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Default Mode Network
Why You Care What They Think
We want to win over the people who have hurt or criticized us. But why?
Posted November 18, 2023 Reviewed by Ray Parker
Key points
- We care what people think about us, especially when they have judged or dismissed us in the past.
- We perceive there to be a nugget of truth to their judgments.
- If they are that judgmental to you, they are as judgmental, if not more to themselves.
We all have people in our lives who don't like us and don't give us the time of day. Many of them have been condescending, have criticized us, or have hurt us in a deep way.
Why, then, are they the first people we want to tell when we accomplish something big? Orwhen something good happens in our lives? "A-ha!" we think, "See? I am valuable and worthy. You were wrong about me. Look at me now."
We can think of a million reasons why we should let these people go and not care what they think. But for some reason, we still hold on, even if it is just in our heads.
It gets back to our wiring. Our brain prioritizes survival first and everything else second. It creates an inner stream of survival-based thoughts from "Am I good/smart/pretty enough?" to "I really need a snack," using an automatic thought network called the default mode network (DMN).
The DMN scans the environment for potential threats and latches onto data that suggests we are unsafe. The people who love and support us give us positive feedback. Those comments don't pique the DMN's interest.
The person who criticizes you? Now you have the DMN's full attention. The one who rejected you? Let's get the popcorn.
Think about how polite you are to people you don't like. We are so used to performing social graces that we often dismiss positive feedback coming back to us as courtesy, not truth. Negative feedback, on the other hand, can feel like we're finally hearing what people think. We glom onto it as some higher truth about who we are and what we should be doing differently when, in reality, it probably has nothing to do with us.
People who criticize or blame others often have an overactive DMN that tells them they are doing everything wrong. Sure, they could be boasting to you about how amazing they are, but they're not talking to you. They're really trying to convince their DMNs that they are valuable and, therefore, safe.
When they criticize you, it's them exposing the distorted DMN feed they listen to all day. Their DMNs are convinced that they are unsafe in this world, and they are going to share that misery with anyone and everyone around them.
So it's time to kick the nasty people off the soapboxes in your mind. You have nothing to prove to them. And it's time to accept positive feedback from the ones you love, and who love you. They're not being polite; they're being honest. Give your DMN a reality check on how great you actually are.
