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Relationships
A Couples Psychologist's Take on Weight Loss and Relationships
Start this 10 point strategy to foster a positive culture in your relationship.
Updated March 25, 2024 Reviewed by Monica Vilhauer
Key points
- New pharmacological interventions appear to have started an attitudinal change with unknown promise.
- Weight shaming is prevalent in modern relationships.
- Couples psychology will remain critical: Eliminating criticism and contempt is key.
What value would you assign to the feeling of being comfortable in your own skin?
Maintaining a healthy diet and exercise routine continues to be a goal for many of us.
While the field of psychology has been focused on cognitive and behavioral change for over 100 years, we have yet to crack the nut on weight loss. Cognitive behavioral interventions have been shown to be effective at the initial reduction of weight as well as maintenance over 24 weeks (Jacob et al., 2018; Madjd et al., 2020). Yet access to and utilization of these interventions remain constrained by the usual systemic barriers.
The obesity prevalence rate in the U.S. between 2017-2020 was 41.9%.
Pharmacological treatment with growing brand names like Wegovy and Ozempic has prompted new hopefulness about maintenance issues and attitudinal change (Ard et al., 2021).
Yet, these new medical interventions will have little impact on the underlying culture within ourselves, our relationships, and our families.
A positive self-appraisal still eludes many in the United States, with some experiencing severe eating disorders that are difficult to treat (Grilo, 2024).
A recent Oprah Winfrey primetime TV special on weight stigma highlighted the struggle many Americans continue to experience around body image and shame in the United States.
Weight shaming in relationships is on the rise.
There is an urgent need to address the relational issues that perpetuate unhealthy attitudes, communication, and conflict related to weight.
First, Look for This Relationship Red Flag
Criticism or contempt in your romantic relationship, specifically around weight or body issues, indicates a couple needs to set new healthy boundaries around talking about their bodies.
If you’ve ever been called “chubby” or described by your partner in harsh ways, it's time to eliminate that behavior.
Fans of the hit TLC show "90-Day Fiance" will recall a recent example of this toxic behavior where Nick calls his fiance Devin a "piggy" and "lazy" for her food choices.
Whether or not criticism or contempt is present in a relationship, here are 10 ways to start and maintain a relationship with romance and passion versus shame.
Here’s Your Challenge
1. In a new relationship, be curious about times that you are self-critical, particularly around your body. Be aware if you hear your partner talking critically about your body and address it early.
2. If you experience distress greater than 3/10 (10 = worst distress) related to your body image on any consistent basis, it’d be good to connect with a mental health provider who specializes in this area. Any significant issues with eating and nutrition warrant involving your healthcare team.
3. Highlight and reflect on the parts of yourself that you love and, if you’re in a relationship, the parts that your partner expresses they love about you.
4. Share gratitude for your partner’s sexiness, adore them by focusing on your favorite parts and saying them out loud. Feel the lightheartedness, excitement, and joy of flirting.
5. Flirt often.
6. Go on a weekly date and share appreciation for five specific things from the past week.
7. Touch each other as much as you enjoy being touched. Share mutual influence to find a balance that works for the two of you uniquely.
8. Find opportunities to generate romance, knowing you can, anytime you choose. It could be a simple "I love you" text in the middle of the day or a 6-second kiss when you see each other after work.
9. Open the door for one another, pick up a flower for them before a date, and the list goes on. There are a million ways to set the tone of a passionate romance, limited only by your imagination.
10. Choose your partner every day and express a mutual desire for each other, a desire supported by admiration and novelty.
Things Not to Do
DO NOT suggest your partner needs to lose weight, exercise more, or otherwise change their bodies in any way.
EXCEPTION: If there’s evidence of a health issue, then share encouragement for their health journey commensurate with their energy around the issue. You're not your partner's personal trainer or doctor, you're their lover.
These are good relationship strategies for anyone in a relationship, new or old, and a starting point to reflect on your need for help if you’ve consistently felt bad about your body.
To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
References
Andreyeva, T., Puhl, R.M. & Brownell, K.D. (2008). Changes in perceived weight discrimination among Americans, 1995–1996 through 2004–2006. Obesity, 16, 1129–1134.
Ard, J., Fitch, A., Fruh, S., & Herman, L. (2021). Weight loss and maintenance related to the mechanism of action of glucagon-like peptide 1 receptor agonists. Advances in therapy, 38(6), 2821-2839.
Grilo, C. M. (2024). Treatment of Eating Disorders: Current Status, Challenges, and Future Directions. Annual Review of Clinical Psychology, 20.
Jacob, A., Moullec, G., Lavoie, K. L., Laurin, C., Cowan, T., Tisshaw, C., ... & Bacon, S. L. (2018). Impact of cognitive-behavioral interventions on weight loss and psychological outcomes: A meta-analysis. Health Psychology, 37(5), 417.
Madjd, A., Taylor, M. A., Delavari, A., Malekzadeh, R., Macdonald, I. A., & Farshchi, H. R. (2020). Effects of cognitive behavioral therapy on weight maintenance after successful weight loss in women; a randomized clinical trial. European Journal of Clinical Nutrition, 74(3), 436-444.
Puhl, R.M. & Brownell, K.D. (2006). Confronting and coping with weight stigma: an investigation of overweight and obese adults. Obesity, 14, 10, 1802–1815.
