The Best Way to Communicate Disinterest on a Dating App

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For singles on dating apps, there are two distinct phases of communication with differing etiquette: pre-date and post-date.

Let’s begin with post-date communication etiquette and work backward.

Post-Date

In a recent survey of 14,000 LGBTQIA+ Hinge users worldwide, there was one particular post-date communication phenomenon worth highlighting for all daters, regardless of sexual orientation. It’s called “fizzling” and the authors describe it as a situation in which “daters don’t want to tell someone they’re no longer interested, [so] they become slower and shorter in their responses before stopping altogether, hoping it’ll be less offensive” (Hinge, 2023).

In contrast to “ghosting," there’s an implied or expressed interest in continuing a connection beyond the first date that ultimately doesn’t come to fruition.

Not surprisingly, 90% of survey respondents indicated that they’d prefer clear communication of disinterest; participants were 13 times more likely to prefer a quick text versus a phone call.

If your dating experiences started before dating apps and the wide adoption of text as a primary communication tool, you may be bold enough to share in person at the end of a date that the person seemed great but it’s not a great match and you wish them the best of luck. However, a gentle but clear text message shortly after a first date is certainly acceptable, particularly if you needed some time to consider whether you wanted one or not.

Whether during a date or afterward, this kind of clear communication may seem tricky, anxiety-producing, or even scary — particularly for young women. Pew Research data suggests that men’s aversive response to expressed disinterest is somewhat common, especially for women between the ages of 18-34.

This research provides a more complete picture of the type of harassment women face. Not only do women receive unsolicited, sexually explicit messages or images on dating apps but their experience of harassment goes deeper: 60% of women aged 18-34, and 49% of women aged 35-49, reported that they continued to be contacted after saying they were not interested. Further, 44% of women aged 18-34 reported being called an offensive name, and 19% were threatened with physical harm.

The consequences of broader sexual harassment online and on dating apps appear to disproportionately impact both women and non-heterosexual daters. These impacts include higher levels of depression, anxiety, and loneliness, less perceived self-control, and lower self-esteem (Gewirtz-Meydan et al., 2023).

A sober analysis of the risk-to-benefit ratio of communicating disinterest informs the following recommendations for app users prior to going on a first date.

Pre-Date

With millions of monthly users active on apps like Hinge, Bumble, and Tinder, a “match” in which two users have indicated some level of interest in one another is simultaneously rare and somewhat meaningless. It is the back and forth of those initial few text messages that will determine whether you schedule a first date or never receive a response to your witty overture.

One’s connection to another app user during this phase of communication should not be overstated. The reality is that you’re interacting with a stranger to whom you have no more obligation than any other stranger you might encounter in daily life. In other words, the concept of fizzling or ghosting should not be applied to pre-date conversations.

It is entirely reasonable, whether you’ve been matched with 1 or 100 users on the app, to discontinue contact by simply unmatching. This is the clearest and simplest way to communicate disinterest. Following are instructions for doing that on some of the top dating apps in the United States:

• On Hinge, viewing the member’s profile, simply tap the three dots at the top right and tap ‘unmatch.' You’ll be prompted to provide a reason (which is not shared with the person) and you may select any of the options, including “no reason."
• On Tinder, open the chat with that person and tap the flag (iOS) or ellipses icon (Android) in the top right-hand corner and tap ‘unmatch.'
• On Bumble, the woman must initiate a conversation within 24 hours or the match automatically disappears. If you’ve already started a chat, open the conversation, tap the three dots in the top right-hand corner, and ‘unmatch.'

In all cases, this action is permanent and neither you nor the other person will encounter each other’s profile again.

Rather than just going silent and keeping a perceived connection going on the app, this straightforward strategy will leave no room for confusion or harassment.

Time, energy, and effort are precious for intentional daters who may have many options on dating apps. That’s why the first 24-72 hours after matching on an app is the proving ground for whether you’re likely to set up a first date. If there’s not an easy flow of communication in that window of time or you’ve clearly lost interest, unmatch and move on. It’s the most respectful thing to do.

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