validate such as journaling, identifying why you were correct or valid, and engaging in an activity that makes you feel empowered.

Traumatic invalidation hurts. It’s okay and normal to be negatively impacted by it, even years after it has happened. Be patient and understanding with yourself. Take the time you need to self-soothe and get the support you deserve from those that care about you. Healing from traumatic invalidation is hard work, but it is possible.