The Trouble with Anger

Harry Emerson Fosdick observed: "hating people is like burning down your house to get rid of a rat." Exactly! Anger tends to eat you up inside, alienate others, and risks high blood pressure. Discussing a problem you have with a friend, partner, colleague, or neighbor and attempting a reconciliation makes more sense.

All anger, repressed, suppressed, or expressed is toxic. Anger is fundamentally a philosophy of commanding, demanding, and dictating. It says, "I run the universe, I control you, you absolutely must follow my dictates." The bad news is you don't run the universe and you don't control others. They'll do what they decide, not what you think they should do. This is disappointing and frustrating, but not the end of your world or your happiness. The good news is that since anger comes from your thinking, not from another's execrable treatment of you, you can change your anger-creating thinking.

How about anger at someone who treats you poorly? Avoiding anger even in such cases is best. It tends to alienate others and clouds your thinking. Research shows a clear pattern: Anger and hostility are bad for your heart. A pattern of hostility is associated with an increased risk of coronary heart disease incidence and mortality, hypertension, blood pressure, and other heart-related problems. It makes sense to strongly and passionately express your preferences, without condemnation and controlling. For example, with an excitable partner who's prone to yelling: "I strongly prefer you not yell at me! How do you feel about this?"

Acting like a doormat and allowing yourself to get pushed around is not a recommended alternative to anger. Rather, express your strong preferences passionately and assertively. Persistent assertiveness, firmly stating what you want is usually a better choice than anger. If a show of anger is the only way to motivate someone to take you seriously, then act angrily, yell, pound the table, and stamp your foot. But don't eat yourself up inside with angry thoughts.

Here's a sample Three Minute Exercise for you to write and think through daily to help you internalize this functional perspective. It will take practice, practice, practice:

A. (Activating event): My co-worker, Fred, shows no interest in changing his annoying behavior.

B. (irrational Belief): Fred absolutely MUST see things my way, the Right way.

C. (emotional Consequence of B): Anger.

D. (Disputing): Why MUST Fred see things my way?

E. (Effective new thinking): It would be wonderful if Fred saw things my way, but no reason he absolutely MUST. I distinctly dislike it when he acts inconsiderately but I can stand what I don't like. Since he's human, this means he's very imperfect, so I can expect him to act imperfectly and even idiotically at times. I don't run the universe so I don't control Fred. He has free will and free choice to act the way he chooses, not the way I think he MUST. Ripping myself up inside doesn't change Fred and only makes me feel worse. Learning to unconditionally accept a behavior I dislike is a lesson that will benefit me for the rest of my life.

F. (new Feeling): Great displeasure, not anger.