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Key points
- The secret to dating is to optimize for kindness over sparks and friendship over instant chemistry.
- Become the version of yourself that you would be excited to date.
- On dating apps, follow two rules: (1) Don’t binge. (2) Think of reasons to say “yes” instead of “no.”
“Follow your heart…” At some point in your life, you’ve received relationship or dating advice like this. Typically, it comes from a parent, family member, or friend. The advice you typically receive is well-intentioned, but there’s no guarantee that it is well-informed.
Sadly, that’s often the only advice many people get about relationships. To help, I contacted 10 top relationship experts and asked, “What's your best dating advice?”
They had lots to share.
Dating is a learned skill. We have all been fed a steady diet of rom-coms and fairy tales that have given us a false narrative about how love is supposed to just happen for us. This causes dissonance and frustration when it feels like we need to work to find our person. If you approach dating with curiosity and see it as a venue for self-growth, you can build relational skills that will aid in your dating life and impact every other person you interact with...including yourself. With a growth mindset around dating skills like profile writing, flirting, conversation techniques, texting, and even sex, you can rewrite any stories that have blocked you from finding your ultimate happily ever after. –Damona Hoffman, author, F the Fairy Tale: Rewrite the Dating Myths and Live Your Own Love Story
Focus on the feelings that truly matter. What kind of love have you been chasing? The love that gets you excited or the love that helps you feel safe and authentic? The secret to dating is to optimize for comfort instead of confidence, kindness over sparks, and friendship over instant chemistry. Focusing on first-kiss feelings and hoping you can figure out the rest later can lead to relationships that sizzle at first but crash and burn later. Instead of asking, “Do they make me feel excited?” ask, “Do they make me feel seen, heard, and understood?” –Gary Lewandowski, author, Stronger Than You Think: The 10 Blind Spots That Undermine Your Relationship...and How to See Past Them
Trust your intuition. When dating, trust your gut feeling about someone. Our feelings are messages to ourselves that we need to listen to. Your intuition is your inner compass. It will never steer you wrong. Trusting and listening to it is how you will end up with the right person for you. You are the expert of you. You don't need to ask a million people what they think. When you feel peace in your heart, you feel alive, and you can't get enough of someone, you know you've found your "person." –Jaime Bronstein, licensed relationship therapist and author of MAN*ifesting: A Step-By-Step Guide to Attracting the Love That's Meant for You
Apps are for introductions. Get on an internet site and start reaching out. These are not dating services; all they do is introduce you. The only real algorithm is your own brain. So get to work. And follow two rules:
- Don’t binge. After you have met five to nine people, get off the site, and get to know at least one person better. The brain can’t handle too many choices. It goes into “cognitive overload,” and you choose no one.
- Think of reasons to say “yes” instead of “no.” The brain evolved to see the negative, for self-protection. Focus on the good in someone. Give Cupid a chance. –Helen Fisher, senior research fellow at The Kinsey Institute
Consider two matches at a time. Beat the "paradox of choice" that occurs with dating apps by keeping only two matches in your message box at once. Then compare them to each other looking at frequency of texts, interval between texts, and emotional content of texts, to gauge their enthusiasm. Before getting on the phone and later meeting "the winner" for coffee, eliminate the other one. If the coffee date doesn't go well, match with two new suitors, but never more. Paradox of choice is a cognitive bias where the human brain, when presented with too much choice, has difficulty making a choice. And when someone does make a choice under those circumstances, they value that choice less because they are thinking about all the other choices that got away. This is how dating apps make people addicted to the app, instead of leaving the app by choosing a mate. Help your brain beat this bias by presenting yourself with only two choices at a time. –Wendy Walsh, psychology professor at California State University
Establish a protocol for healthy communication. New relationships are glitchy and subject to assumptions and reactivity. Many times, a prospective partner can misread our actions and misinterpret our behavior. To avoid this type of unnecessary confusion, begin your dating journey with a "communication conversation." Let your partner know that you appreciate honesty, and you’d like to establish the understanding that it’s safe to share your thoughts and feelings with each other. There is no "bad" or "wrong" attached, just the truthful exchange of vital information. This foundational freedom establishes comfort and safety while eliminating unnecessary conflict and resentments that could derail your relationship journey. –Susan Winter, bestselling author and relationship expert
Use 50/50 communication. When you go on a date, reciprocal communication is key. This means the conversational flow should be around 50/50. Your date won't remember what you wore that day or what details you shared about your work, but they will remember how you made them feel. If you talk too much on a date and you don't ask them enough questions, it shows a lack of interest, and they won't feel good about the date or you, so make sure that there is reciprocity in your conversation. –Tara Suwinyattichaiporn, California State University, Fullerton
Would you date you? Become the version of yourself that you would be excited to date. I always ask my clients, "Would you be excited to date you?" It is so important that you have worked on your healing enough to be able to show up with a blank slate and healthy relationship beliefs. You want to have healed enough that you can co-create a securely attached bond with the right partner. –Morgan Anderson, host of the Let's Get Vulnerable podcast
Recast the past. Strong emotions about past relationships can prevent you from being fully present in a new relationship. It’s important to work through or unpack those feelings and neutralize your attachment to the past. My research finds that people who were able to say, “I don’t feel much of anything for my ex” were more mentally and emotionally prepared for meeting a new person, choosing new patterns, and discovering a new life, than those who were grieving, held grudges, or worse—were still in love. –Terri Orbuch, professor, relationship researcher, and therapist
Consistent character is key. My best piece of dating advice is to pay attention to whether someone's character is consistent over time and context. It doesn't matter if they are the best person you've ever met on the first date. You need to see that person show up day in, day out, with the same amazing qualities they had on date 1 on date 101 as well. Consistency over time is how you discover someone's character. – Christie Kederian, dating and relationship expert, coach, and consultant
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