The Anatomy of an Apology

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One thing we can all be guaranteed, even in a healthy love, is the need for repair during and after conflict. Yet, effective communication through conflict remains elusive for many couples.

There are two kinds of apologies that every couple should practice getting better at: (1) in the moment and (2) after a regrettable incident or fight.

In-the Moment Apologies

In-the-moment apologies can be short and to the point.

A simple formula is to name the specific thing that you’re apologizing for, express authentic regret, and ask if your partner accepts your apology.

Example: “I’m sorry for saying __________. It was hurtful; I regret it. Do you accept my apology?”

The key elements of the apology are expressing your understanding and validating both directly and with your authentic regret.

The best way to convey your understanding is by being very specific about the thing you’re apologizing for. Being vague is lazy at best and manipulative at worst.

Apologies After a Fight or Regrettable Incident

The second type of apology focuses on the fight itself as well as the content of the fight.

The Gottman Method offers clinicians a conversational tool to use with clients described as the “Aftermath of a Regrettable Incident or Fight.” It’s based on John and Julie Gottman’s research on how the masters at long-term love manage conflict. We will explore a few key components of that intervention here.

The first is that the conversation leads with partners taking turns to express how they were feeling during the regrettable incident.

It is followed by partners taking turns describing their subjective experience of the events leading up to and including the incident or fight. During this part of the conversation, each partner summarizes their understanding of their partner’s experience and validates some aspect of it. To validate is to express that you actually “get” the experience and it makes sense to you they’d feel the way they do.

There’s an apology that begins with what we regretted and ends with whatever you wish to specifically apologize for. That part is much easier once you’ve heard and validated your partner’s experience.

The conversation ends with a commitment from each partner to do something differently when a situation like it arises again—and similar situations will likely arise in a long-term relationship or marriage.

An essential foundation of these repair conversations is trust, nondefensiveness, and a shared belief in working as a team to do it better next time.

The clearest sign of an authentic apology is change.

So, whether in the moment or after the fact, let your inclination be to repair and let that repair lead to change that fosters a deeper, more profound love.